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And what if your quiz score reveals that you're playing the echo role? You could ask your friend to do something that's usually "your" job: "You know, I'd love it if you'd drive over to my place today, since I always drive over to yours." A normal friend may be surprised, but she'll comply. A narcissist will go cold, angry, or passive aggressive. This won't immediately end your inner child's adulation for her, but it will horrify you enough to begin seeing reality and disengaging.

If you can't just end a naiad dyad—say your friend is also a co-worker—there's another option. You can train her like a sea mammal, as author Amy Sutherland reported in her New York Times article "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage." Narcissists hate being ignored—and crave praise. A combination of indifference and adulation can powerfully shape their behavior. When your co-worker shouts that the coffee you made is too hot, don't react at all. Later, when she's calm, spontaneously exclaim, "You're projecting so much authority!" or "You look great!" The narcissist will react like a junkie inhaling opium and probably increase the behavior you're rewarding. Is this healthy? God, no. But it's better than helpless echoism.

Making Friendship Blossom
These methods can get you out of truly sick naiad dyads and improve marginal cases, moving them away from strict role division toward reciprocity and flexibility. The more fluid and balanced your relationships become, the more you'll see that friendship, unlike Narcissus, can flower without anyone's getting hurt. As someone who's been blessed with marvelous friends, I can assure you this is worth the effort. But enough about me. What do you think about...you?



The Surprising Benefits of Friendship
Why friends are more than just a shoulder to cry on
5 friends every woman should have
What it really means to be a best friend

From the April 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine.

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