One of the best ways to rev up your sex life is to share sexual fantasies, Dr. Berman says. It adds something special to a long-term relationship and, more importantly, increases intimacy. "[Sharing fantasies] really can help to revitalize the sexual connection," Dr. Berman says. "It requires a tremendous amount of trust and safety to bring those things up."
If you're going to reveal your sexual fantasies to your partner, Dr. Berman says you need to follow certain ground rules. First, don't judge each other's fantasies—you can't open up if you don't feel safe. Secondly, know your limitations and feel free to express them. "If you're not into being spanked or there's no way you're having sex in a public place, you need to say that," Dr. Berman says. Finally, if your fantasy involves a friend, neighbor or in-law, Dr. Berman recommends, "keep it to yourself."
Tom and Debra share their fantasies with Dr. Berman during therapy. Tom says he fantasizes about seeing Debra with other men. "I can't have her, so I'd like to see someone else having her," Tom says. "I think she's a beautiful woman, so what could be better than watching a beautiful woman being pleased?" Debra admits her fantasy is to be dominated. Debra says at first she was nervous to talk about her fantasy, but she's glad she did. "It felt freeing," she says. "It felt good to finally let that out."