I see now that from the time I was in elementary school, I knew all I needed to know about that world. Boys—and men—are pack creatures. Whether on a playground or in a conference room, the rituals are the same. As a result, I have, many times, found myself on the margins. One of those mutts you see at the dog-run that paces tentatively on the sidelines, looking longingly as the other dogs carouse. I look back now and think about the feeling of being inadequate. And because I felt inadequate, I felt weak. Vulnerable. I saw my father's absence as a constant reminder of what was absent in me: manhood.
When I'd try to talk about these, well, "feelings" with some of my male friends, inevitably they'd give me that look and tell me, "Stop being so sensitive."
Only decades later, when I started to search for the truth about what happened to my father the night he died—when I set out on my journey—did I come to see that the values I was taught in that matriarchy were not vulnerabilities. They were—are—my strengths. My mother filled the absence that was my father with her strong self. But also her vulnerable self. What gifts did I get from my mother? She taught me compassion. To think of others first. Selflessness. Sensitivity and attunement to the feelings of others. Humility. How to speak about my emotions. The power of listening.
I have no doubt that many two-parent homes (and single-father homes) teach the same values. All I can tell you about is my home. And what I want to tell you mothers and sisters and spouses of men and boys out there reading this is this: Perhaps the greatest gift you can give a man is to teach him sensitivity. How to be open. Because here is another truth I learned as a boy, observing my mother: That which makes us vulnerable makes us stronger. Why? Because our vulnerabilities are our truths. And whenever we embrace our truths—when we share them with others and risk being truly known—we inevitably inspire others. Beginning with those closest to us.
Michael Hainey is the author of After Visiting Friends and deputy editor of GQ.
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