When then governor of New Jersey James E. McGreevey revealed his homosexuality and resigned from office, he articulated a similar sentiment: "From my early days in school until the present day, I acknowledged some feelings, a certain sense that separated me from others. But because of my resolve, and also thinking that I was doing the right thing, I forced what I thought was an acceptable reality onto myself, a reality which is layered and layered with all the quote 'good things' and all the quote 'right things' of typical adolescent and adult behavior. Yet at my most reflective—maybe even spiritual—level, there were points in my life when I began to question what an acceptable reality really meant for me. Were there realities from which I was running? Which master was I trying to serve?"
McGreevey described his fear of his own desire very well. Becoming acceptable meant fitting himself into a schema that kept his own longings away. It meant superimposing a false identity rather than allowing a truer self to emerge. This was yet another version of what Jessica Benjamin noticed in the nursery, the victory of the "it" over the "I." McGreevey sought to manage his conflict by being an object rather than becoming his own person. Knowing what was expected of him, he could pretend to be what people wanted him to be, but he was not being true to himself. Forcing an acceptable reality onto himself created a split in which his truer, subjective self was hidden away, silently waiting for the force of desire to liberate it.
A scenario like this sets up an unfortunate dilemma, one that pits desire against the need for acceptance. Hungering for approval, children have no real choice but to learn to adapt to their environment. In so doing, though, they become aware, at least subliminally, of the conditional nature of the love they strive for. Simone, for instance, felt as if her parents never knew, or did not like, the "real" her—even as she lost touch with who or what the real her might be. Her own desire, like McGreevey's, was forced underground—because it put her at odds with her parents. To trust that desire meant facing a deep fear of being unlovable.
This is one of the reasons why love—mutual romantic love, that is—can be such a transformative experience. The subjective voice must suddenly be front and center; nothing else rings true. For those who have spent a lifetime trying to fit into the mold of what was expected of them, this can be very disconcerting. There is, in love, a change in the rules. Although the culture fosters the belief that being the perfect object (for a woman) or possessing the perfect object (for a man) will bring everything we need, love demands something different. Making oneself into an object for the pleasure of one's partner might work for a short time, but it is not the way to sustain a romantic relationship. One or both parties will soon grow bored.
The revelation of romantic love is that it must be between two individuals. Two desires must intertwine for love to flourish. In discovering that one's own desire is not only acceptable but also desirable, an extraordinary healing becomes possible. When one's desire is desired, it is the authentic self that is being appreciated. The subjective voice, all too often a source of conflict or shame, becomes a means of connection, not of separation. This is a major turnaround. Where once desire meant going against the grain and asserting individuality at the expense of parental approval, it becomes, in love, the binding force of the relationship.
Yet it is a mistake to think of the connection between two "I's" as a static phenomenon, as some kind of final achievement or resting place. Two subjects do not make an object. There is always uncertainty in romantic union because neither partner can be owned or possessed. Once we become an "I," our desire evades all attempts to capture or define it. The elusiveness of desire is liberating, but it can also be frightening. After a lifetime of fitting into other people's agendas, the amorphousness of the subjective self can be intimidating. We fear desire because it can loose us from our moorings, but we also need desire because it lets us know who we are. To be in touch with our desires makes a new kind of confidence possible. It can be scary to be an "I," but it is more frightening to remain an "it."
Mark Epstein is the author of Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life (Gotham, 2005).
The truth about desire:
We Hear You!