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So-Called Mistake #2: You Continually, Endlessly, Can't-Help-Yourselfly Do More Than Your 50 Percent


Just about every expert in the world warns against this—with good reason. If you're finding the new house, arranging the mortgage, supervising the movers, picking out all the furniture and installing it (before he comes home; he gets so tired on Fridays), you're doing too much. You're not only going to be mad, you're also going to do humiliating things to your own self like scream at him in the middle of the Ikea cafeteria or run over his Sunday newspaper with the lawn mower and pretend the teenager next door did it.

That is...unless your partner is also continually, endlessly, can't-help-himselfly doing more than his 50 percent. This is an idea, I know, that at first sounds preposterous. But it's one that can change both of your notions of love: He does too much for you; you do too much for him; and thus the two of you are knocking yourselves out while simultaneously being supported and replenished. Afterward, of course, the two of you can write a best-selling book together called The End of Resentment.

So-Called Mistake #3: You Keep a Big Ugly Secret (for a While)


Big ugly secrets, in love, are no-no's. Except when that big ugly secret may, if given some time, shrivel down into a small, more understandable secret that you eventually reveal. For example, it's probably helpful to your relationship if you hold off until you're already happily married (and maybe have a few kids) to tell your husband that way back in time, when he was your fiancé and you were nervous about marriage, you booked a Greyhound ticket to anywhere, just in case you fled the altar at the last minute. I'm not saying lying is okay, or that even omitting the truth is okay. I'm saying waiting is okay, because giving yourself some time to evaluate the magnitude—or triviality—of an issue is also an opportunity to understand what you really want.

Next: The two "bad words" that are sometimes okay to say

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