Five Steps to Help Your Kids Open Up After Divorce

Oprah.com | February 15, 2007

Do you feel like your children have been holding back about your divorce? Divorce expert M. Gary Neuman has developed five simple steps to help your kids open up and express their feelings.

1. Choose an informal setting. Disguise the talk by participating in a fun, distracting activity. Don't make it a formal, awkward, official meeting. "One of the ways to shut down a kid is to say, 'Tell me how you feel about the divorce.' That's it. You'll never hear from them again," he says. "It's about going to the pizza shop, having dinner together, it's the long drive in the car, it's the cuddling in bed. Those are the times that are relaxing and not threatening to kids." Gary says big family meetings are good for deciding what to do about a specific issue—not to discuss feelings.

2. Don't be a conversation killer. Gary says this is the number one thing that loving parents do. Parents want to rescue their children, tell them "everything's going to be okay" or tell them why they shouldn't feel bad—and instead, parents shut their children down by implying what they are feeling is wrong. "The children do come to you and they do talk, but they learn not to talk to you because you really don't listen to their feelings," Gary says. "Recently I had someone say that a kid came to them and said, 'I can't believe Dad is marrying that woman.' She said back to her daughter, 'Honey, listen. Dad loves you. He's a good man and he's allowed to get married.' Good answer? Wrong answer! Because what you've just said to your child is, 'That's not a good feeling. You're not supposed to feel sad or mad.'" Kids then take that message and say to themselves, 'There's nothing more for me as a kid to say to you. I'm done. You've told me my feeling is wrong.'"

3. Put yourself in their shoes. Don't assume what they're feeling. "It's really just trying to hear what it's like to be them in that moment," Gary says. "If you really do that in your heart, you will always say the right thing. And you will say things like, 'It sounds like you feel really sad, kind of mad that Dad's not around.' And, 'When you say things like that—it sounds like you feel, kinda, maybe, a little sad or mad.' And just stop. They'll say, 'Wow, yeah, I do feel that way,' and they'll continue, and they'll start talking to you."

4. Initiate the conversation. Don't say, "Come to me if you want to talk." Gary says too many parents avoid bringing up certain subjects because they're afraid they'll make their kids feel sad. "If they're not sad or you get the feeling wrong, they'll correct you. You're not going to make them feel that way. So if they are not talking and or if they've had a conversation and you need to talk about it again, just bring it up. You can even say, 'Listen, I know you must be feeling kind of sad. If I were you, I'd feel that way.' Let them know it's okay and we're going to keep talking about it and eventually they'll open up."

5. Welcome tears and emotion. It's important for your children to get their feelings out. "The hardest thing as a parent is to really see your child in pain, especially when you think that somehow you have contributed to that pain," he says. "Don't feel guilty because that guilt sometimes stops you from wanting to see it, and it's so much better to just be able to see it. Be welcome to it. And I'm telling you, understanding and getting your child is the greatest gift you can ever give to your child. … They will heal through love and connection."

Printed from Oprah.com on Sunday, February 12, 2012