After her first failed relationship, Jennifer says she met another man. "[He] was a family guy. Just all the pieces seemed to fit of a guy with a tender heart," she says. But as Jennifer began talking about the future, she says he withdrew. "That's not normal," Patti says. "You know that, right? First of all, you wouldn't let your best girlfriend treat you the way you've let these two men treat you."
Patti tells Jennifer that she needs to stop walking around with blame. "That's what I do. Self-condemnation, it's all over my face," Jennifer says. Instead of blaming herself, Patti wants her to look deeper. "The kind of men that you've chosen is your problem," Patti says. "Why you choose them is even your bigger problem."
After she meets a man, Patti doesn't want Jennifer to feel the need to stay in a relationship if he's wrong for her. "And loyalty, I love that word, by the way," Patti says. "I'm a very loyal woman, in my opinion. But that [can be] a misguided excuse for staying with someone who's mistreating you. They don't deserve your loyalty."
Jennifer has another problem—she never fully disengages from her exes. Patti says Jennifer accepts their calls, text messages and e-mails. "She still allows herself to be dusted off like a trophy," Patti says. "You need to disengage. Take time out to heal. Rediscover who you are. Because guess what? This next five, 10 years of your life? We just get better."
To fully find herself, Patti thinks Jennifer needs to take time off from dating. "And I think maybe a therapist is a fabulous idea. Spending some time alone and getting in touch with yourself and saying, 'It's okay to be alone.'"
"You get better if you do the work," Oprah says. "And that is the difference between becoming a real woman and just an aging female—because some women just age. Some women just get older, and they don't get any better. That's a line from Maya Angelou who said, 'Don't just be an aging female—learn to be a real woman.'"
Patti says there is something all single women can do to turn their love lives around. She says this assignment isn't for everyone—it's for the women who really want to find love. "Find your inner person," Patti says. "Meditate. Because I'll bet you if every one of you ladies in this room went to the most quiet place in your core, you'd know why you were single. I believe you all have your own answer. Find it.
"Take a new hobby up. Painting. Cooking. Dancing. Say, 'This is what I'm going to do this year.' Okay? But go to that place. Find that place in your last relationship—who ended it? What did you do? You can't fix them
. You can only potentially fix you. So you have to work on you
."Martha Beck's love list for attracting Mr. RightHollywood's "it" girl, Katherine Heigl
Printed from Oprah.com on
© 2014 OWN, LLC. All Rights Reserved.