In our funny new book Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex, we divulge "the list," a never-before-revealed compilation of the things guys do that turn women off. But here's the key...we rate these "undateables." For example, wearing a pair of crocs (a mere RED FLAG) is a much less serious crime than wearing makeup (KISS OF DEATH).
Before we begin, it might be helpful to explain our rating system:
RED FLAG: Minor problem, but most likely fixable.
STORM CLOUD: There is trouble brewing...it's getting dicey
NOT GETTING ANY: Not good. There is no way you are having sex with this person. This could turn around, but unlikely.
KISS OF DEATH: He's a freak. Run away. Now.
So, can you make your guy dateable? Let's find out by listing some common "undateables" and see how serious they really are...
#32. Wears a cell phone on his waist.
In our book, we have rated this a RED FLAG. If he has the sort of job to back it up, like a construction worker, a doctor, a policeman or a forest ranger whose doesn't wear a jacket with a pocket in which to house said phone, we'll give him a pass. He's dateable. If he's an overly aggressive, nonjacket-wearing salesmen who truly believes his calls are of national importance and therefore needs to be "ready for action," this is a problem. If he's willing to unhook his "holster," you can make him dateable. If not, you've got an issue.
#164. Uses made up words like "chillaxin," "anyhoo" and "ginormous."
This is moving into a little more serious territory, and in Undateable, we rate this as a STORM CLOUD. The problem here is that he sounds like a 9-year-old girl. Your mission is to find out if, deep in his heart, he is a 9-year-old girl. If so, time to go. If he's just trying to entertain you, a six-second blank stare from you should take care of the problem and you can move on. He can get dateable.
#200. Fails to pay on first date.
This crime gets our KISS OF DEATH rating. Buh-bye. This guy is cheap, not a gentlemen and not dateable.
#1. Wears jorts.
Jorts are jean shorts, and all you need to know about them is that they are all wrong and are rated a STORM CLOUD. Your guy has two options here: Wear a pair of jeans (Levi's 501s or 505s in a dark blue always work) or wear a pair of cotton shorts that hit at the knee. And that's it. If he can get with this program, there is hope and there's a chance you can make him dateable. If he's got a white-knuckle grip as you try to pry the jorts out of his hands, it might be time to say goodbye.
#300. Tacky texting.
Apparently it is all the rage to ask girls out via text. In Undateable, we find this unacceptable and give it the NOT GETTING ANY rating. If this guy can learn to operate a phone and uses it to politely and respectfully ask you out, then there may be a future. If he continues on with his digital transmissions, simply LOL and text back the word "UNDATEABLE"!
For more Undateable, please go to our website, Undateable.com. You can order a copy of our book and share your own undateable stories!
Talk to you soon!
Anne and Ellen
Anne Coyle and Ellen Rakieten are co-authors of Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex.