We want it, crave it, dream about it. But when life hands us a few empty hours, we squirm, wriggle, dodge, and feel unaccountably lazy. Martha Beck shows us how to find something in nothing and love it.
My observation of people in general is that we desperately want to take a break from our hectic, overscheduled lives—but not right now. Empty time is a powerful medicine that can make us more joyful and resilient, but it's strangely hard to swallow. In our culture, the very word empty has negative connotations: loss, need, desolation, hopelessness. Our ambivalence toward doing nothing creates what psychologists call an approach-avoidance response: We yearn for a powerful source of liberation that is right under our noses, and we'll do almost anything to avoid it.
Doing Everything, Accomplishing Nothing
The result of this unconscious psychological arm wrestling is that we fritter away our lives. We don't do the things that would bring our dreams to fruition, but we don't embrace emptiness, either. Instead, we play a hundred games of computer solitaire or stay on the phone with anyone just to fill the time.
Why We Don't Empty Our Time
Generally speaking, a packed schedule is seen as the sign of a happenin' life; empty time is for losers. Part of the reason is our culture: According to the Western perspective, filling every moment with "value added" activities is a sign of virtue and significance. There's an even deeper reason we may avoid empty time: For us, it isn't really empty. It's full of demons—grief, rage, anxiety, guilt, regret. Personal experience tells me that never emptying our time is like never emptying our garbage cans, our bladders, or our digestive tracts. Do those images disgust you? Good. I want them to. The archetype of the virtuously overbusy person is so ingrained in our societal mind-set that it takes strong language to knock it loose.
Fear Of Free Time
By Martha Beck
Signs of Empty-Time Deficiency Syndrome
Vile though the image is, I truly believe that constipation is the most accurate metaphor for perpetual overscheduling. The more we fill our time with tasks that aren't real requirements of our best lives, the more blocked and uncomfortable we feel. If you have three or more of the following symptoms, you probably need to, um, flush:
Clients who have these symptoms always tell me they "need to do something about it." The truth is, they need to do nothing about it. To heal, they need to empty some time, then feel whatever arises. As these feelings are consciously experienced (a process that allows them to teach us necessary lessons), they go away.
One caveat: Some emotions can't be off-loaded without being told to at least one compassionate witness. If you can't handle empty time, find someone—a friend, relative, professional—who can hear about your pain. Then feel it, express it, and watch it disappear. It will. No matter how frightening your demons may seem, their goal is never to hurt you. They only, always, want to leave.
- Irritability, feeling "frayed"
- Boredom (oddly enough)
- Feeling disconnected even when in the company of others
- Being unable to unwind at night or on vacation
- A sense of not being, having, or doing enough
Clients who have these symptoms always tell me they "need to do something about it." The truth is, they need to do nothing about it. To heal, they need to empty some time, then feel whatever arises. As these feelings are consciously experienced (a process that allows them to teach us necessary lessons), they go away.
One caveat: Some emotions can't be off-loaded without being told to at least one compassionate witness. If you can't handle empty time, find someone—a friend, relative, professional—who can hear about your pain. Then feel it, express it, and watch it disappear. It will. No matter how frightening your demons may seem, their goal is never to hurt you. They only, always, want to leave.
How to Get Empty Time
There are three key words when it comes to getting empty time: prioritizing, protecting, and promise keeping.
Prioritizing
Try this exercise: First contemplate the to-do list you're carrying in your head or your planner this very day. Now imagine that you're reading the list many years from now, moments before your own (peaceful) death. Which of the items on the list will you be glad you did? Which will mean nothing? If nothing on today's schedule offers soulful nourishment, write in some empty time. Add just a few minutes of nothing to your daily schedule, and empty time will begin to work its magic. It will reconnect you with your core self, the source of pure joy you felt in your sweetest memories. Soon the restorative power of empty time will become self-evident and you'll make it a high priority for the same reason you make breathing a high priority: It keeps you alive.
Protecting
In our obsessively busy society, you may be hard-pressed to convince family and acquaintances you need empty time. My advice is, don't bother. Just excuse yourself, firmly, unapologetically, with minimum information. Say, "I'm sorry, I have an appointment at that time" or "Nope, I'm booked" or "I need 15 minutes alone." I've gotten excellent results with these simple, straightforward statements. Memorize them (or write your own versions), and practice saying them out loud. They'll roll off your tongue more easily in real-life situations.
Promise keeping
Once you've given empty time its rightful priority and practiced protecting your boundaries, make a daily, ten-minute appointment with empty time. Give your core self this brief period of attention, and it will connect you with your real thoughts and feelings, your passion and purpose, the life you are supposed to live—but only if you keep your promise! Finding yourself doesn't require that you fly to Tibet, join a convent, or build a meditation room. Just consistently keep a minimal commitment to empty time.
Prioritizing
Try this exercise: First contemplate the to-do list you're carrying in your head or your planner this very day. Now imagine that you're reading the list many years from now, moments before your own (peaceful) death. Which of the items on the list will you be glad you did? Which will mean nothing? If nothing on today's schedule offers soulful nourishment, write in some empty time. Add just a few minutes of nothing to your daily schedule, and empty time will begin to work its magic. It will reconnect you with your core self, the source of pure joy you felt in your sweetest memories. Soon the restorative power of empty time will become self-evident and you'll make it a high priority for the same reason you make breathing a high priority: It keeps you alive.
Protecting
In our obsessively busy society, you may be hard-pressed to convince family and acquaintances you need empty time. My advice is, don't bother. Just excuse yourself, firmly, unapologetically, with minimum information. Say, "I'm sorry, I have an appointment at that time" or "Nope, I'm booked" or "I need 15 minutes alone." I've gotten excellent results with these simple, straightforward statements. Memorize them (or write your own versions), and practice saying them out loud. They'll roll off your tongue more easily in real-life situations.
Promise keeping
Once you've given empty time its rightful priority and practiced protecting your boundaries, make a daily, ten-minute appointment with empty time. Give your core self this brief period of attention, and it will connect you with your real thoughts and feelings, your passion and purpose, the life you are supposed to live—but only if you keep your promise! Finding yourself doesn't require that you fly to Tibet, join a convent, or build a meditation room. Just consistently keep a minimal commitment to empty time.
Got a Minute? Ideas for Unexpected Free Time
When we're not prepared to use empty time, finding ourselves in the midst of it is frustrating and boring. Here are some ideas that can turn unexpected free time into treasure rather than trash. —M.B.
If you have one minute: Go limp. Settle into the most comfortable position possible. Inhale deeply, hold your breath a second or two, then relax your body as you exhale. Your body will repay the gift of oxygen and relaxation by becoming calmer and more energetic.
If you have five minutes: Forget everything. Jot down a quick to-do list, and let it be your "task memory" so you can let your mind roam free. Patiently and nonjudgmentally, watch where your mind goes, what it says. Then go back to your to-do list. You'll find that you feel as if you've had a brief but refreshing vacation.
If you have an hour: Find a reason to laugh. If you're too stressed or sad to laugh, let yourself cry. Both behaviors release physical and emotional tension, connecting your mind, body, and circumstances.
If you have a free afternoon: Disappear. There will be time later for doing; this afternoon is for being. Roam your favorite places. Drink in all the beauty you find. Tell no one.
If you have a whole day: Live it on purpose. Start by reminding yourself what you want your life to mean. Take one small step in the service of your purpose. Then give yourself a gift. This will remind you that receiving and giving are inseparable and put you in the zone where you simultaneously forget your ego and remember who you really are.
If you have one minute: Go limp. Settle into the most comfortable position possible. Inhale deeply, hold your breath a second or two, then relax your body as you exhale. Your body will repay the gift of oxygen and relaxation by becoming calmer and more energetic.
If you have five minutes: Forget everything. Jot down a quick to-do list, and let it be your "task memory" so you can let your mind roam free. Patiently and nonjudgmentally, watch where your mind goes, what it says. Then go back to your to-do list. You'll find that you feel as if you've had a brief but refreshing vacation.
If you have an hour: Find a reason to laugh. If you're too stressed or sad to laugh, let yourself cry. Both behaviors release physical and emotional tension, connecting your mind, body, and circumstances.
If you have a free afternoon: Disappear. There will be time later for doing; this afternoon is for being. Roam your favorite places. Drink in all the beauty you find. Tell no one.
If you have a whole day: Live it on purpose. Start by reminding yourself what you want your life to mean. Take one small step in the service of your purpose. Then give yourself a gift. This will remind you that receiving and giving are inseparable and put you in the zone where you simultaneously forget your ego and remember who you really are.
From the April 2004 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
