Thanks to Kathy's work (and centuries of psychological work on conation), I've stopped asking others to match my instinctive style. I no longer expect squirrels to swim and otters to climb trees. As a result, I'm better able to support myself, my children, and everyone else I know. Here's a quick primer on how you can do the same:

Your Style of Action
Accept that you have an inborn, instinctive style of action. Just learning that there are four distinct patterns of action was a huge Aha! for me. When Katie and I accepted that we simply had different ways of doing things, our relationship and her confidence began to improve immediately. To identify your own action-mode profile, you can take a formal online test (the Kolbe Index at kolbe.com; there is a charge), or just observe your own approach to getting something done. To give you an example, people with different profiles might respond to a challenge—let's say, learning to crochet—in the following ways:

• Quick Start: If you're a Quick Start who wants to crochet, you'll probably buy some yarn and a hook, get a few tips from an experienced crochetmeister, and jump right into trial and error.
• Fact Finder: You'll spend hours reading, watching, asking questions, and learning about crocheting before actually beginning to use the tools.
• Implementor: You pay less attention to words than to concrete objects, so you might draw a pattern of a crochet stitch or even create a large model using thick rope, before you go near a needle.
• Follow Thru: You'll likely schedule a lesson with a crochet teacher or buy a book that proceeds through a yarn curriculum, learning new stitches in order of difficulty.

None of these approaches is right or wrong. They can all succeed brilliantly. But someone who's programmed to use one style will feel awkward and discouraged trying to follow another. We can all master each style if we have to, the way a mole can swim or an otter can climb trees, but it's not a best-case scenario.

From the January 2006 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine