By Dr. Brené Brown

As unique as we all are, an awful lot of us want the same things. We want to shake up our current less-than-fulfilling lives. We want to be happier, more loving, forgiving and connected with the people around us. So...we make decisions ("I'm going to hang out with happy people!"); we give ourselves lectures ("If you'd just stop feeling guilty, you'd able to do what you want); and we strive for markers of that accomplishment ("Just go to the completely intimidating party and meet one person!").

Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, author of The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly and research professor at the University of Houston, has spent the last 12 years figuring out what keeps us from living—despite our best efforts—the kind of wholehearted, fully involved existences that we're trying to lead. It turns out that a lot of the assumptions we hold so dear and we believe will turn around everything are...well...just plain wrong.

Read on to find out why! Then, tune in Sunday at 11 a.m. ET/PT for her all-new interview with Oprah. Watch only on OWN. 

1. Fitting In Is Not Belonging

There are so many terms we use every day whose meanings are gauzy, if not downright imprecise—which makes it hard to get your head around what's really going on in your life. For example, contrary to what most of us think: Belonging is not fitting in. In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all.

Many us suffer from this split between who we are and who we present to the world in order to be accepted, (Take it from me: I'm an expert fitter-inner!) But we're not letting ourselves be known, and this kind of incongruent living is soul-sucking.

In my research, I've interviewed a lot of people who never fit in, who are what you might call "different": scientists, artists, thinkers. And if you drop down deep into their work and who they are, there is a tremendous amount of self-acceptance. Some of them have to scrap for it, like the rest of us, but most are like this neurophysicist I met who, essentially, told me, "My parents didn't care that I wasn't on the football team, and my parents didn't care that I was awkward and geeky. I was in a group of kids at school who translated books into the Klingon language. And my parents were like, ‘Awesome!' They took me to the Star Trek convention!" He got his sense of belonging from his parents' sense of belonging, and even if we don't get that from Mom and Dad, we have to create it for ourselves as adults—or we will always feel as if we're standing outside of the big human party.

The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you're enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect. When we don't have that, we shape-shift and turn into chameleons; we hustle for the worthiness we already possess.

For the past 12 years, Dr. Brené Brown has studied vulnerability, worthiness, shame and courage as a professor at the University of Houston's Graduate College of Social Work. At the 2010 TEDx talk in Houston, she opened up about her own vulnerabilities and her quest to better understand herself. Her story of personal discovery resonated with people beyond those in attendance, garnering more than 7 million views on TED.com. (Watch it here.)

Last week, Dr. Brown revealed why a perceived weakness like vulnerability is really our greatest strength. Now, she's back and delving even deeper. This Sunday, find out how to stop shame in its tracks and learn more about living a wholehearted life.

Tune in for the second part of Oprah's interview with Dr. Brown Sunday at noon p.m. ET/PT only on OWN.

Shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brené Brown says shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. It's the most primitive human emotion we all feel—and the one no one wants to talk about. If left to its own devices, Dr. Brown says, shame can destroy lives.

Watch as she reveals the three things shame requires to grow and the one thing that can stop shame in its tracks:



Dr. Brown says shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, eating disorders, violence, bullying and aggression. Guilt, however, is not. Find out why she says there's such a big difference between shame and guilt. Plus, watch as she reveals how she talks to herself when feeling shame, and get the one surefire way to pull yourself out of a shame spiral:



When something shameful happens in your life, Dr. Brown says, there are six types of people with whom you shouldn't share the story. Watch to find out who they are. Plus, hear why she says everyone needs just one "move-the-body friend":



Stopping shame cycles can start from childhood—even though Dr. Brown says shame is the number one classroom management tool in schools of every kind in this country. Find out what Dr. Brown wants all parents to know about shame, humiliation and name-calling: