Oh, denial, denial; it really ain't just a river in Egypt. It's the paradoxical state of knowing something without being conscious of it. Denial evolved to sustain us in impossibly stressful situations—if you've just lost a loved one or a limb, you can keep fighting or running if you don't absorb the enormity of that loss. But denial—like many stress responses—often outgrows its natural function. Many people can live in a state of denial for long periods, even when they're not in danger. Then, denial itself becomes dangerous.

Most of us are in denial about something. We know that we're spending too much, eating too much sugar, letting moodiness strain our relationships. But we ignore that knowledge as we shop, munch or snap at our children. We split into two people: one who knows the truth, and one who pretends not to. The word "integrity" means being one consistent thing. Being two things? That's called "duplicity." It destroys trust and confidence, undermines our good intentions and our health. Wisdom is largely the willingness to be consistent, knowing what we know, feeling what we feel and doing what we believe is right.

We split into two people: one who knows the truth, and one who pretends not to.

Symptoms of Truth-Fearing

Trying to overcome denial can be baffling, since denial hides itself from the conscious mind. To spot it and heal our internal contradictions, we must look for symptoms like these:

• Anxiety, insomnia, nightmares
• Anger or hostility with no obvious cause
• Depression, despair, hopelessness
• Feeling emotionally cut off, misunderstood, lonely
• Any form of compulsive or addictive behavior

The Cure

If you're bedeviled by negative emotions you can neither control nor understand, or if you consistently do things you consider wrong, you're probably hiding from a truth. The medicine you need is honesty. That's why rehab is all about telling the whole truth and why abuse victims begin healing when they "tell." Even extreme trauma can be healed by honesty, while even small lies are poisonous.

Emerging from denial requires two things: a safe place and a compassionate witness. Therapy offers both, so if you can afford it, get it. A 12-step group, religious leader or trusted friend can also help. You can even provide your own safe place and be your own compassionate witness. To start, answer the following questions in order:

• What's the most unpleasant emotion I'm feeling?
• What thought is causing that feeling?
• What am I afraid to know about this?
• What's the kindest thing someone could say to me about this situation?
• What's the kindest thing someone could do for me as I confront this truth?

It's crucial that after answering the first three questions, you offer yourself the kindness you identify in the last two. From this compassionate stance, you'll begin to see ways to cope with the truths you've finally accepted, asking for help when you need it. This is the way to move into healing integrity. No matter how scary the truth may be, it really will set you free.

Your Private Notebook

Did this article trigger something in you? Is there a quote you want to save? You can use this space to save your aha! moments.

You must sign in to use this private area. Click here to sign in.