Iyanla: Fix My Life
Saturdays at 9/8c
Iyanla's Heartfelt Response to the DMX Premiere
Posted: Mon 04/15/2013 03:30 PM
We had only been reunited for six months when, on March 30, 2001, the eve of his 50th birthday, after seven months of being clean, I got the call.
The official report stated that his heart stopped as a result of cocaine and heroin ingestion. In my heart of hearts, I know that my brother died from the pain of believing he had been abandoned and rejected by our father. My brother died because people grew weary of trying to help him, he grew weary of trying to get help, and because he lived in a world where it is more acceptable and safe to be angry than it is to be vulnerable. Fast forward...
I could not keep up with the Tweets during the second season premiere of Iyanla: Fix My Life featuring DMX. I want to put that show into a larger context, a healing context. People were shocked, saddened, disgusted with him. Others were angry, critical and disillusioned with me. The pain and discomfort of watching on television was more than some could handle. They tuned out, changed channels and went back into the cocoon of "can't see, don't know." It is this choice that abandons hundreds of thousands of pain-ridden people. It was hard to watch and even harder to sit in, knowing that I was in the presence of greatness that had disintegrated into the toxicity of believing he was not loved. Obviously, DMX was angry about something. It would appear as if it were me. I know better. I know that the mask of anger often hides the fear of being vulnerable. What I know for sure is that in order to be healed, you must be willing and vulnerable. When you are not willing, you will hurt yourself and others. It is this unwillingness and the fear of being vulnerable that is painful to watch, not the healing.
Whether DMX will change his mind and heal his heart remains to be seen. The truth is that he showed up, and he stayed. We can, therefore, assume that some part of him wanted some part of what unfolded, even if the only benefit was for his son. A father wants the best for his son even when he doesn't know how to make it happen. I know my father wanted the best for my brother. I also know that he himself was in a great deal of pain. DMX acknowledged he will always struggle with a drug problem. He admitted he did not know how to be a good father. We can pray for him. These are all good things.
No one but he knows what his path forward will be. What we did see was a shift for his son, Xavier. Xavier now recognizes that his father is a human being who is battling a disease. He has acknowledged and chosen to change how he shows up in his world. He has shared his heart with his father and refused to accept that this is the best his father can be. Xavier saw, sat in and moved beyond the pain. He understands that his healing and his father’s healing is a process. He knows that the process is not easy. He is committed to call his father higher. This too is a good thing.
When I agreed to do Iyanla: Fix My Life, I set a clear intention to support people in recognizing what they do, how they do it and to understand why they do it as I offer support and solutions that can be utilized to make better choices. I understood that participating in this process would mean walking into some pretty scary places in the hearts and minds of people. I have no power to control the choices people will ultimately make for themselves. What I endeavor to do is to see beyond the pain to the possibility and create a space for people to join me there. Most do. Others see that it is possible and that is a very good thing.
Watch an encore of this episode of Iyanla: Fix My Life with rapper DMX, Monday, April 15, at 9/8c on OWN.