Alright, ladies, let's be honest, do you sort of wear the pants in your relationship?
Most women would proudly claim that they do. Maybe they don't call it that, but they certainly do it all; taking care of the kids, deciding what kind of wardrobe their husbands have, where they go on vacation; not to mention how the house is run. Whether they work outside or inside the home, they are alpha women.
While being an alpha woman in the office could land you a big promotion, being an alpha wife can wreak havoc on your sex life and your relationship. In the early days of dating, you and your partner were likely on equal terms. You didn't bully him to pick up his dirty laundry or fussily reload the dishwasher after he has attempted to take it off your plate. But you probably knew from the beginning that he was kind and gentle and safe. And being in control makes you feel safe as well. After all, if you are in control of everything, especially him, he really needs you, right? He wouldn't leave you because he's so dependent. But you're wrong.
From In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman
Alpha women tend to infantilize their men. When you lecture him on the "right" way to fold the laundry or scold him for allowing your child to stay up past his bedtime, you are infantilizing him. He is not an equal partner. You don't respect (or even ask) for his opinions, because you are CEO of the household. What you say goes, and "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." He would rather quietly submit to your decrees than suffer your wrath, especially when it is a little thing such as not leaving the peanut butter out on the counter.
However, these little things chip away at your sexual attraction to each other. Being in control all the time gets lonely and tiresome. Alpha women come into my office every day having lost their libido on two fronts. First, they are too overwhelmed and stressed to want sex, and, second, they are now grossed out with him. They tell me they want him to "step up" more, to be more of a "man" despite the fact that he's the monster you've created. He's probably afraid to initiate sex because you have turned him down in the past, perhaps snapping things like "I am exhausted from cleaning the house. Why don't you try it sometime?"
On the flip side, he is no longer attracted to you, because the sexy, flirty woman he fell in love with has been replaced by a tough, demanding boss. His role in the relationship is that of a passive employee, certainly not someone who would feel comfortable initiating sex or planning a romantic night.
What's the solution? Hang up your alpha woman hat at the door and get the balance back in your relationship. Of course, you don't have to be a submissive, simpering wife. But you can be respectful and open to your partner's input and opinions and let go of some of the requirements of perfection. You can give him room to "man up" and show him appreciation for what he does rather than point out what he doesn't.
You certainly don't have to cater to him like a king, but you should treat him like a sexy, beloved, and important man in your life; even when he forgets to pick up the milk. It might be scary to let go of the control, but if you want a happy, lasting and mutually fulfilling relationship, you are going to have to let go and realize that life still completely works and you're still a great mom, even if you let go and everything isn't always "just so."
Stop wearing the figurative pants in the relationship and you might find that you're spending a lot less time in your literal pants as well!