Dr. Phil McGraw's All-Star Advice
I've been married for 14 years and separated from my husband for a year. He had an affair for six months, and after a year, he's asked to come back. I really would like some tools or some advice from you about what I can do or what I should do.
Dr. Phil: Let me be honest here. First, I don't know him. He's not here, so I can't speak specifically about what you should do with him because he's not here. And I don't care how flat you make a pancake–it's got two sides. And I am sure there's another side that he would be telling us about. I'm not sure I would care, but he would be telling us about it.
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But here's the deal. Can marriage survive infidelity? Of course it can. It can, but you have to really work at this. And a few things have to happen. Number one, you will never ever get past this. Never ever, [not] even almost, unless and until you believe that he totally gets what he did to you. And when you see in him that he gets what it does to you for him to do what he did, then you can begin to start building back. Until then, no.
And then he's got to be willing to do several things. Number one, he's got to be willing to cut all contact with her. I don't care if they work at the same place. One of them has got to go. No more contact. He's got to be an open book. And you've got to make a decision whether you're ever willing to forgive him or not. Because if not, it's a life sentence, and it will make both of you absolutely crazy.
He's got to earn his way back, but remember this: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Next: Meet the 52-year-old virgin
Published on January 03, 2011