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During her depression Lorraine says she was simply going through the motions of motherhood. "They had clean clothes and a warm meal and they had a roof over their head, but I was missing," Lorraine says. "My soul, my vibrant being, was nowhere to be found." Although she had thoughts of suicide, Lorraine says she never would have acted on them because her daughters, Margaux and Stella, were her lifeline.
For the first time, Stella discusses how her mother's depression affected her. "Watching the person who's supposed to be taking care of you in pain is the hardest part. It was hard for me because I felt responsible. She fought to make me happy. For me to have the life that I wanted. And I think that took a lot out of her," Stella says. "I just wanted to be able to make it all okay, and I couldn't. It's painful. It's hard to watch someone you love deteriorate. And it's even harder to watch as a child when there's really nothing you can do."
At times, Stella says it felt like her mother was lost forever. "She might as well have been lying in a hospital bed with IVs—it's the same thing," Stella says. "She was dying. She was already dead. For me, it felt like she was never going to come back."
Now, Margaux says she sees a different person in her mother. "More recently I've seen someone who's made the choice to be an active member of her life," she says. "And that's something she wasn't before. And that's a wonderful thing."
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