10. She smells great.
9. Without her, we would have never known that quack Dr. Phil.
8. She helped me start my wildly popular D Magazine.
7. We're yoga buddies.
6. Oprah's incredibly busy, yet she always finds time to ignore my calls.
5. She agreed to validate my parking.
4. Taught me how to launder money in the Cayman Islands.
3. Anytime I'm in Chicago, she lets me crash on her couch.
2. Oprah gave me my first post-surgery sponge bath.
1. She's giving everybody in today's audience a new house.
"Nobody gets a house," Dave says. "It's a joke!"