Jeanice and Jim

Jeanice's life looked ideal from the outside—a wealthy husband, two healthy sons, a gorgeous home and a booming yacht business. Little did she know that her husband, Jim, was leading a double life as a gay man. Jim says that he thinks he knew he was gay before he married Jeanice, but he felt like when he met her, he wouldn't have to be with another person—woman or man. He then says he cheated on Jeanice 12 of the 15 years they were married.

"Even when [Jeanice and I] were having great sex, I still had an attraction to men," Jim says. "I always sort of thought the gayness would eventually get out of my system. Once or twice she asked if there was another woman in my life, and I actually told her there was not. In the back of my mind I thought, 'Okay, there's men in my life, but there's no other women in my life.'"
Jeanice talks about her gay husband

Jeanice says that she had absolutely no idea about Jim's homosexuality, and when he confessed to her the truth, she was floored.

"He just came out and said, 'I'm gay,'" Jeanice says. "'I have been all my life.' I felt so betrayed, and I felt really angry at myself. Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I see the signs? My whole life was a lie."
David, a gay man, on the difficulties of married gay men coming out

David is a gay man who says he is propositioned on the Internet all the time by married men who are prowling for men right from their own living room. He says he isn't surprised that so many married men are actually gay.

"The coming out process is hard for many people. It was hard for me," David says. "I think it's easier to do what your friends, family and society expect of you than to what's right for you. You need to do what's right for yourself to be comfortable and happy for yourself."
Joseph, gay, and Sara are still married

Joseph tried to lead a "straight life," and when he met Sara in college, he believed she might be able to "change" him. They married after college and had two beautiful daughters. But Joseph could not stop thinking about men. He began viewing gay porn online and in shops, and soon met a man and began having an affair.

After Joseph came out to Sara, they decided that, for the benefit of their family, they would try to continue to stay married and live together.

"We don't pretend to be lovers. ... We made an agreement that he would live downstairs while we worked through this. And we remain the best of friends, though. That doesn't change in our relationship. That's how it started. And that's how it continues. ... In our family, we have always been tolerant and have always been surrounded by people who are different than ourselves. So we just continue to stress that the tolerance is important."
A gay man talks about growing up with homophobic family

Joseph says that hurting and deceiving Sara was the worst part of the whole situation. He says that, for him, worrying about his family's reaction kept him from coming out for so long.

"It was pretty negative in our family to be gay," Joseph says. "Growing up, you know, even the slightest feminine behavior that they'd see that I had, they would correct. Every time they'd correct my behavior, of course I saw that as being negative. The way I talked, the way I walked—I always felt ashamed whenever I was corrected on my behavior."
Carol Greyer

During 30 years of marriage, Carol Grever had no idea that her husband was having sex with other men. In the beginning, she had thought she found her perfect match—little did she know her husband was having affairs with hundreds and hundreds of men.

When her husband finally confessed to her, Carol was, of course, devastated. She says that she relates this kind of unimaginable pain to what a person goes through when dealing with a death in the family.

"You go through the stages of death you go through when another person dies," Carol says. "And you have to take care of yourself. You have to do what's best for you. Whatever that would be. I would say [to other wives] find a counselor."

Carol says that after going through these stages, she realized that, in a sense, she felt relieved."

[For years] I had thought I was not sexy enough or beautiful enough or interesting enough," she says. "I thought there was something wrong with me. So it was a big relief. I thought, 'Maybe I'm okay after all.'"
Nikki, a lesbian, and her Mother

Nikki says that her whole life she tried to be the woman that everyone wanted her be. She married and had two daughters, but at the age of 27, the truth was eating away at her. Nikki finally came out to her family. She says that coming out to her mother, Patricia, was the most difficult, and she did so through a letter.

Patricia says, "I was shocked and devastated to learn it. And I understand even more today where that shock and devastation came from. It was a death for me, too, watching this very embracing relationship and family come to an end. It was extremely difficult for me."

Nikki says that revealing her true self was necessary for her to go on, and at the same time, she doesn't believe her marriage was ever a façade.

"I still don't feel like my marriage was a lie," Nikki says. "I loved him and I wanted that life. I just felt like I needed to follow what I thought everyone else wanted me to do. ...It's been a journey. It's still a journey. But being true to who I am is most important. I hope it lets my girls know that you need to stand up for who you are on the inside."

Under the pen name Nikki Rashan, Nikki wrote a novel called Double Pleasure, Double Pain with the hope of reaching out to women going through similar experiences.
FROM: My Husband Is Gay
Published on October 27, 2004


Next Story