With the medication and gun in hand, Iyanla says she started weighing the consequences of her actions: She worried that if she swallowed the pills and her grandson found her, he'd be devastated. "[I thought,] 'He'll grow up to be a drug addict. He'll be homeless in the projects,'" Iyanla says. Then, she decided not to shoot herself because she didn't want to make a mess.
"So you were at least that rational," Oprah says.
"I think a lot of people who commit suicide just want to end the pain. They don't really want to die," Iyanla says. "I wanted to end the pain."
At her lowest moment, Iyanla says she heard a voice, loud and clear, that said, "Stop being dramatic." "[I said,] 'Was that you, Holy Spirit?'" Iyanla says. "Then I said [to myself], 'You really are being dramatic. Just shut up. Go somewhere and lay down. Go on.'"
Soon after, Iyanla says she awoke from her depression. "I was asleep," she says. "I was awake now, and it hurt."