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Jennifer keeps a list in a journal of the nearly 90 men she's slept with. "I use it as proof, as evidence, of something real to show for everything I've done," she says. The names and numbers on the list, she says, make her "know I was worthy and...desirable."

The flip side of her attachment to her actions is her very real awareness that she is engaging in incredibly dangerous behavior. In most of her sexual encounters, Jennifer says she has sex with strangers and does not use contraceptive protection against STDs or even pregnancy. Whenever she gets close to having a positive relationship, she says she'll actively sabotage it because she doesn't feel worthy.

"It's kind of this Russian roulette game that I play with these men," Jennifer says. "A sort of unconscious death wish. While I'm petrified of contracting an incurable STD or becoming pregnant, I'm also sort of flirting with it and playing with it."

On one occasion, Jennifer says, she was raped by a man she'd previously had consensual sex with, but it didn't deter her for long. Soon she was out in search of new partners.
FROM: Women Who Use Sex to Find Love
Published on February 23, 2006


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