"There are no Kabbalists in Sighet," my father would often tell me.
He wanted to drive the idea of studying Kabbalah from my mind. In vain. I succeeded on my own in finding a master for myself in the person of Moishe the Beadle.
He had watched me one day as I prayed at dusk.
"Why do you cry when you pray?" he asked, as though he knew me well.
"I don't know," I answered, troubled.
I had never asked myself that question. I cried because...because something inside me felt the need to cry. That was all I knew.
"Why do you pray?" he asked after a moment.
Why did I pray? Strange question. Why did I live? Why did I breathe?
"I don't know," I told him, even more troubled and ill at ease. "I don't know."
From that day on, I saw him often. He explained to me, with great emphasis, that every question possessed a power that was lost in the answer...
Man comes closer to God through the questions he asks Him, he liked to say. Therein lies true dialogue. Man asks and God replies. But we don't understand His replies. We cannot understand them. Because they dwell in the depths of our souls and remain there until we die. The real answers, Eliezer, you will find only within yourself.
"And why do you pray, Moishe?" I asked him.
"I pray to the God within me for the strength to ask Him the real questions."
We spoke that way almost every evening, remaining in the synagogue long after all the faithful had gone, sitting in the semidarkness where only a few half-burnt candles provided a flickering light.
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