Ernest Hemingway claimed the most essential talent for a good writer was simply a "built-in, shockproof shit detector." Great authorship is all about truth. To write the stories of our lives as honestly as possible, we must thoroughly reject crap. This is especially useful when cruelty masquerades as kindness. Some of the most merciless behavior ever perpetrated looks very nice. The sweeter a lie sounds, the meaner it really is.

"Honey, people are whispering about your weight." "Stop talking back, or you'll lose that husband of yours." "Oh, sweetheart, that's way too big a dream for you." Statements like these may be well-intentioned feedback—or spite. The difference is that honesty, even the tough stuff, makes you feel clearer and stronger, while meanness leaves you mired in shame, despair, and frailty.

This is true physically as well as psychologically. I sometimes make my clients do push-ups while repeating feedback they've been given, such as "I need to lose 20 pounds" or "I should be nicer." If the statement is false, the strength literally drains from their bodies. If it's true, they become stronger. One client, a couch potato in her 60s, started cranking out literally hundreds of push-ups once she rejected the feedback she was getting from her husband and chose to believe what her heart was telling her. Try this yourself to see what your internal detection system reveals about the feedback you've received. Trust, remember, and revisit honest advice. Muck everything else right out of your mind.

If you opt to write your life consciously, you'll find that a tale acknowledging your hero's strength feels truer than one depicting you as a victim. You'll see that whatever your physical size, you really are a bigger person than any bully. You'll learn that the truth, no matter how hard, always strengthens you more than a lie, no matter how nice. On the other hand, if you don't take up your authority, you give mean people the power to write your life for you. In the end, they will make you one of them. That should give you the motivation you need to take up your authority, because let's face it: Mean people suck.

How to Deal with Meanies

• Why are people mean?
• The write stuff
• Why you should change your hat
• Think big