With compulsive borrowing, treat the self-esteem deficit and the debt will take care of itself.

 
Question: Help, I married a mooch! My husband borrows money from everyone—friends, relatives, people we have just met, our daughter's employer. He never tells me; I always find out by accident. He also never bothers to repay these people. This is obviously becoming a big problem. What should I do?

Suze: The first thing I notice is that you, like your husband, are asking for help from a stranger, but someone outside your partnership can't solve the problem. In my opinion your husband's borrowing is really a desperate emotional, as well as a financial, cry for help. But before you talk to him, log on to www.experian.com or www.transunion.com, the Web sites of two of the major credit-reporting agencies (or call them at 888-397-3742 or 800-888-4213, respectively), and thoroughly review your credit history. My guess is that he has maxed out your joint credit cards and may even have applied for lines of credit in his name that you know nothing about. It's also possible that he secretly borrowed against your home.

The reason you need this information is because you may have to pay your husband's debts. In most states, you are responsible for debts incurred on joint accounts. In community-property states such as California and Wisconsin, you are also liable for debts that he has rung up in his name alone. If he defaults, the creditors will come after you. They can call you, take you to court, or even garnish your wages.

Now that you have a clearer idea of your financial picture, sit down with your husband and ask why he thinks he's hitting up friends and family for money. Because I'll tell you one thing: He's feeling frightened, powerless, and (literally) worthless. His borrowing is an attempt to fill an emotional void. Only by regaining his self-respect can he be rendered powerful again.

If he can't or won't change, do not be surprised if you end up separating or divorcing. In most states the official date of separation is the date on which you will no longer be legally responsible for new debts your husband incurs on accounts that are in his name only.