When I think about when my yearning for motherhood began, I realize after the past three years of actively trying to have a baby that my initial journey began 43 years ago—the day I was brought into this world.
Many women yearn to have a baby, but because of the circumstances and life choices that brought me here, I believe I have a stronger need, desire, karma and connection to becoming a mother. My birth mother couldn't, for whatever her reasons were, raise me. As a result, I was adopted. I was fortunate enough to be able to have the opportunity to be raised by two parents who really wanted to have a child. It's ironic now that Darren and I are going through fertility issues, deeply wanting to be parents.
It's interesting how life works. When I look back at my childhood, I did wonder why my mother couldn't have children (Was it her? Was it my father? What was "wrong" with them?). Was I too young and too wounded to understand that being able to have the opportunity to have this second chance at life was a gift? These parents of mine yearned to have a child so much that they chose me to be part of their family.
Adoption is absolutely an option for Darren and me, but it's not our first choice. My dream as a little girl was always to be able to carry a baby inside me. Maybe this is because I wasn't in ever in the womb of the mother who raised me. Maybe I yearned for that connection. Maybe I just wanted to share that joy with the mother who raised me so we can both have this experience. Whatever it is, I know that is our first choice.
Darren wants to have his genes involved, but we are not as attached today about using mine. Now that I'm 43, we may not have a choice in the matter. The quality and genetic competence of your eggs tends to decline as you reach a certain age. The cycle we're beginning this week will be my last attempt at my own eggs, and I'm hoping there's one good one in there to help us make a healthy baby.