Jill: I had eight categories, and I actually borrowed mine from a book that I saw mentioned on your show many years ago, Carol Adrienne's Purpose of Your Life, and it's one of my favorite books and I've done this exercise—a kind of a version of it—before. So I had spiritual alignment, romance and intimacy, family and friends, money, health, fitness, fun and recreation, and career and life purpose. And, you know, money is positive.
Oprah: Good for you.
Jill: Career and life purpose were positive.
Jill: I feel like I've been on a great track. Spiritual alignment was positive for me.
Oprah: Yeah. That would be for me too.
Jill: It was funny. In talking to the producer, the lovely producer who kind of walked me through these things, she brought up romance and intimacy, which I would say, you know, is a—it's a governed category for me, but I have a negative in it. And that's because, you know, I have lots of intimacy with my husband. I love him dearly. He's a terrific guy. But it—when it comes to romance, what I identified was that our shared time is largely practical. We used to work at the same school and, you know, our time together was doing things related to that school. Our quality time is grocery shopping, going out to eat. But nothing that isn't practical.
Jill: And so the concept of, you know, emphasizing things that are practical popped up for me. And then, you know, I sort of realized that just in terms of my—my values, my upbringing, the way that I approach the world, that, you know, there isn't a place in that value system to value fitness and time invested in it. What I recognized was that I am a doer, and I learned very early on in my life to do the best you can on homework and do the very best you can on tests and that will give you security and happiness. But what I recognize is that health and fitness belong to a category of being, and I'm very uncomfortable just being. So in my, you know, the one thing that I—
Oprah: They also belong to the category of, you know, taking care of yourself.
Bob: Honoring yourself.
Oprah: Of honoring yourself.
Jill: I—I recognize that. But the—the big aha! for me was that my value system didn't include that.
Oprah: Mm-hmm. Okay.
Jill: So, you know, based on the way that I was looking at the world, I wasn't out of balance, because it wasn't even a part of it.
Jill: So that's been really big.
Oprah: I hear you.
Bob: What I like about—
Oprah: I hear you because I would probably—you know, I've been saying that, you know, this is the year I'm going to have more fun. I wouldn't have even put—at another time I wouldn't have even put fun and recreation. Last year, I wouldn't have had fun and recreation even in a circle because that would have been unheard of. You know, everybody thinks I'm having all this fun, but really what I'm doing is working a lot. You know?
Bob: Yeah. And that's—when you say "out of balance," I don't know if that came through on the show, but a lot of your life goes toward your business, your career.
Bob: Your communicating, whether it's your magazine or the TV show.
Oprah: My school.
Bob: Your school.
Oprah: Eight thousand miles away. Yeah. But so fun was not a part of it. And so when I would get time off, I'm just really trying to rest to try to regroup, so I'm going to have more fun.
Bob: What I loved about Jill's story is the fact that she did the exercise—we really didn't have to point out anything—and you could see by her expression she really got it. The purpose of this exercise is, in particular, it's interesting, Jill, that you mention your health and your fitness and those are really important. I would even—those are just things that are the easiest things to remedy. However, I was most interested in your intimacy theory, and I would, if I'm doing a quick consult with you, I would spend a lot of time, if we were working out together and on a treadmill, I'd find out how you'd change that because that's going to be the more difficult one for you. The health and the fitness is waking up. This is simply part of the process. It's always in one of those other areas. And I looked at your expression while you were describing that and I can tell that's a very important area that probably won't be that difficult. You have a good relationship but it's going to have to go deeper. And I think you got that. So there's not much else I can say. It sounds like the exercise really worked for you and you really had some revelations that will be important.
Jill: Yeah. The—the question that Oprah posed on the show last week was, you know, "What are you really hungry for, and what are you feeding?" And what I recognized, that it's in a lot of ways a deficit of pleasure.
Bob: I want to jump in there because this whole process, people don't want to talk about pleasure. It is about pleasure.
Oprah: Don't you write about that in O?
Bob: I do. I do. As a matter of fact, I did that in the January issue of O. That's what this is all about. And we all think we want to either feel guilty for pleasure. It's not going to change. We will always seek pleasure, and we will always try to avoid discomfort. And if you think about it, it's why when you have the choice, if you do an exercise book, it's not going to do as well, because that represents discomfort for most people. We avoid that. And we're like clockwork of seeking pleasure and avoiding discomfort.
Oprah: Do you have a copy of O magazine, the January issue?
Jill: You know, I—yes, I bought it and every single article hit me in the face.
Oprah: Oh, good.
Jill: And I—
Oprah: That's so interesting you mentioned the pleasure because that's what Bob talks about. And when he said, "I'm going to write about this pleasure deficit," I go, "What does pleasure have to do with it?" That's great. Have you made the connection? Have I made the connection between what's missing in your life, what you're hungry for, and the eating?