As parents, we naturally respond to our children's preferences. We will repeat, sometimes ad nauseam, the activity—Mommy's smile or the noisy whistle of a wooden train—that makes our little one giggle or grin. This repetition strengthens those neurons and circuits in the baby's brain that process and respond to whatever initially captivated her or his attention. The cycle continues, and children thus learn the customs of their gender. Since a little girl responds so well to faces, chances are Mom and Dad will make a lot of faces and she'll get even better at responding. She'll be engaged in an activity that reinforces her face-studying skill, and her brain will assign more and more neurons to that activity. Gender education and biology collaborate to make us who we are.
Adult expectations for girls' and boys' behavior play an important role in shaping brain circuits, and Wendy could have blown it for her daughter Samantha if she had given in to her own preconceptions about girls being more fragile and less adventurous than boys. Wendy told me that the first time Samantha climbed the jungle gym ladder to go down the slide by herself, she immediately looked back at Wendy for permission. If she had sensed disapproval or fear in her mother's facial expression, she probably would have stopped, climbed back down, and asked for her mother's help—as would 90 percent of little girls. When Wendy's son was that age, he would never have bothered checking for her reaction, not caring if Wendy disapproved of this step of independence. Samantha obviously felt ready to take this "big girl" leap, so Wendy managed to squelch her fear and give her daughter the approval she needed. She says she wishes she had had a camera to record the moment Samantha landed with a bump at the bottom. Her face lit up with a grin that expressed her pride and excitement, and she immediately ran over to her mother and gave her a big hug.
The brain's first organizing principle is clearly genes plus hormones, but we can't ignore the further sculpting of the brain that results from our interactions with other people and with our environment. A parent's or caregiver's tone of voice, touch, and words help organize an infant's brain and influence a child's version of reality.
Scientists still don't know exactly how much reshaping can occur to the brain nature gave us. It runs against the grain of intuition, but some studies show that male and female brains may have different genetic susceptibility to environmental influences. Either way, we know enough to see that the fundamentally misconceived nature versus nurture debate should be abandoned: child development is inextricably both.