Wendie admits she can be controlling. "I'm a yeller," she says. "I'm a screamer. And he doesn't hear me. I finally figured out why he doesn't hear me—I automatically put him on the defensive."
Instead of shouting, Martha's advice is to communicate with positive words. "When you look at each other, when you're having a fight or whatever, one of you has to be the grown up and be able to look the other one in the eyes and just say these words … 'All is well.'"
Martha says this phrase will keep the fight-or-flight reflex from taking control. "If you keep doing that," she says, "it will become the replacement for your addictions."