I had ordered a pair of black velvet tuxedo slippers from London as a gift for my boyfriend. And then we broke up. And then the slippers arrived. Hmmmm...quandary. Do I give him the slippers or not? If I don't give them to him, who do I give them to? I mean, where am I going to find a guy, size 9.5 foot, who has the sort of lifestyle and personal tastes that would welcome a pair of black velvet tuxedo slippers embellished with embroidered green griffins? Does he exist? And then the light bulb went on.
If this guy does exist, I'd love to meet him.
A couple of weeks ago, my best friend and co-author Ellen Rakieten and I were on the radio doing publicity for our book Undateable:311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Wont Be Dating or Having Sex. We had been out selling this book for a few days, and in that time, we had been talking about the phenomenon of the undateable man. It seems that there are so many men who are undateable. Where are all the dateable guys? I personally had collected a few "undateables" in my experience as a single woman.
The first was the photographer I was dating who took me to lunch. I had been out with him a couple times and really liked him. And then "it" happened. As we were finishing lunch, he started stealing the little ketchup and mustard packets from the table and stuffing them in his jacket pocket. He then grabbed the entire stash of napkins and shoved those in his other jacket pocket. I really didn't understand what I was witnessing. I sat there, perplexed and slightly horrified. "What are you doing?" I asked him. And without a trace of embarrassment or shame, he told me "You see, if I do this, I don't ever have to buy paper towels or life-size condiments". A kiss-of-death moment if there ever was one.
Another one of my favorite stories happened to a friend of ours. She was out to dinner on a first date. Everything seemed to be going well. The waiter came up and asked if she and her date would like anything to drink. She ordered a glass of wine. After the waiter left, her date leaned over and informed her that while he was willing to pay for dinner, he would not be paying for her liquor. Problem.
So what's a girl to do? I guess the only thing to do is stay positive and keep looking. So what does the dateable guy look like? Well, for starters, he is happy to buy a girl a glass of wine...and himself a roll of paper towels. Cheap is never good. But beyond that, I think someone who takes pride in his appearance is nice. A guy who shows up on a date wearing a shirt is good. (Shirtless in public...not dateable). A collar on the shirt would be nice. No jorts (those are jean shorts). Put on a pair of pants, please. No sandals with socks. Someone who is comfortable in his own skin. Someone who is respectful of other people. Someone who has his own personality and doesn't feel the need to borrow someone else's. (Please don't call us "Homey," "Shorty" or "Dude"). A guy who doesn't speak in clichés and catchphrases ("Booya," anyone?). A guy who drives a clean, normal car (not a jacked up one). Does this seem like too much to ask?
I love a man who knows his way around the world. Someone who is comfortable wearing a tuxedo or a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Someone who is interested and interesting. But most importantly, I love a guy who is smart, funny and, most importantly, has confidence. Confidence and swagger can pretty much overcome any wardrobe faux pas. And let's face it, who is going to have the balls to wear a pair of black velvet slippers embellished with green lions, other than a guy with a very healthy dose of confidence. Any takers?
Anne Coyle is co-author of Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex.