HUSBAND KICKED HER OUT OF HOME

Hi forjenny,

I am so sorry that your daughter is going through this. I am not Canadian, so I don't know their laws, but there is no way possible that your son-in-law can just kick your daughter out and keep their daughter. We are not talking about a third world country here. I would even imagine that Canada's laws are better and stronger than ours for spouses going through this. I know that we have several Canadian posters here that might be able to shed more light on this matter. 64girl are you out there?

Have your daughter call a womens shelter and/or legal aid. They should be able to advise her on how to proceed.

I know the hardest part for you is not knowing what is going on and feeling helpless. Do you live near the border? I would think that lawyers on this side would also know how the Canadian legal system works.

As for why your son-in-law started acting oddly....maybe there is something going on medically, possibly drugs? I just don't know, but your daughter and granddaughter need to get to a safe place.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I want you to know that you and your girls are in my thoughts.

Forjenny

Best thing for your daughter to do, is to go to the Cops in Ca. and tell them the truth, that her husband has locked himself and their child in the house and that she is afraid for her child's safety, because he has been displaying increasingly mentally unstable behaviour lately. She should also tell them that she wants her child with her for her child's safety. She has to be prepared to tell the Cops about all the strange behaviours that her husband has been displaying. This is not the time to play fair and be thinking about him. The man doesn't even have any respect for the relationship between Mother and child, so why should your daughter be walking on eggshells for his benefit. If she wants her child back, she has to fight for her and not waste time thinking about saving her marriage.

There is no way the Cops are going to ignore what she tells them. They will go to the property with a Social Worker and child protection officers who will do a proper investigation of what is going on. They will act in the best interest of the child and not according to what he wants. In the meantime, your daughter should visit some Attorneys and find out what her rights are in this situation, regarding issues of custody and property. This man's danger signals are burning brighter than an erupting volcano, this is not the time to be timid and play nice. We hear about women who lose custody of their children all the time because they just would not see the danger that their husband's paused to them.

Your daughter's priority should be getting her child back and being able to be her Mother. Her husband's welfare cannot and should not be tied into her being a Mother to her child. Maybe he can get better, who knows but that is for another time, right now, there is a child who needs her Mother and is being stopped from having that relationship. Besides, she needs to let him know that she will not roll over and let him walk all over her, which is what he is probably counting on. It doen't take much for a woman to get caught up in a cycle of being pushed around. MEN!!!!

Escaped24

Hi Jenny

I saw your comment on the other thread so read this one. I would have to agree with Ruthann- when I read it the first thing that popped into my head was that he is on drugs. It sounds like he is taking Crank (meth). It is very addictive and the people on it do get jittery- and they never feel hungry so they lose weight because they aren't eating as much as they use to. If he stays on it he is going to age before your very eyes. He won't be able to hide it for long but in the meantime there are over the counter drug tests that you can buy at the pharmacy (mostly for testing your teenage kids but it would work with husbands just as well). I think you get a hair sample from their hairbrush or something and then you send it off to the lab. She could have the results sent to your house so he wouldn't find out about it. (It would also be good to have to take to court if it comes to that. That is something the judge would take very seriously in the child custody issue. He wouldn't take hers as evidence per say but he could order her hubby to go to a lab and get the test done so it was done by an independent party. )

If that's not illegal drugs then he definitely has a medical issue and should see a doctor. Maybe depression but that doesn't make one jittery. Could be some kind of OCD going on.

She should defintiely go to the women's abuse center for advice - it's free and they know the best lawyers to hire if it comes to that. She can also go to the courthouse and see if they have a free clinic like mine where they can tell her what she is entitled to and custody issues. I don't know if Canada is a community type place where you get 50/50. If so, then it doesn't matter if the house and cars are in his name only- she is still entitled to half the value. You could probably google Divorce in Canada and see what it comes up with. She should not try to take her daughter to the US . The judge could see that as a hostile move (you aren't even suppose to take your kids across the state lines without the spouse permission if there is a custody issue going on.). If she wants to bring her daughter to visit you make sure she gets a letter signed by hubby saying it is OK otherwise he could accuse her of trying to kidnap her daughter.

Sometime when he is out of the house she should make copies of their tax returns, any of his business financial papers, bank statements (especially savings) and hide them or send them to you for safe keeping. I would also have her start her own bank account and start putting her paychecks into it. If hubby is threatening to kick her out then she needs her own money- you don't want her to come home and find that he has taken out all the money in the joint account leaving her with absolutely nothing. Even if they do smooth things over for now she needs to start preparing to be financially secure as possible in case it ever happens again.

It sounds like she has given him complete control in the relationship (absolute power corrupts absolutely- he can do whatever he wants if he has no consequences). She needs to find ways to get some of her power back. She needs to determine what it is he needs from her and make that work to her benefit. Instead of walking on eggshells trying to make his world perfect she needs to know how to make his life miserable and use that if he tries to make her miserable. Holding threats over the other's head is a two way street - if he continutes to do it to her she needs some ammo of her own (and listen to him howl when she uses it because she's "not being fair!") OK for him but not her- haven't we all heard that before. If he treats her kindly then she will treat him kindly. If he treats her like gabage he really shouldn't be expecting kindness back.

Sounds like you are doing the best thing you can by being there for support. The main thing for her to know is that she isn't alone. Help her find out what her rights are and if she is entitled to 50% of the house, etc. Help her see if he is on drugs or help try and find a way to get him to the doctor.

hiskid

Thank you so much for responding... I know I can alway count on these boards for results.... I live about an hour away. I just happened to be going over there that evening to take her some mail from our home. I was going to surprise her but she surprised me. This happened to me with my husband sooo many times during our marriage. It was like I was reliving it all through her. It is so hard to know someone feels you are that worthless that you are disposible.

She is stronger today, She has her thinking cap on and she is taking steps to protect herself. I told her he could not throw her out of the home no matter if it is in his name...Not unless he has legal cause which he does not.

I do think something is going wrong emotionally with him. I have told her this. When I was there he was so nervous, shaking his legs and stuff I thought he was going to fly off the sofa. he might be on too much caffeine which he used to take. I don't know if he still does. He like that R. bull stuff... alot... This might have something to do with it. I told her to start a journal and keep it at work.

Thank you again she will check the laws... I gave her some numbers but she can only do it from our home. Thank you so much again

Thankfully my daughter did not leave the home. He tried this another time and she did not tell me... The only reason I found out now is because I was making a surprise visit. Right before I got to the house I called to make sure she was home.... she was crying and said that her husband told her to get out and she couldn't take their daughter or car. when I pulled up I acted as if I knew nothing. To try and calm the situation. He was taking their daughter for a walk and I asked if I could do it....... this way they could talk without me around. I t was hard for me to do because her father had kicked me out many many times..... Although my husband would at least throw some clothes in a garbage bag and send me on my way.... He would always say he was sorry and tell me if I wouldn't of done this or that he wouldn't get so mad.... typical...right?

This is what he is saying to her.... When I told her that is exactly what her father would say to me... she was surprised. They all read from the same book. I told her do not let him scare you into doing things that you are not comfortable with.

I do think he has some emotional problems... he is acting like a spoiled child that needs all the attention. It could be that he is suffering from depression just like a stay at home mom can some time experience. I think my granddaughter should go back to day care a few times a week. This might help. Thank you so much for you help. I feel so much better

I don't think it is drugs but I do think it is a ephedrine or caffiene thing... he used to take those ephedrine pill to keep going and drinks a lot of R... bull.... You know what I mean. I also think it is depression... He accuses her of not giving him enough attention. Also that she has too many blankets on in bed..????? It sounds so childish but my daughter says that she could pay more attention to him and sometimes she gets crabby...??? I said to her, Are you serious? do you hear yourself??? I have to wake her up. she is blaming herself for this. I just don't get it. It seems she is afraid of him. she was never the type to be afraid, so was always so strong and independent.... This is the way he liked her to be before. He was always telling her to be more independent like the women in his family.

Now all of a sudden... or for the past months things are changing. I think he is manipulating her into believing she is a bad person. She is not. She is overworked. Like I told Mamolie on my personal page. she gets to work after comuting through the customs at 6:30 in the morning, works all day, commutes back through customs (everyday)... gets home to a dirty house because as her husband will attest he is a piggy, she cleans the mess , cooks, takes care of her daughter, then gets ready for work the next day...thats an easy day with no interruptions or doctors visits and stuff. come on... how can she be on point the whole time???

She said she will never go out of the home without her daughter... I told her she should stop crying and showing him her weakness and be strong. she said she will because now she knows she has support. we have also devised a way for her to save some money on the side. for an emergency.

They have always done financial things separate. Although I think he knows more about her financial situation more than she knows about his.... Bad Bad move. She knows that now. I think she has her head on straight now and if not I will make sure it stays on.....Thank you so much for support.

My daughter was on the sofa when I woke up this morning. He kicked her out of the house again. She finally came clean and told me that he has been doing cocaine for two years. Now it is a big mess. I told my daughter she better fix thiings or I will. She didn't want me to confront him until she had a chance.... I know, I know, she is just delaying all of it. I told her she was just as wrong for leaving her daughter with him while she went to work. No telling what could happen. I went home with her today and found him on the sofa asleep with my granddaughter watching tv with gates put up on the entrances. I told him what if she put something in her mouth and choked??? He said Oh now your calliing me a bad father...... Unbelievable. I am just sick....cried all the way home because I want to fix things so bad but I know she has to stand on her own two feet. I will give her a few days and if she doesn't I will.

Tell your daughter that children's services would be very happy to remove her daughter from the home. And guess what? Because she knows her husband is doing it while daughter is home, she will be an accesory and will also lose custody of the child!!! This is very true. It is against the law to do illegal drugs in the presence of a child (even if child is in other room and unaware).

That should spur your daughter on to take matters into her own hands. No matter if she loves him or is afraid of him, a mother's first job is to protect her child. In this instance, she just needs to collect the evidence, walk out of the house with the child, and stay elsewhere. She can then call him and tell him he has two choices. Either he will check himself into rehab immediately or she will call the cops.

Thank you so much for responding... we have told her just that. She has told me that she has been walking on eggshells so not to say the wrong thing that might make him mad. When he is asleep she feels at peace. This is no way to live. He has her convinced that she is a bad mother. and wife. I cringe when I talk to her because I see myself 30 years ago, making the same mistakes. I tell her stories about her dad and me and she will say, "That is what he told me" I told her she better grow a couple and fast. She needs to tell him that this is the way it will be or else. end of convo.

You are so right, she is my daughter but she is putting my granddaughter in harms way by trying to keep peace. That is why she did not tell the police the whole truth. He told her that she is trying to break up the family by going crying to the police. She made a terrible mistake.... some how my instincts tell me there is more and maybe I don't want to hear it. I hope I am wrong..... but in either case if nothing is done in a few days, I have to step in. She knows how I feel about drugs. I have always felt this way about drugs and drinking. Nothing good come from it.

Sometimes I kind of blame myself because my children have seen me stick it out with their father. I sometimes feel as though I am teaching them or have taught them that it is ok to suffer a bit for the sake of the family. I don't want that for them. I don't want them to go through what I have been through. What I thought was a beautiful family has become a nightmare. My son in law is so opinionated and in your face ego that you can not talk to him.... I know it is the drugs speaking. I can only imagine what she has been going through.

Forjeeny,

Take heart. It is good for you to recognize that you did role-model behaviors for your kids - both good and bad ones. But parents are people too and thus we are very fallible. One thing that you cannot question tho, is that you did what you thought was best at the time. I would hazard to say not once in your life have you ever done what you thouhgt would be in your children's worst interest!!! We do the best we can given the knowledge we have and our abilities we ahave at the time. Remember this. You were the best parent you could be. And you are also being the bestgrandparent you know how to be.

You have been letting your daughter know for a long time you are there for her, you have concerns about her husband, you have concerns about her and your grandaughter, and you ask and you support her and you beleive her. She was in denial. And you did not give up. That is proof that you are a good mom. And now, you are telling her as her mother that you are giving her a small window of opportunity to do things her way. But you also told her that you will be willing to follow up if you need to. She has to do it now. She has to get out of denial and she now has a source of strength to do it with. YOU. Believe me, she has been emotionally, mentally, financially and physically abused (he kicked her out - a man does not have to hit a woman for her to be afraid to go back in her own house). She is not thinking correctly. She has spent at least two years putting out little fires everywhere she looks. And because of tha, she does not have the distance she needs to be able to see the big picture. But you have shown it to her. And exactly what you said and did and will do, gives her strength to take action.

I bet a psychologist would say she is very much of the "freeze" phase of a normal response to stress/trauma. Our reactions to trauma - (and that she is afraid of him proves she is traumatized and probably having some PTSD reactions) - are "Fight, Flight, or Freeze". She too is doing the best she can given the situation and her abilities to think, figure out a solution, and even to see the truth of what is happening. We have an ability to see, but not see what is going on. Thoughts and emotions are disconnected. So the best thing for her is to hear from you exactly what you expect her to do, and to offer her shelter if you can. Now is the time. She will be able to feel safer and healthier once she has had time away from the situation. Then she will probably do as you were doing in the last post - second guess herself as to why she did not do something differently. Because she did not know different. and it is so easy to be a Monday morning quarterback.

Good for you. May you cointinue to be strong and a source of wisdom, courage, safety and comfort for your daughter and granddaughter.

forjenny,

I agree with everything continueed wrote. You have learned from your past and you are not the same woman. You are there for your daughter and granddaughter and that is what matters most. You are seeing everything more clearly than your daughter and she needs that most.

I think that your SIL is probably into more than just cocaine and I'm sure there are financial issues as well. The most important thing now, is to get your daughter and granddaughter out of there. His behavior is unpredictable at this time (as you know ) and he is danger to all involved.

Does your daughter have a friend (in Canada) she and your granddaughter can go stay with? Even a shelter at this point would be better for both of them.

This is going to be a trying time for all. She is lucky to have her strong mother beside her. You will all get through this somehow.

Thank you so much, I have never heard of this Freeze term. What is that all about? My daughter did say that she regrets not doing something earlier. She did confess to me that one saturday night about 2-3 weeks ago she came home from work and he had taken my granddaughter to his sisters to watch while he set up a fun night. He is obsessed with parting and feels she is now a deal breaker since the baby has been born... My daughter is always tired and does not like to do the same things as she once did. He had the lights down and a black light or something, he had the music blaring and some flowers for her. She didn't know what was going on and he forced her to take some of the drug. She did so he would shut up. it made her sick to her stomach and he got mad at her... and that is the first time he kicked her out of the house. I told her she was wrong, very wrong to do that. I am sooooo angry at her and now I don't know what else she is not telling me. But I will find out the truth. Now she is scared that she will be in trouble too... She needs to be. I have to tolerance to this stuff. This is my worse nightmare.

I told her she is not the first or last wife to do things that they normally wouldn't do to please their husbands. She has to be strong and stick up for her rights. and what she strongly believes in. No one can force you to do anythng illegal. Both of them will lose their daughter if she doesn't wake up. The reason he is mad at me is because I do not play his games. He tried to trip me up but I turned it back on him and it made him furious. When it comes to mothers and protection of their children..... a man hasn't a chance. Some people choose to stay out of it and let them deal with their problems and I agree. But when it comes to illegal drugs in the mix, all bets are off.!!! I will not turn a blind eye or ear to this problem... This saturday we have a birthday party for my other grandson. I will see then if he will let them come across the border to the party. If he doesn't him and my daughter are in for a rude awakening.!!

They think they have seen me angry iin the past....they have not seen nothing yet. Everytime this year when my daughter would come over he would keep calling her wanting her to come home.... she had not been here hours... and he was wanting her back... he has not been over our home since june. Always an excuse. NOw I know why. When we go to her house he is always asleep in bed the whole time. Doesn't even come out. and he calls me rude. But now this all makes sense... I wonder why his family has not picked up on this stuff.. and if they know why haven't they done something.

It seems my faith has been shaken to the core. I can't believe this is happening. You go through life thinking that if you do good and help people and live your life the right way, you will be shielded from ugliness. Wrong, All my life it seems I deal with ugly. Lose my parents too early on in life, family moves far away, I date and marry the man of my dreams only to be beaten and verbally abuse most of my married life, Now dealing with his Alcoholic XXX, Children raised drug free and all married... But NO..... it isn't the teens you worry about now... it is the ones in their 30's that have lost their minds. I am so furious that I cannot stop crying. Not because I am sad, because I am mad. YOu see a beautiful couple with a beautiful child, good paying jobs, well respected in the community, Beautiful nice home in a nice area, and they throw it all away for parting and illegal drugs.... They all need to be put in some of these other countries where people have nothing!! Just to show them how to appreciate what they have.!! People iin this United States of America should wake up, we might be struggling now but we have opportunities much greater than most countries and we squander away for fun and excitement of drugs. precription and illegal. What because you want to feel good or not feel at all....Please...soooo stupid. Thank you for letting me vent.......

Ruthann01, I know what you are saying is true but I think she is going to stay. I told her that if she continues to allow him to do cocaine in their home... she will lose my respect for her. She said that he told her he will stop....she is so gullible. she now says that she will go to the lawyer but not give her name.....???? what kind of stuff is that? He is using my daughter and granddaughter as punishment for me... he will not allow her to cross the border and come see us...

my daughter used the fact that i stayed in my marriage for the sake of my children.... I told her look where it has gotten me.... a lot of years of pain and suffering... and for what. Don't use me as a role model because it is not pretty. I have such a list of wishes and could of... that it would span the globe. but now I am 54 and my children grown...I cannot believe this is happening. No one in my family helped me or came to my aid... I was all alone... with just a high school diploma. she has her whole family behind her and a great job...making good money. His hold on her is stronger than I thought.

Hi forjenny,

Yes, is does sound like your daughter is in denial as to how dangerous her situation is. He is not going to just stop on his own, considering the condition you say he is in. He needs rehab and serious help, but how do you get your daughter to see that? How old is your granddaughter?

I would tell your daughter "how it is" with both barrels....that even though you stayed for the sake of the children, you were also stuck and that is not her situation. I would let her know that as much as you would hate doing it, that you will call the children protective services if she doesn't get out and protect that little girl. If she wants to give her marriage a chance, then she needs to do it from a safe place and with professionals helping.

I know that you can't make your daughter do anything she doesn't want to do and that her H is blinding her to the truth, but you can stand up for your GD. Your GD doesn't have a voice in this situation and needs you.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. Please feel free to vent anytime you need to!!! I'm all ears.