Unfortunately your H has replaced sex with you for the porn. Maybe you should ask him what the porn does for him that he feels you can't. I'm all for a woman being adventurous with her H, but I also feel that a wife should not have to do things that she feels are degrading or painful. The thing I hate about porn is that it is not real, but paid actresses who will do things that are degrading, that a wife may not want to do and feeds a mans fantasies for the porn stuff which is geared to selfishness on the mans part. I once read an aticle written by a MC that specializes in porn addiction, that porn is geared towards the woman pleasing the man and fullfilling his every fantasy, without consideration for the woman, and that is why men like it so much. You could try being more adveturous in the bedroom, but if he has been watching it very frequently he may have become addicted and not willing to give it up. Why do you feel he may have hired an escort?

Let my say congrats to you and your husband for sticking it out and wanting to work through the issue. From what I have read here it does not sound like he is looking for a bunny to play with. Only he really knows why he went to those sites. Now He may be just as nervous about exposing his fantasies to you as you are to hear them. He may,and this is just a thought, not want you to think the is weird or a freak or a perv. It sounds like he loves and wants only you. As long as you are comfortable and feel safe with him I think the shyness will pass. But communication is a major key to any marital issue. I think you and your husband stay transparent to each other it will work out. I hope this helps.

Most likely, your hubby has a diet problem - an energy intake far superior to his actual needs. The diet in monasteries that is not rich in calories and usually forbids meats, sugars and similar things, does just that - keeps male lybido low-key. Keep an eye on what he eats, make sure it's balanced and this may solve the problem. I have the male body, too, and believe it or not, food is excellent tool in regulating lybido.

I'm sorry to hear your husband has been into porn. I have been down this road and it wasn't a pretty one. My husband let his desires go beyond porn and into adultry. Although I have stayed with him and we are still working on things and probably will for the rest of our lives, I am not willing to fulfill any fantasies that he has. I did not know or find out that he had a problem with porn or the affair. He had come to me 2 years after and told me the news. Totally shocked by the news, I knew that I could forgive him in time. We have 4 young children to raise still.

I think you should talk with your husband and find out why in the world he ever felt like he needed porn in his life. My husband told me it had nothing to do with me. He still loved me and wanted to be with me (hard to understand). He had an addiction and he let it get out of control. I don't agree with porn, not even casual porn. You just don't do it. I will never put up with anything like that again.

Good luck with your situation. I still deal with it every day. Don't be fooled into thinking you need to please your Husbands every need just to keep him faithful. Love is more than just sex.

And therein lies the problem with porn. It's all self serving fantasy, and I remember a show where Dr.Phil was talking about it where he said regular viewing of porn is usually a stepping stone into actual adultery. They get so into it that they can get bored with just looking and want to live out the fantasies with real other women. I think it's a rare man that can limit it to just occasional use once they start because it becomes addicting so easily. And even after couseling and such they will always have to fight the temptation to go back to it. I wish you the best of luck with your situation heavensup.

Thanks for your response. Have you ever been able to ask your husband what pushed him from porn into the adultery? I am just curious and still wonder if anything happened. A male perspective is always nice. It is hard to trust him again and I feel like I need to know if there is more going on. Things are going really well right now, but I am concerned about what happens when a stressful event happens or a disagreement over something occurs. Any thoughts?

I have asked my H what made him do this. His response, "selfishness"! The OW did stroke his ego and build him up. Not that I didn't, but he was being noticed by somebody else and that felt good to him for selfish reasons. Trust is an entirely different issue. It is still hard to trust him and so I ask him often about situations. He politely and lovingly answers and reasures his love to me and how sorry he is. We are very religious and I was once told by somebody in our church that I admire....That if I stay in this marriage, (which nobody would blame me if I left)....I would have a better husband, father to my kids, and leader in my home. My H has made leaps and bounds from the man he was to the man he is now. I can honestly say that I love and admire him more now than I did when we first were married. I believe that my H is truely sorry.

Trust your instincts....If you think he is telling the truth and sound sincere then he just might be. If you feel uncertain about it then get him to explain himself. My situation was really close to home. The OW was my friend and lived right next door to us. We both have moved to different neighborhoods and I have wanted to call her to get her side of the story many times but I haven't. What I have done though was, I wrote her a letter explaining to her that I know everything and I hope her and her family never have to go through the pain that we have. It was hard but I feel that I took the higher road.

I can't put it past me but I do get stronger every day. Occasionally I will slip back to the past but I think about the fun times we have now. I do have a better husband because of this, I just wish that he could of changed without this huge trial.

I noticed these statements and wanted to dialogue about how much responsibility a spouse bears in meeting their partners' needs. While it is true that love is more than just sex, it is also true that sex plays an extremely important part in a couple's physical intimacy. Say a husband had a need for a greater amount of physical intimacy with his wife that derived from sex. Isn't it incumbent upon her to meet that need, just as it would be incumbent upon the husband to meet his wife's need of greater emotional intimacy derived through communication and sharing?

I think each spouse bears the brunt of the responsibility of meeting their partner's needs. However, I think people often get needs and whims confused. You are not under responsibility to meet all of your partner's whims, although I'm sure many men would appreciate their partner meeting at least some of those whims when it comes to sex .

I'm curious to hear reponses.

Taxman

If people want a happy marriage, they need to be willing to love and respect the other person. Unconditionally. That takes a lot of effort and no one party is more or less responsible, entitled or inately capable of meeting those two requirements. I think a person can gage fairly accurately how much their spouse loves them by how willing they are to give without expecting to receive.

I just think it is very difficult to find two givers who are actually givers and not charming fakers throughout courtship.

But yes, it is incumbant upon each party to the marriage to meet their spouse's needs. And it is also very wise.

I agree that in a marriage you need to meet one another's needs or whims. For women, usually it's more emotional and for men, usually physical. Ultimately mutual respect though. We can think everything is great and still a spouse can stray. Like 19952008 said their sex life was great, at least 3 times a week and still he started into porn. What is it that makes a H lead to that? Just like any other addiction there is weakness and sometimes one will falter.

Time heals most wounds.....and to forget.....I don't think I ever want to forget. Remembering the past helps me remember how far we've come and how much family means to both of us now.

19952008,

Based on my experience, the two best attributes that anyone can bring to the bedroom are an open mind and enthusiasm. These two things trump technique, looks and any number of other things that people mistakenly believe are the keys to being a good lover. A total lack of inhibition with your partner helps too. But what it boils down to is trust; do you trust your partner to not focus on what you perceive as your flaws when you are naked? Do you trust him to respect your boundaries when you discover what they are (note: I firmly believe that individuals and couples too often set boundaries in their sex lives without ever having tried any of the things that they are setting those boundaries against)?

My philosophy when it comes to sex in a long-term, committed relationship is that I will try anything once and that I will be completely open about my feelings, desires, fantasies, wishes, etc. In my personal opinion, that is a good philosophy to have because it means that sex always remains adventurous and exciting and you're always giving and receiving feedback from your partner.

In regards to the bolded portion of your post, what "things" are those and why would he think that you might not be into them?

Sincerely,

Taxman

I appreciate everyone's comments. It is not the type of subject that is talked about easily. I am confused about honesty and when to to stop sleuthing. I was content last week with his reaction and response and we had a few very good days; however, I am 99% certain that he lied about his whereabouts the other morning (a time span of 4 hours). I checked his computer and it looked like he had come home and loaded spyware on his computer. At the end of the day he talked about his 4 hour hunting trip and the long hike he had been on in lengthy detail, but I knew that he had been home during that time. Is he just trying to be sure that I don't find any old things or is he continuing a relationship and I am just being very naive. It is so hard to hear someone you know tell a lie, someone you trusted 100% 6 months ago. I just don't understand. I keep thinking that whatever it is that he is trying to hide isn't such a big deal. The big deal is that he is going to such lengths to keep it hidden. I would be upset by an affair, but this is probably worse. It is like being in perpetual limbo with the imagination running wild.

"While it is true that love is more than just sex, it is also true that sex plays an extremely important part in a couple's physical intimacy."

i concur

"Say a husband had a need for a greater amount of physical intimacy with his wife that derived from sex. Isn't it incumbent upon her to meet that need, just as it would be incumbent upon the husband to meet his wife's need of greater emotional intimacy derived through communication and sharing?"

this is a very interesting statement and yes one would think this only fair/right. but..........

my sexual relationship with my spouse had been very active and strong and as you commented - it was extremely important for our intimacy and bonded us as a couple. we use to indulge at least 5 time a week and i had gone the route of doing things that i was not necessarily comfortable with, but it seemed to work for my spouse. all was good.
then it happened, sex was less and less, eventually non existent. what happened ? i went thru a roller coaster ride full of emotions - all typical - was it me, is there someone else, anger even hate .....................WHY ?
did the viagra - to no avail.
i was devastated and my spouse was helpless to remedy my feelings. i loved him as much as he loved me - there was no questions or doubt about it.
i was eventually able to accept the situation (reluctantly) because of our love. it was not that he didn't want to make love to me - he couldn't.
now - as you said - our intimacy is derived though communication and sharing. it will have to do : (

"I think each spouse bears the brunt of the responsibility of meeting their partner's needs"

this is a unfair statement as each situation is different - but i can appreciate the thought behind it

Sounds suspicious that he lied to you about being on the hunting trip for 4 hours when you know he came home. He is still lying and that alone is suspicious.

dear 19952008 - your inner voice is talking to you.
friend one - went to exercise class and came home to find husband flew to phillipines to live with a women he had been corresponding with for 3 years on the internet.
friend two - recently found out that her husband was having his third affair.
friend three - just left her husband after finding him on porn site. he always denied her suspicions of extra marital sex and the 2 std she is being treated for.
friend four - after catching him for the third time cheating she's leaving him
3 of these women were stay at home mom's - all had careers before
1 worked part time thru the marriage
all intelligent women, 30+ years married - with children, in love with their spouse.
speaking with these women after the fact - 3 admit the signs were there but wanted to believe what their husband were telling them.
the other women had no clue - none at all.
i had come on the oprah site in hopes to find information that i believe is at the root of these issues. i am no expert by any means but i am someone who needs to understand why. the one thing that all these have in common is that they are all in the menopausal stage. yes men do go thru menopause - also know as the 3rd age of life
in researching this i also came across what i thought was interesting - but unfortunate for men - that a small percent of male doctors recognize this while female doctors are more likely too. if i was to guess, i don't think to many men see women doctors about such personal things never mind sharing these thoughts or feelings.
i believe that because this subject is not as well known as the female menopause - it is misconstruded and if left unacknowledged
it often times has some detrimental results. how do you correct something you don't know is going on or understand.
i share my insight with you not as a professional but as a fellow women on the outside - with my eyes open - who is seeing this happening over and over again to those i love. it hurts - everyone involved.
please take some time and research male menopause.
think of the advice you would give a good friend if it was her telling you of this concern - and you will have your answer on how to deal with this situation.
your inner voice is talking to you - you need to listen
best wishes to you in your dealings with this.
warm regards,
emgm76