dellcomput:

Sounds like you have been through a lot! I have some questions for you........

1.do you love your husband?

2.do you trust him?

3. Why did you decide to reconcile?

4.have you been to a counsellor? Would he be open to one?

5.have you ever discussed this affair? Does he know why he did this?

6. what has he done to reassure you or change his ways? Anything?

I do love him, but I don't trust him, I still keep checking his phone and I don't want him doing anything for fun for himself. We're still going through counseling, especially because of my 4 year old child. He's the main reason why I'm still here. My attorney suggested we try counseling and if it doesn't work, then I can walk out. He had the affair cause he said I didn't show enough love to him. However, when he confronted me about not being too happy, I tried making good dinners, dressing up,looked for a full time job, cause he would always throw it at my face I didn't provide enough to the household. I have to say, I worked half-days 5 times a week, my child needed developmental therapy therefore, as a mother I had to be there. To this day, he hasn't given me credit. I'm going on 5 years of marriage this year, and I have to say I didn't enjoy my infant the way I wanted to. When it comes to discussing the affair,, he gets upset at me and therefore, it would cause a lot of chaos at home in front of my son, that I had to keep quiet, and it would cause more hurt inside.

He said there are no jobs out there, but when there were, he wasn't looking and would get mad if I would buy the newspaper.

Now he's gone back to school (part-time) but is now texting other classmates who are women and it brought back the past. He chooses to text even though I hurt and cry,, but he says he's doing nothing wrong. He doesn't get what TRUST really means. How can I get him to put himself in my shoes. I'm looking for that support, caring person who always hugs me and reassures me..Should I just give it time, cause I have to say, I'm working on my self-esteem with my own counselor and trust me on this, I'm better, so you can imagine how bad I was when it first happened. What should I ask his counselor, cause she said he doesn;t get it. Should I take it step by step, work on myself and then make a decision? If he goes to school, it will take at least 5 years before he's done, but that O.W. works there and my anxiety will always be there until then. I'm confused, but working on it with my counselor. Thanks for replying....

dellcmput:

I understand what you are saying. What I hear is that you are trying to make a go of this marriage. Both for the sake of you (you love him) and your child. You want to "get over it" and you want him to show you he means business. By meaning business he should be not texting, not working/going to school where the OW is, being open about why he had the affair (and if he is trying to blame it on you BTW that is merely an excuse!!! He needs to get counselling over why he did it. It is HIS insecurities!!), he needs to be open to discuss your insecuritites and how to comfort you. The problem is not you! The problem is HIM. He is not doing any of these things! Of course you cannot get over it. He is doing nothing about it. He expects you to just "get over it". Guess what? Its not going to happen. Why? Because he is doing nothing about it! Now what? Well, you can either choose to stay in the marriage for the sake of your son and feel completly insecure (of course you would be) and drive yourself crazy or leave. Your counsellor is right, he doesn't "get it". You know I just finsihed reading Valerie Bertenelli's book. I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed hearing about her marriage. It seems so similar to all of us. We spend our lives trying to change our spouses bad habits..........endlessly trying to accomdate them and help them. The problem is when they don't want help! I loved it when she said she found drugs in his wallet but just rolled it up and decided t say nothing. She finally realied she could not change him! So many people both men and women find ourselves in the same situation . WE have to be accountable to ourselves and set firm boundaries. WE cannot change other people but we can change how we respond to them.

I'm not sure what to recommend to you. I think you should work on yourself. Never mind him. Just spend time on you, your career and your son! See how you feel in the future..........is he making any changes? At all? If not then you know the answer!!!

I think you are in a relationship that is all one way, his!! and you do not need him to walk in your shoes, they would be way to big for him anyway. you walk in your shoes, and do not shuffle along thinking you are not pleasing him in some fashion, girl you step out smartly in those shoes of your and you strut, and be proud of who you are. if he can't or wont work on the marriage then there is not much you can do about him, and he is his own problem. good luck to you and your son, and a pox on him...tee

dell

The main thing any marriage counselor will tell you, and I believe Dr. Phil also discussed this on a show he had about cheating, is that your H is not showing ANY remorse for his affair at all. I have heard many times where if the H is not showing any remorse and bending over backwards to prove himself sorry and sincere about rebuilding the marriage, that you should'nt even try to fix it because he just does'nt get how badly he's hurt you and damaged the marriage. He also does not have the compassion he should have for how you are feeling over the A., and without the remorse and compassion he is not showing any effort to fix what he has done or heal you at all. You know the saying that goes "is he sorry, or sorry you found out" . I believe your H falls into the "just sorry I got caught " catagory. Honestly, unless he realizes what he has done to you and admits he was terribly wrong and is remorseful, I believe he will do it again and possibly continue to have several affairs in the future. I honestly could not handle my H continuing to work with and see the OW on a daily basis, and the first rule of thumb after an affair is discovered is NO CONTACT with the OW or OM.