Affairs in long-distance relationships

i confronted him yesterday -he denied, then finally owned up when i threw all the evidence in his face over n over again. I told him he'd need to come up with a PLAN to make this work, because he is the one who screwed up on so many levels. Let me mention here, he has neglected me for the past 6-8 months completely, e.g. I was always understanding of his crazy hrs but he was always available to his extended family in the area, not to me. He could drive 2-3 hrs in the opposite direction to cater to his family, sleep deprived and all, but never did that for me. He would come within 5 mins of my house to pick up relatives from the airport, never called, never got in touch with me! My lease is ending in another 2 weeks - and he STILL has not bothered to ask me what my plans are after that?! where i plan to move?! (he knows its ending)..... I always expected nothing of him except communicaiton via phone calls (he was too lazy to set up a webcam) - and I told him to do wat he thought was best for us i.e. concentrate on work, study for his boards etc etc. His family is the kind of family that expects you to stand in the middle of oncoming traffic to prove ur love and devotion to them. When I confronted him, I brought this up too - that I resented i was always second - between his affairs and his controlling family. When we are doing long-distance, I should come first, not his family. He said he was sorry, but didnt see how he could change anything - his "dealings with family would be impossible to change, and the trust issue is there anyway and that can never be resolved anyway." ....HUH?!??!?!

Let me mention here - the very day he was supposed to visit me (yest) - just the same morning he upgraded to a full membership on ashleymadison and messaged two older women in his area to "respond if they are interested". After our showdown yesterday, he never called or emailed or texted me, never came up to my apartment. He also proceeded to change all his email passwords and ashleymadison pw last night. He finally called me today to tell me he "needed time to think" and that he'd break it to his parents. he told his mom aparently. and then a few hrs later i called him to get details, he said they were all out on a roadtrip looking at the falll foliage!!! very nice....

basically, he said he doesnt have a plan yet. he needs to think abt it. he is thinking deeply abt WHY he did wat he did. and wants me to think about it too. He says there must be a reason why he neglected me, and that he may hav fallen out of love, the spark died etc etc etc. then, he had the guts to ask me how we were going to go ahead and separate our phone bills because he found it very weird n creepy that i was following every text message/phone call he made. Iv told him several times i will consider making this work if he has a "plan" , but he is having a hard time thinking straight i guess.

Please share your thoughts on this. Is he worth the trouble????

In short, NO.

Sorry. You are young, vibrant, intelligent, educated, clearly capable of taking care of yourself. You have no kids. Run while you can. If he is incapable and clearly UNWILLING to give you his best NOW, then what do you think will happen later on in life, with the added pressures of kids and home. The "spark" died. There you go. Do you think it can be revived? And do you think he took steps to revive this spark , or did he do everything he could to sabotage it?

I know I sound harsh, and I don't mean to. I come from a place of good intentions. I've been through the pain ( my husband cheated on me for 2 yrs with a " friend" of his-a collegue at work, so I know exactly how it feels to be betrayed. Of course he is sooo sorry now and loves me to death blah blah blah, but the deed is done and the trust is broken and frankly, I deserve better The difference is that we already have kids, which has made everything so much more painful and complicated for me to untangle all the threads of my life.

I love my kids with all my heart, but aside from them, I wish he had cheated on me before we had kids because I would have dumped his sorry butt as soon as I found out. I don't believe there is only one person out there for us. I think we deserve to be with someone who loves us and shows it through his actions and not just words, someone who will honor our relationship and put us FIRST. Anything else is just not good enough.

I hope in the end you will be strong and courageous and just a little bit selfish and do what is right for YOU, whatever that means. Just keep in mind fear of the future unknown is not a good enough reason to stay in an unhappy present.

Take care

sophyest

Firstly, I commend you on the pro-active approach you promptly took in 'investigating' the discrepencies. You needed to know the truth asap and indeed you sought the truth. It may not sound like much to you but many women do deliberately ignore the 'signs' for years choosing not to uncover the truth so that they can continue living within their illusion. It takes courage and mental strength to face a truth you know is going to bring you great pain. And you were prepared to break the illusion.

Secondly, once you investigated the discrepencies, you wasted no time in confronting your husband. Again this took courage to do as you would of known that his admission would give you a definite answer. Thus, you chose not to remain in limbo ie 'did he do it or did he not do it?'.

You have already demonstrated a high degree of self-responsbility, courage and mental strength and I have a feeling that you will continue to progressively move through your journey and come out on the other end a happier and better person. The future looks bright for you. It may not make sense now, but it will in time to come.

In answer to your question ......Yes, your husband is worth the trouble but only on certain proviso.

1. He is willing to accept full responsbility for his actions. You are not to blame for his infidelity. Granted, the marriage may of experienced some difficulties, whether that be in the long-distance relationship or otherwise. But ultimately these difficulties did not need to lead to his infidelity. He could of chosen to deal with these difficulties in a honest and less hurtful manner. But he didn't.

2. He is willing to put 100% committment in not only working on the marriage but also working on himself. Get to the real core of the problem. Why did he do what he did? Who is he really? 'Working on the problem' doesn't merely involve talking about it to you but also actively engaging in counselling, therapy, infidelity education etc. Actions will speak louder than words in this situation.

3. He immediately ceases all contact with other women. And his contact with any women from here on end ie co-workers etc should be transparent to you. He should not take offense at you asking to see his emails, SMS etc. He needs to have understanding that the trust has been damaged and thereby you are going to have requirements which will need to be respected if he is to earn that trust back.

Now, having said all that, unfortunately, it doesn't appear to me that your husband is moving in that direction. However, affair discovery has only just occurred and you are both in shock. You are shocked that you found out and he is shocked that you have found out. Initially, many men do play the 'blame game' or withdraw from the situation for self-preservation. But in a day or two, perhaps more, you should be able to better ascertain which direction he is moving in.

Either way, the situation has no doubt left you with emotional upheaval so it would be good for you to still source some counselling for yourself on a individual level. Don't wait for him to make his mind up as you now owe it to yourself first and foremost to look after yourself.

I hope my feedback assists you on some level. Please continue to post here as the events unfold. I can see you are serious about moving through your situation . I will be more than happy to post you back.

phoenix

I like your advice to sophyest. So very true...she is young, vibrant, intelligent, educated and cabable of taking care of herself. She doesn't appear needy or clingy to him.

If the 'spark is gone', I think she will be just fine without him. Not having children to him, is huge 'freedom' in my books. If the marriage doesn't work out, she will be able to move on from him without ever having to see him nor his family again in her life.

And yes, there are many other fish in the sea. Especially for someone as bright and intelligent as you sophyest. Take your pick.

huntbon and phoenix, thanks for your responses. I am really not worried about myself, I am financially independent of him and at this point also thanking god i dont have kids with him. I know I will be ok without him and his crazy family. The only people I worry about are my parents (told my dad yesterday - obviously his first response was to calm me down and think about how things can be patched up). My H told his mother, and she called me yesterday, not exactly condoning but trying to "explain" his behavior, and that this would never have happened if I was living with him. Also, I am pretty sure he put a spin to the whole situation when he fessed up to his mom because it looks liek she thinks the major issue here was that i am angry because my H visits his relatives too often. Well, I tried explaining to her that thats a symptom, not the disease, and the actual problem is with him and he will need to make amends- lots of them. Anyway, I spoke to my H too a couple of times in the past 2 days, and he says he needs to think about what he wants, what he needs to do. What is really boiling my blood, is the fact that, considering what he has done to me, to us, to our 10-year history - why should HE be the one getting to decide what he wants to do? How come HE gets to pick n choose now? I should be the one kicking him out and dumping his sorry a**. I do not want to finish things off in a rush, but shouldn't his reflexes in a situation like this say something about what this relationship means to him?? How long should I keep quizzing him, he keeps giving the wrong answers and I keep telling him its the wrong answer, try again??!

Our situation is complicated at a professional level too - for now I cannot move back to his place because I cannot leave my current job (I acquired permanent resident status through the job and legally am required to stay on for another 4-5 months... Also know that he acquired his permanent resident status through me, becuase of which he is able to work where he works now). Also, prefossionally at this point it is important i stay at this job. a few months ago i did decide i would move back in with him and work remotely, and maybe commute 2 days a week (its 3 hrs each way) but it looks impossible for now becuas ei need to physically be at work at least 3 days a week; it is made worst by the fact that his parents are living with him for now and I KNOW I cannot get in 8 hrs of work a day if i moved there, they always need attention and idle talk and just someone to be around them and care for them and drive them around and to their relatives in the area - and locking myself up in a room to work 8 hrs would be "rude". Most importantly, frankly, I am in no mood to sacrifice for him, the last thing i want to do right now is to become dependent on him. HE has to make things better now, not me. HE should be the one putting a plan in place and serving it to me in a silver platter. I know, I am very very angry. My firends are advising me to not talk too much about the whole thing to him, he should be figuring things out himself. He also says that he wants to give this another shot, but knows we cannot survive another long-distance. He says he is afraid of losing me, but did not answer when I asked him if he still loves me. I am applying for medical training/residency and we find out in March 2010 about where i end up going. The plan was that he will try loooking for a job in the same location I get into. So , if by any chance I end up in another town again, he says this will not work, and frankly, neither do I. He is not really doing much to try ensure that we do get into the same place. To be fair, he and I cannot do much more than apply to the same hospitals/cities and hope for the best.

I am exhausted. My H seems to have very low self esteem, which has been made worst recently because his father (a retired military man) is always on his case, about how he is worthless, wasted so much time, spent so much money, even took money from him (his dad) and still has no savings, has no kids (questions his reproductive functions in public actually!), is living separately from his wife, has to work so hard blah blah blah. It gives me a headache, I can imagine what it does for my H's self-esteem (and he admits to it). Anyway, at this point I am not sure how much time I should give him. He is not doing anythingto make me feel he really needs me in his life. When should I expect that he will do that?This whole thing is such bad timing, I am interviewing all over the country in the next few months and really need to take care of myself mentally and physically. I am a long-distance runner and that helps. But my head always feels like its going to explode, and I always feel like punching someone or something. It does not help that all my family is on another continent.

sophyest

Glad you posted back.

Anger is a normal emotion. The discovery of spousal infidelity is traumatic, regarded as a major crisis. You are probably still in a state of shock. Perhaps numbness. The human mind can only take so much emotional trauma so it kind of numbs itself initially in order to be able to cope with the impact of immediate crisis. When you are ready, other emotions may follow suit. I'm not telling you this to scare you. Rather, I'm saying it is alright to feel whatever comes up for you from here on end. Accept the emotions as they come up, allow them to move through you. They will not stay around forever and in time the frequency and intensity of them will decrease to a manageable level.

I know what you mean by 'bad timing'. I thought the same thing initially but then I realized that any time during my nine year marriage would of been 'bad timing' beecause my life has always been fairly busy. When I discovered my husband's affair in Oct 2008 (his affair occurred during 2003 but I didn't find out about it until 2008), I was devastated. Could barely focus on anything else. But I had to pull myself together enough to get through my university studies until the end of uni semester in Nov 2008. Then there were so many times I just didn't want to get up in the mornings but I have two young children so not getting up in the mornings was simply not a option to me. I was also working in the human services field. I had always loved my work but this too became a massive challenge to undertake. I literally stopped working because going to work created further anxiety within me. My husband actually took overtime so that I didn't need to work and could remain home and heal from the ordeal. I'm now still at uni but working much less.

I don't know how long it will take your husband to make his decision. My husband did react differently to yours somewhat. He was absolutely sure he wanted the marriage and he was remorseful. Genuinely in fear that I would leave him. Immediately commenced counselling and support group attendence on his own accord, unprompted by me. I actually didn't commence my counselling until some seven months later after he commenced his counselling. But then again, my husband's affair ended in 2003 but I found out in 2008. So he tells me that in that six year period he had already recognized the severity of what he had done and he realised that his marriage was and had always been good. It was him who had the personal issues. So, I guess he had time to think and put things into perspective before I discovered the affair some six years later.

As for your description of his mother and her 'explaination' of her son's behaviour and blame game, all I have to say to you Sophyest is.... been there, done that. But in my case the blame wasn't placed on me but on the OW. However, I stopped the blame game in my tracks very quickly asserting that my husband was not a 'victim' in all of this. I just didn't want to hear it. Because my husband is a 'big boy' and makes his own choices in life.

I don't know what other advice to give you really. Yes, it's completely unfair that your husband engaged in infidelity and is now calling the shots on what direction the marriage will head in. In some cases, the men even leave their wives for the other woman. They don't even bother giving a explanation of their behaviours. I shudder completely at the thought of this.

I think the fact that he only texted you, and didn't "bother" to talk to you on the phone showed a lack of real love. Now that is not to say that phone calls mean anything, b/c my husband called (this was in the dark ages b/4 texting), but still had affairs. However, I would think he would want to hear your voice plus you would probably talk longer than texting.

I absolutely think you should leave now b/4 you have any children. I have heard it said (probably by cheating husbands) that once the children come along, the husband feels left out. Maybe if the husbands took care of the babies they would realize how needed a "caregiver" is - 24/7. Actually, I think that "theory" probably serves as an excuse for the men. Our "children" are in their mid-late 30's & I am still w/ my husband b/c I don't want to put the kids through a divorce. They think their father is great.

Please keep us posted on your decision.

1 week after confronting him - and now 6 days after i last spoke with him - he has still not called me back. No heartfelt apology, no flowers, no attempts at communication about the affair, why it happened, etc etc.

Our parents know - and they also know that he has not bothered to get in touch for over 5 days now.

I was ready to give him a chance to redeem himself, but this is getting ridiculous... he really does not deserve the luxury to sit in his thoughtful spot indefinitely, I even gave him that. I dont know what to do next, except wait for him to contact me. I do not want to rush any decisions, but I also do not want himt o be the one calling me to tell me this is over etc... I could spare myself that mental agony of being rejected. I dont need that right now. What a loser, I swear. What a loser.

sophyest

I really feel for you and what you are going thru. Perhaps you have been too nice and accommodating. Maybe if you call him to say he needs to come over so you can "divide" your belongings it might make him see that his actions do have consequences. Before my H disclosed his A, a few weeks prior he kept talking about not being happy and wanting to separate from me I finally said to him call your parents and I'll call my and we'll meet to discuss dividing the assets. I told him I wanted the parents there so he could tell them both that this was his decision to end the marriage. I had also said to him if we separated then that was it, there would be no coming back the marriage would be over. Shortly after that he confessed his A, told me what a HUGE mistake it was and how he loved me and wanted to make it up to me. He has been the best H and father ever since and that was in Dec 2008.

I think when you finally make them see that you are not a doormat, they finally give you the respect you deserve.

Hang in there, keep doing things to help make yourself feel better! And know that the folks on these boards wish nothing but the best for you!

sophyest

I feel for you. This is one masssive eye opener for you, shocking you into reality. Reality hurts greatly sometimes. No doubt you have been experiencing great hurt, pain and confusion this past week. And during this time your husband has let you down tremendously by not being there for you. Out of all the times in your marriage this is probably the one where his emotional and physical presence needs to be there the most. His inability to be there for you in your worst time this week will no doubt have a significant impact upon your marriage And I suspect that the longer he takes in not being there for you, the further the damage will spread. It may even spread to the point where it is simply too late and you have lost complete trust and interest in him. If this becomes the case and he eventually does return to you wanting to make things work and you reject his 'want', it will then become his lesson to learn from.

Sophyest, I know this would be incredibly painful to deal with. You probably cannot see many bright sides to life at the moment. However, I have to admit to you that when I hear the words 'no children' in your marriage, I just think 'freedom'. As I said before you have the freedom to leave this person and his annoying family and never have to see or deal with them ever again in your life. You have no ties to him via children. That is a massive 'plus' to your situation. Many women would actually be enviable of your 'no children' position.

Hi Sophyest,

First of all, want to say I am sorry for your situation. It's not easy to be on this side believe me I know.

Think deep inside and ask yourself: Do I love him so much I am willing to forgive and forget? Can I live with a Man I probably will never Trust again?

The reason I write this is because in my case I am working on it. I forgave him 2 years ago and I can't look at him the same way I used to..Now, all thats in my mind is I have the right to be loved, respected and cared for in the same way I do...I want to live my life sure of the person I am with...not thinking, will he do it again or is he still doing it ?

It's not easy as a said but you are the only one who could determine that..Your young and you don't have Kids so thats something good it makes your decision a little easier...Besides it seems like he doesn't even know what he wants...Is that the person you want to spend your life with and maybe have kids with??

Just think and always remember your special, unique and you should Love yourself first..

Take Care...

Shalom sophest,

You are in a marraige that has obvoius signs of infidelity, and emotional abuse; your blind rage , now needs to turn to open eyes. He is on a cattle drive, and you are not in the round up sweetie. Let him go.

The Bible says, if the unbeliving departs, LET HIM; the beliver is no longer in bondage, and is free to remarry*

Stop chasing the cattle rustler, and you will begin to see your own value more clearly. Your truse value is not based on being united with a cheater; your destiny is in your ability to say to him, "Enough."

Sincerely, rebeitzen

thank you all for your kind and supportive words. they really do help.

So like an idiot, I called him last night,, after 6 days of him not trying to contact me. He tried to act all normal, at first.We talked for about 45 mins, during which I asked him if he had come up
with a plan, and he said, well, I'd like to give this another shot. Eventually when i questioned him about what HE thought his reaction should have been in the past 6 days, given the circumstances, he said that he simply did not have the courage to call me. He said he had received correspondence from my dad, reprimanding him etc, plus his own parents know too (a lot of details thanks to me) and that he'd want to give it a shot because otherwise he would be hurting sooo many people, including his and my parents. We are both of South Asian ethnicity and generally divorce is considered a last option as its culturaly frowned upon and thought to bring "disgrace" to the families involved (but eventually the decision is mine and his).

Mind you, I seem to be nowehere in the picture. He never said he wants to give it another shot because I mean something to him. He said he is afraid of losing me "at some level" but when I asked him if he still loves me, he said he cant answer that and needs time to think. (He is the one who stopped the random "i love you's" in text messages/emails/phone calls, i even pointed that out to him in the past few months). He said that he does not have the same feelings he did 8-10 yrs ago (does he really think he will always feel like he was when he was 19???!!) .. He thought he had already apologized (he thought that the initial apologies in the car when i confronted him in a rage were all that was needed, and that I didnt need to embarass him any further... How clueless is he?

Anyway, we proceeded to talk about our respective workweeks, and he went on and on about how busy he had been and how late he had come home. And I made sure I point it out to him, that no matter how busy his work actually is, does he realize I will never really beleive him (or worst, respond by rolling my eyes) when he tells me how busy he is? and he said he agreed.. and that trust cant be brought back so easily. He admitted he was unhappy and that was to blame for his seeming apathy to the situation and lack of communication.I told him I want to get inside his head and know what he is thinking because I need to know the answers.

I feel sorry for him at some level. But I really feel he should have come through for me and he would have, immediately, if he really loved me and wanted to save the marraige for us. Havent felt so low and so depressed in a while! I understand he doesnt want to cause his or my family any pain, but I am not going to stay in the marraige for that. There are some things in my life that are non-negotiable, and being loved and wanted in a relationship is one of them. He has asked me to give him 2 more days and he will be in a better position to answer my questions. I dont know what to expect.

sorry for rambling on and on, and thanks for listening.

sophyest, I am so sad to read your story. I am also 29 and in the medical field. I cannot understand how your H would even have time in his internship to go into porn programs or find time to have an A. The schedule is grueling. My H and I have been married one year and sacrificed time but never lived apart. Our time is delegated to patients and surgery. I cannot nor would I want a Dr. who solicits porn or has an unprofessional lifestyle. I hope the board of review does not become aware of his conduct. Being a Dr. is held in the highest esteem. Our spirituality is reviewed as well as our conduct. My H and I have been able to stay in the same facility to finalize my internship and now completed securing residency the same Hospital. Why did you have to be separated? This is all very confusing to me. Usually married couple in the medical field are kept together. Did he apply single? Were you having problems prior?

Before I go further I will say I am so very sorry for you. I think he had other ideas. You said you are a Dr. I would go on my way and make a life for myself. As you know * When the Board finds out about his wayward path * He will not be allowed to practice. I guarantee they will find out. They always do. Many a disgruntled A turns bad and they always report a Dr. I personally suggest for you to make a life for yourself and make a practice for yourself. I don't know what your speciality is but you have given years of study * don't throw it away on someone who would rather have an A and look at porn and loose his license. Than to be a fine Dr. and a decent H. You are 29. I wish you well. Take care. With Blessings, Boop

sophyest

'Ramble' (your words) as much as you need to. It will help you. A lot healthier than internalizing it. The rambling will decrease in time. But in the stage you are in re affair discovery, 'rambling' is normal. You are not a 'idiot' for calling your husband after six days. You need answers and you cannot move forwards whether it be with or without him until you gain these answers.

I can relate to your statement re divorce being frowned upon in your culture. The culture I originate from holds similiar viewpoints on divorce. My mother at one stage had a restraining order held against my father for domestic violence yet she never divorced him. The senior generations of my culture will stay together until death no matter what the circumstances. I have seen domestic violence, infidelity, alcoholism throughout my relatives marriages. Yet they remain together. I am of the younger generation brought up in a Western civilization so I feel less 'obligation' to their cultural norms, if you understand what I mean.