rita728: It's difficult to say. There are certainly flags that warrant your concerns, specifically the secretecy. However, I can say that I've been exactly in your situation. My husband and I befriended our neighbors and instantly she became very close friends with both of us. Her husband is friends with us too and we do hang out as a foursome, but not to the extent that the three of us do, mostly because of his work schedule. My husband would talk with her (call her Karen) by phone or in person when I wasn't around or was around (didn't matter), but there were certainly no secrets. I never feel there is anything going on between them. They have a brother/sister relationship. In fact, there have been times that I would come home late from work and the two of them would be on the porch chatting and had been chatting for some time. I arrive and there is never any weird feelings or awkward moments. I could never see anything happening between the two of them. While they share a friend relationship, she is not what my husband looks for in a female and he is not her type of partner either. I know for certain that I am number one to both of them as a friend and as a wife. (Unfortunately, she and her husband had to move away due to him being relocated -- I miss her greatly. She and my husband still talk and text but it's always open to my eyes.)

While I do not get the vibe in this situation, we have become friends with another couple as well and there I do get the vibe of an attraction by her (call her Tina) to my husband and he doesn't hate the attention that's for sure.

I would follow your intuition. That this the best advice I received on this board. If you're not typically or have not been a jealous person in the past and feeling this way -- then there is probably just cause. I guess what has worked in my situation is that our friendship with our female neighbor (Karen) is not a confidential matter. Also, pay attention to the reaction of your husband at your concerns. In the beginning of the friendship with our neighbor Karen, I had my concerns just because it is not typical that a female and male are good friends. I raised those concerns and he was very supportive and offered that we slow down the friendship or back off competely.

However, in the new situation, when I mentioned how flirty Tina is to him (touching, compliments, etc.), he dismisses it as that's just her personality. Not the same reaction that's for sure!

It can be tough being having a close mutual friend shared between you and your spouse -- there are things that I'd like to share with her but don't because of the common friendship she has with my husband and that I don't want to put her in an awkward situation either. However, I value her friendship greatly.

In my opinion they should not be going out alone together. Thing is if your husband KNOWS that Anns husband is so jealous he should RESPECT that and not do anything to rock the boat, such as taking her out with him alone. In my opinion that is disrespecful to her husband as well as to you. The fact that he gets defensive about doing it (when he knows her husband is jealous man) and knows how much it bothers YOU is a big red flag that there may be more going on between them 2 than meets the eye. Also that they have done it in secrecey is another big red flag. I don' know if they are sleeping together, but I think they are at least having an emotional affair. Same thing happened to me more than once when I found out that my H had one affair with a couples friend 25 years ago and then found out 2 years ago he was persuing an affair with our next door neighbor. I don't believe in married people having opposite sex friends that they go out with alone, especially when it is in SECRECY. If all was on the up and up there would be no need to hide it from you or her husband.

So you should ask him "WHY he was so understanding of your feelings when you talked to him about Karen." Why did he immediately offer to "slow down or back off completely" from the friendship with Karen and now he has a totally different attitude about your concerns wth Tina. In my opinon, and as you said, he was NOT attracted to Karen, so it wasn't an issue for him. I'd be curious WHY he doesn't have the same attitude or quick offer to back off from Tina. I suspect it is because there is an attraction to Tina. I think you should ask him this question because he may have an attraction to her that he himself isn't even acknowledging. And you should pull Tina aside and tell her that you don't appreciate her complimenting and especially touching your husband. She could be grooming your H for a future affair.

I also urge any woman who sees another woman flirting wth or touching your husband frequently to keep your eyes wide open. There are women friends you know you can trust with your husband, mostly the ones that YOU were friends with for quite a while first. When you form new frendships with other couples you should pay close attention to how she acts around your H, and his reaction to her overly frendly or flirtatious ways. And you should try to find out if she has had previous affairs on her husband. If she has, watch out because she may be looking for a way out of her marriage by latching on to your husband. Many of these women already have a history of cheating or flirtatious behavior around other men. It disturbs me greatly that women like this don't give a hoot if he is married or has a family at home.

Thank you so much for the very thoughtful responses. It feels so good to talk about this and share experiences.

2theedge...Same with my husband as it was for you with Karen--Instant friendship. Plus, Ann is not what he looks for in a female. She is very needy and requires a lot of attention--behavior that is an instant turn off for him in a spouse, but somehow he tolerates it from Ann. It sometimes feel like Ann is treated with more consideration than me. If I was to schedule something that he had to do with me two nights a week, he would not be interested because that would be viewed as needy or controlling behavior on my part. I used to enjoy our foursome get togethers, but I find myself growing resentful of what now seems to be an obligation.

Ann does a lot of nice things for me and it seems like she is my best friend (except for the secrets she has kept). She has an acquaintance who is cheating, and Ann tells her how wrong it is to cheat, etc. So she "talks the talk" and appears to be a moral person, but appearances can be deceiving.

You make another good point about paying attention to the reaction of my husband to my concerns. He has not been supportive of my concerns and instead dismisses me as being jealous. He will only admit that it is understandably difficult on me that he has this close female friend, but that's the extent of any support he provides. He will call Ann frequently, but rarely calls me (his reason being that he sees me when I get home) even though I have told him that I would appreciate an occasional call or email from him during the day. I didn't even know they were talking frequently throughout the day; it wasn't until Ann's husband made her tell me his discovery (and Ann commented, as she told me, that it's annoying how jealous her husband is). He and Ann plan and cook our dinners for those two nights a week; they don't seek involvement from me or Ann's husband. I ask to be involved with dinner, and my husband tells me I'm only seeking involvement because I'm being jealous. I feel like there is no point to raising any concerns because all I do is get labeled with that adjective.

peaceyma....I agree that the secrecy and his defensiveness is worrisome. I think my husband and Ann keep any get togethers outside of the foursome secret because they worry what my reaction might be. Maybe I have inadvertently done something to make them think this way. But if she were truly my best friend, would she be keeping this type of secret from me? Perhaps they are having an emotional affair.

I tell my husband that he and I should do more things together. (We work full time but we have no kids, so there is time to spend together.) He tells me to set something up and we'll do it. I did this once recently, and then found out from Ann that he commented to her "had to do something with the wife." I asked him about it, and he said he didn't mean anything by it and that he had a nice time with me. I do have to wonder what Ann's motivation was in even telling me about his comment. The most exciting thing that my husband and I do is go out to dinner a few times a month. I've noticed that Ann calls me on my cell during many of those dinners-she knows I'm out with him. I mentioned this to her, and she said she didn't realize she was doing that.

My husband is a very private person. Earlier this year, I used his cell phone to take a photo, and he was irate and told me how wrong it was to use his phone in his absence. He said a cell phone is private property and he would never dream of using my cell phone without my permission. He also has his own password protected email account. I have been very respectful of his need for privacy. He had a very jealous girlfriend years ago prior to our relationship (we've been married 15 years), and he is very protective of his privacy and quick to judge innocent comments from me as being jealous. Maybe I am jealous and don't know it. Or, maybe he is not giving me the respect I deserve.

One of the big signs of cheating is a man or woman locking or being very protective of their cell phone. My H would not have a problem with me picking up his cell phone and using it now. When he was having his little emotional affair with the next door neighbor I noticed he took it with him at all times even if he just walked the dog around the block. I only found out the truth when he accidentally left his work e mail open one day on our home computer. I had no accesss to his phone records because he has a work issued phone that I get no bills for so I had no way of knowing he was calling her during the day from his work phone. Do you have any access to the phone records of the phone he is using? If you do i would check the online account for the number and frquency of calls to her. As I said the worst part of this is that he refuses to back off a bit from this friendship and the secrecy . He should be at least offering that because he cares about your feelings. I don't know but him not wanting you to use his phone in his absense would REALLY bother me. I think he's hiding something.

Very interesting. He had me convinced that most people consider their cell phones to be their private property, and that what I did was equivalent to opening mail addressed to him. My husband's phone is also work issued, so I unfortunately have no access to any records. He demands all this privacy and expects me to have blanket trust. We bought a laptop computer for Christmas, and it happened to come with a feature where you can use your fingerprint to get access to your screen. My screen is completely accessible. He however utlized the option of the fingerprint swipe so that only his finger can open up his screen.

He claims that being married doesn't mean you give up your privacy. I agree to a certain degree, but the amount of privacy he expects seems overly broad. Given his reaction to the cell phone, now I wish I had been nosey and looked through it. He leaves his cell phone out while he is sleeping, but knowing him, he probably has locked it (and you probably have to enter a code to gain access). I don't know because I haven't touched his phone since that incident.

My intuition is that he is hiding something. I wish I knew what it is. Talking about this is making me realize that he is only looking out for his feelings and not mine.

After what I have just been through with my husband it sure sounds to me like he is hiding something. His cell phone is also work related but I kept noticing him checking his emails long after work should be over and on weekends. He had it for a couple of years and never took it anywhere with him but work, then I noticed that he was taking it with him everywhere he went. We shared a computer for many years and although I never had my emailID set up for a password, he always had one on his. I always wondered why but did not want him to think I was invading his privacy. Last year he decided he need his own personal laptop(even though I was hardly ever on the computer and he could have used it anytime he wanted). Long story short I found out in April of this year( via a letter from the other woman) that he was having an affair. Don't ignore the red flags like I did. Maybe it is nothing but I would be extra vigilant in taking notice of everything that goes on with him and your mutual "friend" Good Luck

I would not at all accept so much need for privacy from my husband. Has he always been this private -- before Ann? In my mind, in a marriage there is no private property -- what's mine is his and vice versa. Not that I care what he talks about to his friends, coworkers, etc., but the fact that he wouldn't want me to know would be a real problem and therefore, create a trust problem regardless of the other questionable activity. In my case, my hubby never did off-site activities with "Karen" that didnt' include me. It was mostly stopping by and hanging out, but again I was always welcomed and never ANY secrets!!!! I believe that you are correct in at minimum an emotional affair is going on here.

Thank you for the warning. I'm sorry to hear about your husband's affair. How are you holding up, and have you decided whether you will stay with him?

I too don't have my email set up with a password. He can look at it anytime he wishes, and that's because I don't have anything to hide. When he is home, his cell phone is usually sitting out on the counter, but it is ALWAYS turned off. When his cell phone is with him, it is on.

I'm such a caring and kind person and I see the good in people, so it is hard to grasp the concept that my best friend could be doing something behind my back. If she is, she is a very good actress.

Here's another red flag that I had...last summer, I was taking Ann's son out for ice cream. Ann's husband was out for the evening. I pulled out of my driveway but hadn't left the neighborhood yet (her son and I were actually parked in her driveway so he could run inside and get a CD), and while I'm sitting in her driveway, I see her leaving from her back door and crossing the street going up to my front door (my husband was home). I called her over, and she lied and tried to tell me she didn't know I had left yet, and she was coming to tell me something. I of course saw through that lie, and confronted her later. She finally admitted that she did go over to chat with my husband; she said she didn't know why and blamed it on the sleeping pill she had taken. I told my husband about the incident and he told me I was making a big deal out of nothing.

I would try to check it when he's sleeping to see if it was locked anyhow. The thing is he is extremely vigilant that you don't get into his computer screen or phone, if he locks it. That would not fly with me anymore. No hidden anything and complete transparency.

So she ran over there as soon as soon as she thought you were gone and then lied about it. That is VERY SUSPICIOUS. It's like she thought the coast was clear and she ran right over there to see him. Plus she snuck out the BACK DOOR. Boy that is a huge red flag if I ever saw one. You ought to set them up some evening. Tell them you are going somewhere and go park where they can't see the car, then wait about 15 min and quietly sneak into your house.

I am holding up ok for now. Only after counseling and my husband giving 150% effort and then some to show me he is truly remorseful. We have been married for 30 years and he was always a private person but as I said earlier there were obvious red flag warnings that I ignored. I had a gut feeling for several months and did confront my husband but he denied everything and had pretty lame excuses for the behavior. He traveled with his job and all of this took place while he was out of town so it made it much easier for him to hide the whole thing from me. Men will lie through their teeth and deny everthing unless the evidence is staring them in the face. My husband had broken it off with this woman back in Dec and I guess was never going to tell me about it but he contracted a std from her and gave it to me. I did not find out about it until after she decided to get even with him and send me a letter in the mail describing what took place along with copies of emails that he had sent her. My advise to you would be to somehow someway get hard evidence of what is going on because like I said most men will deny it until the evidence is in black and white. It sure sounds to me like something is going on, emotional or whatever especially after the story you just told about taking her son out for ice cream. My counselor told me something that really made sense to me she said if your mind is telling you one thing and your gut is telling you another to always go with your gut. She also said if you have nothing to hide then you hide NOTHING. After I found out my husband immediately removed all passwords from his email accounts, had his cell phone number changed, told me everywhere he went, took a job transfer so he did not have to travel, and changed for the better. That is the only reason why I am still with him. It has been a long tough road for several months. I hope you get some answers soon. The knowing but not knowing or having concrete evidence to prove things one way or another is he**. Good luck to you and I will be praying for you---

Yep, that's exactly what happened--she thought the coast was clear. Boy, she must have been shocked to see that I hadn't left the neighborhood yet. Here I was doing something nice for her son and she took advantage of the opportunity. And since she claims she was only going over to chit chat, she doesn't think she did anything wrong. She agrees that it doesn't look good on the surface, but she swears she had no bad intent. Such sneaky behavior on her part. (She even commented when I called her over to the car, "look I just have my sweats on".) She even had the nerve to call me while I was out with her son to ask me if I knew why my husband was in a bad mood (duh--I'm sure he wasn't pleased with her that she came over in front of my eyes).

Another red flag...When my father-in-law was hospitalized earlier this year, my husband called me to tell me he was leaving work early to to visit his dad. My sister happened to be stopping by my house that day to pick up something I had left for her, and she called me to say that my husband's vehicle was here but he wasn't here. After about 40 minutes of hanging out at my house, she saw my husband walking from Ann's house. As soon as my husband saw my sister's car, he went back to Ann's house (I'm sure to alert her to the fact that my sister was here), and then he returned to our house. My sister asked him where he had been, and he said he was just giving Ann an update on his dad. When I spoke to my husband about this, he claimed to have been at Ann's house for only a few minutes (not true!) and then he said he never even saw her because she must have been upstairs (she likes to lay in bed and read). He claims to have stayed downstairs petting their dog waiting for her in the event she came downstairs. He said he didn't yell upstairs to her because he didn't want their son to see that he was there because he knows that Ann's husband wouldn't approve of him being over there in the absence of the husband. At the time, they were both so convincing that I actually fell for their story. My guess now is that they in fact did see each other, and Ann probably just told her son to stay in his room so he wouldn't know that my husband was over. Part of me thinks that maybe they just wanted to talk and they feared how I might react so they tried to keep it quiet. But then the other part of me has to wonder if something else isn't going on.

He's always been private, but even more private since Ann. Prior to Ann, we used to have a mutual email account and one day I happened to notice a flirty email he sent to a female who I did not know. It caught me off guard, and I had quite the reaction (I think primarily because he does not flirt with me and therefore it was unnerving to see him talking to another female in a flirtatious manner). He got so upset with me that I had read one of his emails that he has ever since had his email account password protected.

I like that your husband didn't have off site activities with Karen that didn't include you. That's respectful. I'm beginning to realize that I'm getting nothing but disrepect (from both my husband and "best friend"). I've posted a couple incidents that occurred in my situation that are red flags (and even more are coming to me as I'm allowing my mind to actually think about all this). Please read them if you get a chance.

I know that Ann's husband would not be interested in remaining friends with my husband if I were to back out of the foursome. So, I have to wonder if I'm a tool for Ann--without me, she will have a harder time remaining friends with my husband because her husband would put an end to the group visits if it became a threesome.

I really thought that she was my very best friend and recently I'm having a hard time even looking at her thinking of the possibility that she is betraying me.