During those first few months, I re-read a book that I knew would change my life, if only I would do what it said, but my life seemed so hopeless....but I read it anyway, and started doing the things it told me to, and it did change my life. The book was called, "Fearless
Living," written by Rhonda Britten. Oprah has had her on her show before. At the time, I had already known about Rhonda and her work for many years. I was a fan, not a participant. Rhonda

is a life coach and an amazing person. Her book transformed me into a new person, and I soon was "putting myself out there" and welcoming new experiences.

I met a man and fell in love. I weighed 280 pounds when he met me. He liked "fat chicks." He was short, and handsome, funny, and so kind to me. He truly made me feel beautiful. We moved intogether six weeks after we met, when he proposed. Over the next year, I lost over 120 pounds and wore a size 8 pants, and a small/medium shirt. Sometimes I even got to shop in the Miss sections. Through it all, he continued to love and encourage me, except for one time.

I had just passed my last plateau and had dropped two sizes rapidly and had gone clothes shopping. I was wearing new clothes and so proud of myself. He said I looked beautiful, as always. Later that evening, he said, "I have to ask you something, and I don't want you to get mad at me, but I'm worried about something." I asked him what it was. He said, "I'm worried that you're going to get too thin."

Like I said, he liked "fat chicks" and I was blessed with wide hips and a rather large chest (courtesy of my grandmother's genes), so I still had a lot of the womanly curves going on, but yes, my breasts had gotten smaller and my hips. I got angry with him. How dare he! It was just as bad as when my ex had questioned me about GAINING weight because he was "worried about my health." I told him that I was going to be whatever size I wanted to be, and that I wasn't going for a particular weight or look, but if he didn't like it he should keep it to himself.

I thought about what he said and decided that I could definitely be happy the rest of my life as a size 8. So I started looking for a plastic surgeon. All of the weight I had gained and kept on for 10 years had stretched out my skin....AND I was 42 now. There was no way on God's green earth that I would ever feel comfortable in shorts, a bathing suit, a short-sleeved shirt, or god-forbid, naked without surgery. I went to three different plastic surgeons, asked friends for recommendations, and went to consultations.

The news was devastating to me. The cost of the procedures (not just one, at least two, one doctor urged three) was going to be a minimum of $30,000. I had apparently done such a good job at losing weight and toning my muscles, that removing all of the excess skin could actually be life-threatening if not done gradually. All together, they were going to remove approximately 45 pounds of skin. One surgeon put my estimated weight and size after all the swelling went down post-surgery to approximately 100 pounds and a size 0.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't afford that much money, number one. Number two, I couldn't take three weeks plus off from work for each surgery. With recovery time, we were talking over a year before all the surgeries would be completed. Number three, my fiance would be completely disgusted with my new body.

I fell into a confused state-of-mind. I had envisioned my life going one way, inclusive of the happy ending, and here it was going another. I started to eat whatever I wanted, work out less,and basically ignore my body. Over the next two years, I gained over 40 pounds back. I quit my job of 13 years, and I left my fiance of four years. I have not had a "regular" job since....I've been consulting and working part-time here and there. I have not wanted to date anyone. and my excuse is that I can't afford my gym membership, when there's a brand new weight set outside and a golf course down the hill with pedestrian tracks. Not to mention the junior college point-1 miles from my home who offers cardio and resistance classes for $30 fpr four months.

I have literally been lost and directionless for almost two years, until I watched this show today.

When Oprah talked about what happened to her when she was diagnosed with the thyroid condition, and when Bob talked about how the light in her eyes had gone, how she had somehow checked out of her own self...each one of those things made me "itch" inside. Something smelled or seemed familiar to me, but I didn't know what. and then it hit me when Carnie Wilson was speaking and Oprah said "It's a love thing."

I understood what she was saying, but it didn't quite hit the mark for me. Yes, it IS a love thing, to schedule yourself. But that's not ALL it is. It is exactly what she had said before in her interview.

When she was diagnosed with the thyroid condition, she was truly and utterly DEFEATED. Fat had won. "Ok, I give up." I felt EXACTLY that same way, but didn't realize it until all of those things fell in place for me tonight while I watched my TIVO'd Oprah. I seriously could almost cry because I'm so grateful to FINALLY have given it a name.

I'm still a happy person. I still want a loving relationship with a man. But I could NOT for the life of me figure out what to do about my body and my weight, my life, a job, a home, and I couldn't figure out WHY.

NOW, I understand. NOW, I get it. To know that I couldn't afford the surgery, probably would never be able to get the surgery, made me feel like, "what's the point? why bother? Your skin looks like an elephant who hasn't gotten enough sleep on your best day. No man would ever want you, much less love you, looking like this. Go back to being fat.....extra large fries equals fast-food botox."

What am I going to do about it? I have no idea! I am just SO excited to know that at 1am, today, I had my first A-ha! moment in a looooooong looooooong time. And that it was about a subject so important to me, I'm just so thrilled, so happy, so thankful.

THANK YOU OPRAH, and THANK YOU BOB GREENE.

All my love for blessing my mind today.