nfaith777:

Well, I'm not an OW so I cannot give her persepctive. But I will tell you what I have learned from my experience (being the betrayed spouse). First off many women cannot be trusted. Unfortunately they are gossipy, caddy, and will stab you in the back. I have learned that through my 45 years of being on this earth. And I have seen it with my daughters as well. I first noticed it when they were in grade 3, how mean the girls can be to one another. At that point I thought to myself, "gee, this is not unlike grown women only adults are more careful and calculating!". Of course there are those women who are amazing, and basically helped me survive the worst time of my life. But that is my perspective on women. Secondly I have heard that women like married men because of what they appear to stand for (family, marriage etc................) . Though I have to admit it sounds a bit crazy to think these men actually stand for that considering what they are up to. I guess the single ones are more used to their single life and are blatant about it? I believe married men (many) are an easy prey. I'm sorry to say that. But looking around at life and on these boards I guess it should be obvious. They get bored with their relationship, are busy working, paying bills etc and are eaily impressed by those who give them attention. I suppose you could say they are somewhat needy unless they have a strong sense of confidence. I also believe many women are just plain stupid. I'm sorry, I have done a lot of dulmb things myself. We trade off our values and boundaries for hopes of "winning " a man. Just look at these boards filled with "is he into me", and all the other topics of problems women are facing (and putting up with ) with men. Women sacrifice themselves and give too much. Funny I don't see a lot of single men dating married women. Men seem to be smarter than that. But so many single women will get strung along for a married man. It seems to be the same old story over and over again. Anyway, just my experience.

My perspective is this-cheating whether you are the one in the relationship or the other person in the triangle, cheating is all about a low self esteem. The OW has a low self esteem so she looks to attention from men to build up her self confidence what a better way to get attention from men then make a pass at them. The person cheating has a low self esteem cause the first person outside of their marriage that makes an advance at them, they jump at the opportunity, not comprehending the magnatude of pain they are about to inflict on their unknowing spouse. The OW in my situation was originally married and overweight. She lost her weight then got some attention from other men and then had an affair on her husband. The man she had an affair with decided, after she ended her marriage, that he didn't want her anymore. She then tried to reconcile with her H, and he didn't want her anymore. Her esteem must have been destroyed at that point so she then set her sights on my H. At the time my H was feeling neglected as my focus was on our two children 5 and 2 and a job that stressed me out too the max. She started talking to him and giving him "advice" on his marriage. (She is 4 years older so I guess she thought she had some sort of knowledge to share-LOL). She made an advance, my H was flattered, his ego was boosted and voila you have a recipe for an A. (I also believe my H has esteem issues that date back to his childhood, he was the middle of 5 children, always the child that got into trouble, so he got nothing but negative attention from his parents),

The bottom line is if you truly love yourself, you will more likely than not, be true to your spouse because you don't need to look to others for validation of your self worth.

Just my opinion.

Because they have low moral values,and because of low self-esteem. A woman with high self-esteem will not want to settle for playing second fiddle in a married mans life. But then again if your H is the one pursuing her then maybe she looks at this like "he wouldn't be pursuing me if he was happy in his marriage" I think most OW bank on the fact that most married men won't turn down an offer of new sex, especially if they've been married a long time. And of course most men don't stop to think of the hurt and long time devastation having a fling will have on his family because all their thinking of at the time is immediate gratification. Of course it would be nice if there was a sisterhood among women where if you know a guy is married you leave him alone. To me it's just common sense that if you know someone is married that you stay away period. So I would say it's a combination of low morals, low self esteem and selfishness.

peaceyma:

Hi, well another interesting topic. I believe all of the answers are listed above. But Peace I have to add with this sisterhood you mentioned with women would not only leave married men alone, but possibly kick them in the butt if the MM made a pass at them! I've had MM come on to me and well, lets just say they were barking up the wrong tree. They got a little more than they bargained for! Also I wish men would stand up for their morals and values too. Out of the men who knew about my H some were married and weren't "into" fooling around behind their wives backs. Trust me, I understand why some of the men didn't cast judgement (birds of a feather flock together) but I have to say I was surprised that those who were faithful to their wives said NOTHING to my H or other men who fooled around. I was told these men don't want to "get involved". Funny they do get involved with they see their friends potentially drinking and driving, but not in this instance. If I died of aids one day I wonder if they will have any guilt over not speaking out. I guess not. Society no longer wants to "get involved" or "pick sides". Hmmmm, interesting.

I agree with everything all of you have said and I want to add something that hasn't been brought up yet.

My story for those of you who don't know it...(My husband had an affair that started in our 19th year together, it lasted over a period of 11 months though he only saw her once a month or so when he went into the city for business, he ended the affair with this single woman months before I found out, though I was suspicious for months and he always denied having an affair or girlfriend and always told me I had nothing to worry about, I found out from pictures of her "you know what" on our computer that he had deleted and was so surprised that they popped up for me one night last July, he is the computer whiz ,not me....but I had been asking Spirit for help because I was feeling his distance from me and I must have known on some level that something wasn't right, it's funny that when I prayed for help a few nights before I saw those ugly pics, I never expected such a wham! to appear, H and I are in our late 50s, she is late 40s, I don't know her, thankfully....he has been a good stepfather to our two grown daughters, life was hellish and has completely changed from the moment he confessed to me, immediately saying that she didn't mean anything to him and that he loved me, our marriage has transformed and is wonderful in all aspects now, not easy, but wonderful and mostly healed)

All of your insights are right on and true but something that hasn't been said yet is that in our western culture, maybe other places too, women compete with each other...we love to tear each other apart....some of us who see the oneness of all beings have learned NOT to do this but still too many do. It is a shame that we don't support one another as women...we could have a very beautiful world if we did...and one day we will but it will take one heart at a time. In the meantime, there are lots of women who gain some kind of perceived power from taking a man "away" from another woman....I agree that it is from a place of "lack" that woman must do this for if they really knew what they were doing to themselves they would run away.....it is amazing to read other websites from the other woman's point of view...they actually think the married man is in love with them and that the wife is a horrible , unappealing, nag...I am glad that I have come to the place, finally, where I can laugh about this for in my situation, my husband who was a jerk for doing what he did-he admits that now, always loved me and never would have left me for her.......

but back to her....she knew that all she would get was some exciting, I guess, sex and I guess that was enough to satisfy her although she wasn't happy when he left her place after the sex was over...and he came back home to me...but I guess that since she thought she was "better" than me that this was why she was so willing to give herself away for nothing much really......I mean I have had sex with my husband many, many, many times and though it has gotten pretty enjoyable again since we have transformed our marriage, the best parts of our marriage are the closeness in all other ways including the sleeping together (and the sex) and the feel-good tenderness with nothing negative attached to it (all that negativity had to be present with his forays of sex with her, right?...the guilt, the 2nd guessing, the remorse, the "what am I doing? moments.....I mean he didn't think enough of her to end our marriage or even give her 1/10,000th of what he gives me everyday, even the blah kind of boring days)...so yes, there are women out there who are destructive in nature though some may not consciously know this about themselves yet...and who really knows where these women are coming from? They have something to learn for sure and hopefully some of them do.....that's another thing you read about on other websites about affairs...they all turn against the man when they don't get what they want, "he is selfish, he takes advantage of me, he uses me."..HA! Duh, have some self respect, women!

It has been a wild ride for sure to experience my husbands infidelity but I have gotten through the worst of it and I am a much wiser woman becuase of it and our marriage is a much better one now and my husband is a much wiser and loving man.....that is where we can be if we are willing to do the hard work....Life has many lessons for each of us, we are here to learn how to live in this paradise of an earth we live on....all the ugliness will come out as we change and give each other and all beings, including our big mama earth, the love we know how to give......okay I'm stepping off my soapbox now...love to each of you who are in this trying time with your loved ones...

Well from what I've seen there is more of a brotherhood among men not to rat out a buddy to his wife.

nfatih777

Six years ago, my husband had an six month affair with his co-worker, who was also a married woman with children. She told him at the time of the affair that he was the only man she had ever had an affair with outside of her marriage. Apparantly she told my husband many lies over that the period of their six month affair but my husband believed his 'damsel in distress' (OW). She also befriended me both during and after their affair ended. I thought she was a 'nice' person. to In Oct 2008, OW's husband of six years phoned me to inform me his wife had admitted to haveing had seven affairs, all with married men . My husband was one of these seven men. All of the married men had children and OW knew the wives of most of the married men. Why did she choose to have affairs with married men?. Because if she could get a married man to forsake the number 1. woman in his life, this being his wife, for her the OW, then this proves to OW that she is wanted and needed. Her self-esteem and self-worth is no doubt very low. Whilst I was on the phone to OW's husband, I heard her husband ask her 'Why did you do it?' to which OW replied 'because I just wanted to feel good'. I think that sums it up perfectly. OW didn't care who she hurt in the process of her calculated and predatory behaviour......she just wanted to derive self-gratification from her actions. My husband's psycholgist suggested OW may have Borderline Personality Disorder. My friend's sister has this disorder. She too is married, plays 'damsel in distress' story perfectly and has numerous sexual encounters with married men. The similarities both women are remarkable.

I'm sure that I am not going ot be the most liked person after saying this but I am going to because it is important.

I had an affair with a married man, many years ago. He was someone I had know, he was/is married. He loved his wife and did not have any issues other than the lack of sex. Since the only thing I was missing in my life at that time was sex. We started. I did not want to hear any stories or see pictures of the kids. It was not about that at all. There was no risk of me trying to steal him or telling his wife, etc.

There are 2 types of women who like married men. The ones who just need sex and know that even though we can't make the schedule, it's a pretty simple and easy 'transaction'. Then there are the ones who want to 'win' and lure guys away from their wives just to boost their egos..

Your husbands mistrss sounds like the second kind.

I truly understand your anger and you have every right to feel the way you do. I want to briefly share my story with you since you are a married woman and I have not been married before.

I am with this guy who is married, but has been separated from his wife for 7 mos now. I do feel a little strange about the situation, but he has been honest with me from the start. He told me his wife cheated on him with another guy and that they had irreconcilable differences (argued a lot). One day, he was sitting in my car and she pulled up to drop their child off and she did not say anything to me, just pulled off. That led me to believe that he was telling me the truth because if he wasn't she would have said something to me. Afterwards, I began to see her more often dropping her child off.

He have his own apartment and I spend almost every weekend with him. He is in the process of getting a divorce so I really don't feel like I'm hurting the situation if they are already broken up. I would like to know what you think about this???

I don't think you should have started dating the guy until his divorce was finalized. Many women do this and then the MM changes his mind and decides to give the marriage another chance (sometimes if only to keep the family unit intact for the kids sake) Since he is now in the process of getting a divorce, you are probably not hurting the situation at this point though.

I really feel like if a man is separated from his wife and they are getting a divorce I feel like even that another woman should not interfere until the divorce is final because it is still ADULTERY because he is still leagally married to his wife. It really doesnt matter how bad his wife may have been but she will have to answer one day for her indiscretions. me personally, I wouldnt date a man unless the divorce was final. Infidelity is destroying so many familes and people really take for granted how 5 minutes of pleasure can destroy the unknowlingly spouse, their children if there any, their home their marriage EVERYTHING. My H infidelity turned my world upside down and it is hard to come back from this. My advice is when you are involved with someone that you know is not single, dont just think about your self and your needs and fulfillment think about the innocent people involved that it will affect also. just a thought

You are right though that it still is adultery until the divorce is finalized. I didn't mean to imply that it wasn't.

nfaith & peaceyma,

Thanks for your response. I do feel ashamed about the situation and I should not have gotten involved with him in the first place. My intentions was to meet a single man but he came along at a time when I was feeling so alone. I am going to straigthen things out tho because like nfaith said, it is still ADULTERY and I wouldn't want anyone to do it to me.

Thank you.

kmoff1970

Thank you for your honesty. I really appreciate posts from anyone willing to share their experiences of being the cheating partner. It helps me to understand where my husband was coming from. I totally agree with your concept of 'two types of women who cheat'. This is going to sound strange but I believe I am far less forgiving of my husband's OW because she was the calculating 'predatory' type. Whilst you mention you that you did not want to "hear any stories or see pictures of the kids" (of the married man you cheated with), my husband's OW not only heard the family stories but actually befriended the wives of these men both during and after the affairs with their husbands. She attended my children's birthday parties and I introduced her to my friends and relatives. I assisted her with obtaining a managerial position by supporting her with resume writing. I visited her in hospital when she was ill. I listened to her problems. Can you imagine?

Huntbon23:

The OW in your case definately had "issues". I have two very good friends who went through something similar to you. In both cases the families were broken up. The men left for these women. In one case they married and had a child together. I hear they are not happy either. Apparently the grass is not greener! In the second case the couple is on again off again "together". They do not cohabitate although both families broke up. Apart from the obvious deception (to their spouses as well as acting as a friend to the betrayed spouse while sleeping with their husband! Talk about double detrayal!!) they continued to reside in the same town and attempted to get together with the same friends. It really makes it difficult for everyone, friends and all. I think these people are no less than sociopaths who don't have remorse and think they can carry on with their old lives with friends etc. I never got that part of it. It would have been so much easier to move out of town and start fresh where neighbours don't know all the details! Anyway just a little sideline to your topic!