Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family

Posted on Oct 3, 2008 11:39 AM

A community was shaken when a killer went on a violent rampage. Hours after his wife and youngest son were shot dead, Kent Whitaker vowed to forgive the killer. At the time, he didn't realize that the killer was his first-born son. On today's show, he shares the heart-wrenching story of how he learned that his son was the mastermind behind the murder of his entire family and how he found the courage to forgive. Then, Lisa Ling visits death row for an exclusive interview with the son that killed his family. Plus, neighbors talk about signs of trouble and suspicious behavior that went undetected. What clues did they miss? Find out how a young man went from promising college student to death row inmate.
Replies: 261
211. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 2, 2009 8:17 PM   |   In response to: harpobear

I watched the show and was was so upset by what had happened to this family. In an instant everyone's lives were changed. I felt this father, husband has been through hell and back only to now see his son die of lethal injection. How does the human spirit get through this horendous ordeal and still come out sane and able to forgive\? I was touched by the father's love, faith and forgiveness under these circumstances. Does anyone know if the courts in this case took into account that the son (even though guilty of these murders) is the only family member this man has left? Don't you think justice would be better served if the son had life in prison rather than the death penalty? The fact that this man is able to forgive don't you think society woud be better served with life in prison as well. Did the father have anything to say about the punishment (because I'm sure he would rather have his only son alive rather than go through this next horrific ordeal of seeing your son put to death)? How are we a just society to do this with all this man has already suffered.This is a very deranged young man that needs to have the rest of his life to ponder the terrible thing he has done.

212. Re: the apple hasn't fallen too far from the tree
Feb 2, 2009 8:55 PM   |   In response to: daisymay4

I get the same feeling..

213. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 2, 2009 9:31 PM   |   In response to: harpobear

How do I begin on a subject that i s about good and bad. I am a person who believes everything serves a purpose no matter whether it is appears to be good or bad.I am speaking about this particular program and what it may be showing in thebigger picture. Let us say that this earth is a school where we all learn lesson to grow and in which to understand. My feelings around this story relate to the aspect of what the young son had to teach the father. How do you learn forgiveness. From my understanding it is always through a traumatic event. In such an event there is always a good and a bad reality and yet if this father had to learn the reality of forgiveness as he needed to how could such a lesson be expressed? From what I have learned and understand it takes one thing to help us see another. What if this father's lesson was to forgive and the only way in which he could do so was in this manner. We have so many ways in which we are to learn and grow from and what I am seeing is how much everyone sees and honors the father in being able to forgive. But had his son not done what he did would he have realised this most important lesson? What I am trying to get at here is not that he is right and he is wrong but rather we all work together in order to teach each other deep lessons. I found this program so hard to watch because everyone was so one sided. The bad always gets the worst of it and the good side is always applauded but without the bad there is never a good outcome. We need to learn how to be able to help those that take on the roles of the bad people. The negative side is so avoided in our society and yet if it was not there how would we learn the difference or how would we learn how to choose. There is more to this story than meets the eye and I believe that this was played out to teach forgiveness and yet to forgive you require an act to forgive. This young man acted out and created a reality were forgiveness had an opportunity to be manifested. I am not condoning negative acts all I am saying is that in order for this to happen and for forgiveness to occur was through the actions of this young man. Now he will be put to death and his father will be revered for his ability to forgive which only came about from the act of the son. Doesn't this make you wonder why or how the creator works or what we are to really learn. What if this young man's purpose was to teach forgiveness, to spread the lesson of forgiveness. Have anyone really looked at what brings about forgiveness. It is always some horrible circumstance which makes someone move beyond hate and into forgiveness. Have you ever wondered how that comes about. How individuals are involved and how they might agree to this lesson. This is not our only life and learning and from what I have experienced is that we are continuing to grow and learn and we do this through all of our experiences and that everything we go through serves to teach us deeper lessons and understandings of ourselves. This show has a deeper meaning and from watching it I feel that what was and is really going on was not completely served. There is more to this story than meets the eye and I pray it will be foung and understood. Peace to everyone

214. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 2, 2009 10:28 PM   |   In response to: harpobear

I couldn't believe what I was hearing from Kent Whitaker, a parent, who said he was close to his son. If he really knew his son, he would have had father- to-son talks his whole life, questioning his habits, happiness, sadness, and "what really makes him tick". How could a parent not know his child was not in college? He never was interested enough to call the college to request his grades or tuition bill!!! He must have been on anti-depressants since he talked calmly about the scene of the crime without emotion. Oprah, you were just as astonished as I was at the answers he gave you with excerpts from the book questioning his interest in his child. It was a heinous crime, but probably could have been avoided if he wasn't in denial about his son during the formative years.

215. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 3, 2009 5:21 AM   |   In response to: harpobear

Who can claim to know for sure what is driving the actions of another human being? There is a reason we are admonished not to judge one another. However, regardless of the reason someone turns violent, if our gut is telling us we are in danger, we must listen to it!



Sometimes there is a high price to be paid for leaving a violent person. Some women, for example, have to give up everything and relocate. Sometimes, it means cutting off a child that is past the age of responsibility (which I believe is 18). Whatever it is, love does not mean allowing someone to kill you. Not only are you giving up the gift of life for yourself, you are actually providing your loved one the opportunity to destroy his/her own life. Even if a loved one needs to destroy him/herself, he does not need to do it with your help or permission. Where is the love in that? Leaving someone does not mean you do not love him/her. It may even set boundaries for someone who is tortured by lack of control.

If someone does kill someone you love, allowing your life to be destroyed as well only compounds the crime. Again, you are giving up the gift of your own life. Forgiveness honors a life of faith. Love. Cherish the gift of life.

216. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 3, 2009 5:21 AM   |   In response to: g2gpeace4a

"...why would you try to imply blame on the father's part?"

Because the father is largely to blame. He is the young man's FATHER, and all that that implies. In fact, it is not at all "obvious" that Bart is a sociopath, however, even if he were, sociopaths are CREATED, they are not born with those defects. A true sociopath is recognizable far before such a tragic event as murder. They have NO conscience 24/7, 365 days/year.

Again, the parents came first. Don't be so quick to judge this situation.

217. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 3, 2009 5:21 AM   |   In response to: beauty1968

"Because at age 19 he kept saying I think I might need my medication back and I told him to tell his doctor and I don't think he ever did."

Brenda, your son need to be evaluated by a Physician ASAP. He also needs to be checked for substance abuse. There are many explanations possible, the most unusual of which is a diagnosis of anti-social personality disorder, or sociopathology.

218. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 3, 2009 5:21 AM   |   In response to: m1m2m3

4 days ago I finished reading this amazing book. I tried to tell a friend of mine that I was reading this truly awesome book but she thought I was crazy. Then I saw a commercial of that this man coming on your show - I was totally blown away. Could it be the same person? I don't have any kids but have lost someone I love deeply. My husband left me nine years ago, it wasn't suppose to be that way. Forgiveness is something I have been fighting with every day . It wasn't until then that I accepted God into my life. I learned by reading His word that we can't control others. It's difficult to stop asking why. By sharing his pain Kent has strengthened me and has touched many others who need to feel the power of forgiveness. We need to accept what He has planned for us. He is a true disciple of God. I will continue to pray for him and his family. Thank you for letting him share his story.

219. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 3, 2009 7:14 AM   |   In response to: harpobear

I just saw this show in re-run.

To me, the theme of forgiveness wasn't the whole story.

Was the psychiatrist saying that people turn into sociopaths FOR NO REASON? That people are born being incapable of loving or receiving love? That, to me, is saying that nothing happened with the parenting that affected this child growing up that contributed to his resulting behavior. Is parenting not the main factor that forms character and behavior?

220. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 3, 2009 8:39 AM   |   In response to: harpobear

I am a patient of Dr Keith Ablow, Author of "Inside the Mind of Scott Petterson" In this book Dr Ablow does a great job of uncovering exactly how Scott became that kind of sociopath. The Dr on the show said "You are not born a sociopath."

I have many issues in my personal life that relate to this story. I am less than a month away from my daughters murder trial in which I have to testify. Her boyfiend called me and left a message on my cell phone the night he stabbed her to death saying he was sorry for what he had done. I know from experience it is best to choose to forgive. It makes it a bit more difficult to forgive when the boyfriend has changed his story ans is no longer sorry but actually claims she did this to herself, " Because you know how suicidal she always was." He actually told me this.

Believe it or not I do not hate him. I knew I had to not go there to that awful place that I've been before when, my brother was shot at point blank range between the eyes. The pain you can't avoid but the thoughts of wrath you can.

221. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 3, 2009 9:36 AM   |   In response to: bdsb15

I also just want to add that I read below that someone said that they thought Oprah was condescending and showed a superior attitude towards the father. I think she was skeptical of the story, without trying to blame him. But I am skeptical too that they were perfect parents whose home just happened to produce a sociopath.

I felt skepticism last week watching the interview with Ted Haggard. Even though he is attracted to men, he just cannot say that means homosexuality. I think Oprah was just trying to get an honest answer, but he already had his story too down pat. If something is outside of our belief system, denial is an automatic response and we will frame it so we can keep our acceptable self-image.

If there was any childhood abuse that contributed to how the son (in yesterday's show) turned out, his father was too invested in his family's image of a perfect Christian family to ever admit that there was anything wrong with whatever they did, if they did.

222. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 3, 2009 10:26 AM   |   In response to: duke7737

Duke7737:

Because she doesn't believe him.

223. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 3, 2009 10:49 AM   |   In response to: harpobear

I have to point out something Bart said in prison that told me 100% he does not feel remorse for his actions. When Lisa Ling asked about the day he will be executed. Burt said something to the fact that he doesn't want anyone there because it would be to painful. Now I know this sounds logical, but look harder and you will hear the sociopath true narcissism- Too PAINFUL for his own death but not for his mother and brother. He only shows remorse for his upcoming death not the victims!

I know first hand what it is like to have the same blood as a sociopath-my father is a serial killer. I have heard it all and take heart those who are scared about not knowing who is a sociopath-there are clear warning signs. Kurt is still in the process of sorting out all the damage and soon he will see it clearly. Here are some tips I have found in my life living with a killer-

1. They never blame themselves for anything-they play the victim and you will find yourself feeling pity for them on a regular bases.

2. trust your instincts-I never trusted my father and I have a million stories on how my feelings did not seem logical but they protected me. Looks like the mother in this case was starting to think with her instincts.

3.They do not know how to show emotion so be watchful they will copy, mimic your feelings. They look for clues from us to see what is the "right" answer since they only feel primitive feelings.In Lisa's interview Bart wanted us to feel pity for him so he played the sad soul who had too high expectations placed on him, never expressing sorrow for his brother and mothers death. You can get wrapped up with his down demenor display and mistake it for feelings.

As far as Oprah being hard on Kurt, I believe absolutely not!! Kurt was a hard person to interview because his clarity is out of focus from the still fresh trauma. Kurt still had not come to terms with who his son really is because he had been deceived all those years. And it is going to take time to wrap his head around the identity of his son.

224. Re: the apple hasn't fallen too far from the tree
Feb 3, 2009 10:52 AM   |   In response to: daisymay4

I did hear him say that he could see himself in his son at the same age. I think you are exactly right. For him to be able to go back to that house where his wife and son had been murdered within a few days and to share it with the person who did the killing - that to me is a good example of someone who has no feelings.

225. Re: Forgiving the Son Who Killed My Family
Feb 3, 2009 10:56 AM   |   In response to: chan61

I wanted to hear more about how this family could be the loving, close family the the father claimed and not know more about all these things that were taking place in their son's life.

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