Men don't cheat alone. It's easy to cheat when there's a willing partner. I know, I was a willing partner. I have destroyed my life and my two year old daughter's life and apparently, although they are divorced, they are still living together and getting along just fine. I am so confused. This decision to have a child together was conscious and deliberate. I was told by both of them that there was no relationship between them and somehow I managed to justify my affair using this as an excuse. He didn't want me out there on my own and I got pregnant and now I have this wonderful child who's father is very much involved in her life, but is offering me nothing. I ahve no idea where my future is going and I don't know how to get out of it and I'm not sure how to explain any of this to my daughter. I know I deserve everything that is coming to me and I am sorry about all of it, but I still have a child that deserves a strong, solid family. I know what I have to do. I just don't know how to do it. Anyone out there contemplating an affair should really contemplate NOT having an affair and run like hell. Nobody benefits from this.

Nobody benefits and someone ALWAYS gets hurt. I am really sorry you had to learn this the hard way and even more sorry for your little girl. If we women would just stick together and run the other way when we find out a guy that is persuing us is married, we would have so much less pain in the world. At least consider the children that get hurt when marriages break up. I don't care what the man tells you about how bad his marriage is, UNTIL you see the divorce papers turn around and run the other way.

Thank you for your kind words. I decided to write about this and it was a very hard decision for me to make. Naturally, I am concerned about the many people out there who will condemn me for this. I, however, feel it is important for people to know how terrible this all is. There is nothing fun or exciting about what our two families are going through. I am not proud of any of this. I was a very stupid, selfish person. Since having my daughter, I have been forced to grow up immediately. I now see what I've done. I am very thankful to God for my daughter. She is the greatest person who has ever walked into my life. It is still hard. I cannot for the life of me understand why any person with children would even consider stepping out on their family. It's not just the spouse you are cheating on. It is the entire family. Whether or not you believe you can get away with it, is not the point. You are still taking a very big chance that you might destroy your family and if you love your children, with all your power you should walk away from an affair. If your marriage is that bad, consider counseling. If that doesn't work, leave. But leave first before you begin a relationship with someone else. There is no winner here. Only fools and losers.

Your welcome. Hopefully someone contemplating an affair with a MM will read your story and learn from it. You can't go back and change what happened but you can learn from it and try to steer others away from making the same mistake you've made. People in affairs only tend to think of the NOW and are addicted to the high they are getting from it. It's sad when people don't think ahead to the consequences when all is revealed. And it always does come out eventually.

I'm 38 years old turning 39 this March. After being married for 17 months my husband and I are filing for divorce. I have asked him so many times for a divorce for so many unfulfilled promises and cheating behind my back. But he kept saying he wanted to work it out.

Last October he found a new job in SLO,CA. I stayed here in the East Bay for I just started a new job and we were talking of me moving in back with him in 6 months. He met a women on this site and started to correspond with her. He would tell me things what was hapening and he firmly stated that they were just "friends".

In November we took a vacation together, for 4 days I stayed with him in the resort where he had made his reservations, just like he said he don't want to push for the divorce and want to work it out ( we have already filled out the papers before the trip). I went back to my mom's place and we emailed each other and pointed out he was so happy that I gave our marriage another try. But I knew when we get back to the US we'll be back in reality.

Sure enough after a week of going back to CA, he pursued the girl after I confornted him over the phone that he has to let this girl know about US, whether he has to tell her and we keep the marriage OR if he choose not to the marriage is over, guess what... he chose not to tell her.

Now they are planning to get married.

Though it hurts and I was in an emoional coaster ride, I kept telling myself...I'm glad I'm out of the relationship with an abusive, manipulating, selfish husband.

So last October he met a another woman..here at Oprah.com...and now he is going to marry her....even though he has been married to you for 17 months?

If I were you...I would be very thankful...to be getting far....far away from this person....he is not a man....

Pices:

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Like the previous poster said just be glad you are rid of him. Get yourself together (carrer, health wise) and go forward with your life. It will be difficult, you have many decisions to make. But you have your whole life ahead of you.

I will pray for strength for you to get through each day and to make the right choices.

I believe that men are genetically programed to have sex with many different people, yet this urge is usually over ridden once a man falls in love. I think it works for both gay and straight men. As a gay man, the one thing that seemed to be the greatest killer of love and trust was jealousy. I think jealousy is basically an insecurity about yourself and thinking someone better might come along and take your mate from you. I think the emotion of jealously should be a subject that a couple should talk about with each other openly at great length and each should work to overcome. I also think it is natural for men gay or straight to watch porn and masterbate. I know lots of women who think porn is cheating, but I really do not believe it is, unless he is avoiding you sexually altogether. If women do not understand why men like porn, I would advice them to talk to a woman going through a sex change and taking testosterone and they could explain it much better than I could.

I also believe that cheating is going to eventually happen if a couple is unequally yoked. I am not a Christian, but it is a wise concept. In order to stay a couple for the long term you must have similar goals in life. For example, if one person wants children and the other one does not, then that couple should never have gotten married. If one person is gay and the other is not, then that marriage is doomed to fail. If one person is deeply religious or has a completely different political view, then most likely that marriage is doomed to fail. If one person likes certain sexual fetishes or certain sexual likes and the other person does not, that relationship may have problems down the line. Sometimes compromises can be worked out, but if not a person might seek that part of sex elsewhere. Two people should never get married if they are unequally yolked, and don't ever believe that a person will change once you get married.

I also believe that the longer a couple is together and shares happy memories together, the stronger the love can become. Sexual attraction to each other might fade with time, but love can make you see past the physical changes that are bound to happen. People can also grow apart and love can fade away through neglect. Happy memories can be replaced with not so pleasant ones and what was once love can start to feel like an obligation and a debt. Cheating is bound to happen the longer a couple are together, and once or if it happens, the person who cheats should be able to feel safe enough to tell the other person that they had cheated and the person being cheated on will feel hurt, but should be able to listen and forgive if they want the marriage to last. That sort of pact should be made between two people who love each other.

I knew my husband was cheating when he started acting differently. He started calling me names like fatso, lazy, and worthless. He never talked about how much money he was making. The big kicker was when I went to Spain with him on a business trip. On our last day there we decided to have dinner at a five star restaurant. Well, when we got there he made eye contact with a waitress like he wanted to have her. I was so hurt and couldn't believe that my husband could act like this. He just blew it off and said why would he go after a waitress. On this trip all of his business associates were talking to me except for one of them a female. She never said anything to me the whole time. So one day on this trip I found out that his supervisor was into porm. I coulnd't beleive it. He lied again. He has't stopped there. I've always supported him with his job and I get this. ARE YOU KIDDING! I don't trust him and I hardly care anymore. He says he is a Christian however that is not how a Christian man should be behave.

When your husband starts calling you names, lying, and treating you badly, cheating is the least of your problems. This is abuse and no one should be treated like this.

My sister's husband cheated because he always believed he deserved better. No matter what it was in his life, he deserved better.

I have been married for 28 years and have 2 sons. My husband has never been aggressive bout wanting or needing sex from me although I am still attractive and in good shape. I am sexually willing, able and adventurous. He is a plain vanilla lover. We have sex maybe 5-7 times a year. About a year and a half ago I found out that he has been seeing whores and hookers for most of our marriage. Because of his sexual disinterest and repression with me I was shocked to discover that it was not that he didn't want it anymore...he just doesn't want it with me. In reading so many letters from women who were stumped as to why their husbands weren't into sex anymore I felt I should share my story. When I told a divorce attorney years ago that my husband had little to no interest in sex with me he asked if maybe he was getting a little on the side. I said "absolutely not!" My husband always seemed like a real family man if not a sexual man. I could not imagine that he would be paying $200 a session with hookers when he could have had it for free at home. He also had unprotected sex with some of these women and gave me chlamydia and PID which caused me to be hospitalized for 12 days and made me sterile. Even then when we were both asked over and over by doctors (as I lay there hemmoraging) if we had had sex outside the marriage, he lied to me and to at least 6 doctors thus delaying my treatment and causing my sterility. I believed him. I am not a stupid woman--just a trusting one. I am also not jealous and have never thought to snoop. Now after being back together for the last year he is still not interested in having a sex life with me. I am almost sure that he is no longer seeing hookers and he attends Sexual Recovery Anonymous meetings weekly but our sex life is worse than ever. I think he is very resentful that this part of his life was taken away from him and I am the big bad wife. He vilifies me in every way possible and will do and say anything to make sure he can blame our sexless marriage on me. So for all you women out there who think that he just doesn't want sex anymore--it may just well be that he has INTIMACY issues and prefers his sex without intimacy and committment. Start checking his computer, make sure you have passwords to everything and that there are NO SECRETS. Check his pants pockets at night when he is sleeping. Listen to his cell phone voice mail. I guarantee that alot of women who wrote about their husbands lack of desire will find that he is just desiring someone else.

I have watched this show and I can understand how men may feel undervalued and unappreciated, however, that is the time for men to sit down and COMMUNICATE with their wife and let her know how they are feeling. One has to ask, where does honesty, integrity, trust come into play? Does feeling unappreciated give someone the right to lie, deceive, betray and abandon? I do not think so. In fact, I dare say that there is a shift from feeling unappreciated to thinking and behaving as though one was morally bankrupt. This is demonstrated by the systematic planning and intentional lies and deceit. I think Mr. Neuman did not go far enough with his study. Were men really cheating because they felt emotionally disconnected or were they selfish in thier attitude and behaviour? Where is the commitment? Is this a morally and ethically right way to behave in a marital relationship? Are they being good role models for their children? Are they being good husbands to their wives? Or is it really all about them. When men stop thinking in term of "me" and begin thinking in terms of "we", there may be a better chance that the vows taken may be honoured and the principle of commitment may guide them and keep them connected to their wife and family. They have to be committed to their relationship and to their family. This is a very cruel and selfish act.

Cheer up Kittie ! This is a subject as old as the hills - Women also need to feel wanted,appreciated at home etc ( Mr Neuman ) But not all women jump into bed with another man. Some men are born hunters! you cant change the nature of some of them - most important

Kittie LOVE YOURSELF MORE ! men or women who cheat dont love each other enough !! it cuts both ways - So let go people because

LIFE LOVES YOU ALL ! people let you down- life gives you a second chance !

i know the hurt-i knew my husband for 23 years married 17 he started woking on a couple house then all od sudden he was chaning right in front of my eyes-he wouldn/t come home till 2 3 4 5 in the moring one days i asked her whay was my husband always at here house and never have a red cent-she would always say hes working on the house next thing i kniow he's moving out living from hoetl to hotel with her then moved into her house anfter the her husband left to be with another women so i know the pain you are going thru-i know what it feels like til this day my whole family and friend say drugs are involed and she gave him something and i guess hes hooked so how do you let 23 years with ome person go-you have to in june it will be one year that we have been separted and its getting easy but i still have those days and you will to but you have to look to your family-and friend to help get you thru because i'm a firm beliver in what goes aroung come around so all cheater will get theres in the end