morelife, I understand your feelings about those who make genuinely false reports of rape. The concern I have about focusing on those people is that they are used unfairly as the cause of real rape victims being treated like they are liars.

This distracts from all those who choose to assume that most of those who report rape are treated as if they are guilty until proven innocent simply because they don't want to acknowledge most rapes. It distracts from all those who say it isn't real rape unless the rapist uses a weapon or puts the rape victim in the hospital due to her physical injuries. It distracts from all those who say certain rapists shouldn't be prosecuted for rape because their victims asked for it or that certain rape victims aren't harmed by rape. It distracts from those who say that if there are no neutral witnesses to rape that there can be no conviction on the charge of rape. It distracts from those who dismiss marital rape as a misunderstanding or a petty relationship problem.

It distracts from unethical investigators who are intent on doing whatever is necessary to get a woman who reported rape to recant so he doesn't have to waste time or money doing a real investigation. It distracts from judges who decide that rape at gunpoint isn't rape at all because the victim is a prostitute. It distracts from defense attorneys who use character assassination rather than evidence (or lack thereof) to fight the charges against their clients.

My belief is that focusing on the genuine false reporters of rape, out of proportion to the false reporters of any other crime, can keep us from realizing that we can focus on systematic problems that are within our collective power to change.

Thank you oakdragon. it is not easy to tell people what happened to you. When this happens to you, you keep quiet and cover it up. It isn't untill you figure out you need help that you tell someone. Then you have to live it over and over, it does not go away. You watch a show like this and hope it prevents this from happening to other women. I have friends now from back then who support me and tell me how strong A woman I am for getting out. And shows like this help us feel we were not the only stupid people to get into this yuck. So it really helps. You sound like a really compassionate person, and I thank you for understanding and supporting those of us who were abused both sexually and physically as well as emotionally. I hope someday to be able to put this yuck behind me. Maybe shows like this will also help the abusers to stop and think about what they are doing. Thank you all for listening

When you see this show, I think you will be sorry that you posted this. What this woman went through is horrible. Just because we are married, does not mean we have to "give it up" whenever our husband wants to have sex. This woman was treated worse than an animal & that is why her ex-husband is currently in jail. He did not get enough time. You need to look up the word love in the dictionary because when you love someone you do not hurt them. If I did not want to have sex one night and my husband sought it elsewhere, he truly did not love me in the first place.

When my aunt was separated from her husband because he was cheating on her with another woman, he raped her. He held her down & sodomized her while saying all the while that his new girlfriend let's him do that. If that's not rape, tell me what is! I feel for you. I can't believe how many WOMEN in this forum could be so ignorant on this subject. Good for you for leaving him. I am so sorry that he still tries to control you with your kids. There is a God in heaven who knows what happened and you know you are a good person. He'll get his - whether it's here on this earth or not.

I was married for 29 years to a man well respected in the Christian community. There is a difference between being willing to have sex and being forced to have sex when he wants it and how. Forced to have sex in public, forced to watch porn movies, forced to preform acts with him that are painful or distasteful. Sexual intimacy is only one of the blessing of marriage and it does not mean that you don't do it with a mutual respect for each other. Sexual intimacy should be satisfying to both. Sexual abuse in marriage is real. Marriage is not a free ticket to have sex whenever you want or however you want it. There needs to be mutual respect from both people. If anything I thought the show might make some women feel they aren't being raped because their husbands didn't kidnap them or beat them. I would have rather been beaten than sexually asulted by the man I loved and married, and this form of abuse is often too embarassing and humiliating for a woman to come forward and get help.

Darlene, I, too, was raped by my husband. He used to say all the time that my body was his "possession" because we were married, and he could do what he wanted, when he wanted to my body. I LOVE sex, but I stopped having sex with him because he criticized me all the time, about everything I did, but would not help me at all. So when my daughter was 6 months old, he began to rape me. That is how my son was conceived. Eventually I left him, but felt guilty for a long time, because I didn't enjoy "making love" to my husband. After four years of constant verbal abuse, I finally had enough, and left with my two children.

He then began to use the kids to pay me back for leaving him. I spent 7 years in court battling him (he used the legal system to abuse me, too). I finally got full custody of my kids. But I spent the last 7 years in court, getting court orders, then taking him back to court to enforce those orders. I've spent over $70,000 on the court battles, while he represents himself. The judges get disgusted with his games, but just one judge made him stop his games. That only lasted while we were in her courtroom. Now we have a new judge (a man) who gets disgusted with the games, but won't stop him.

And to top it off- I had to have surgery to fix the damage that my husband did to my body, during those rapes. I will have complications for life because of him. I am disgusted by those of you who think husbands don't rape their wives. I realize that not all husbands are like that- but I am here to tell you that my (ex) husband is a rapist.

Oprah- thank you SO MUCH for running this show on rape. I was raped repeatedly by my (now ex) husband 18 years ago. I did not try to prosecute him because I knew that I would be raped again, over and over, in court if I tried to prosecute him. I am so relieved that the legislators in this country are sensitive enough to realize that husbands can and do rape their wives. And I want to thank the men out there who are respectful enough to not force their wives to have sex against their will.

Like many others, I was raped and abused by my first husband. He and his family thought I was the problem. Our marriage started off well, but as I later learned he couldn't keep a job. He had little motivation to do anything except for his volunteer fire company.

I miscarried in 1995 and was unable to get pregnant again (now I can say it was a blessing, although I will never have any children)! The abuse started as verbal about a year later, then escalated into psychological and finally sexual abuse. He had me (a college grad) convinced that no one would ever want me, and that no one would beleive me that he'd abused me. I finally found the strength and courage to get a PFA and won back my life in 1999, but not until I'd been raped and survived several broken bones.

It was so emotional for me to go grocery shopping for the first time, when I didn't have to account for what I bought to eat (we had very different food tastes). My family and true friends were very supportive and loving.

It was very hard too since I still worked in he town where his mother resided. He moved home and lived with her for many years. I held my head high and told the truth - his version was quite different.

Today I am very happily married to a beautiful man who has seen abuse first hand through the court system, as he's in law enforcement. He carefully listened to me and has been a wonderful supporter. Previously, I dated a man who said that a husband can't rape his wife. I ended that relationship that day, as I know what I lived through.

Thank you Oprah for brining this topic to your show. My boss allowed me to go home early to watch this episode, knowing I am a SURVIVOR!!!

Joanne

I have experienced this and I wonder even though this is the second time we have seperated and not lived together in a year, how do we stop loving them? It is very hard to do this we were together for 10 years the abuse did not start over night, but the signs were there. Slowly the abusive controling nature lurked into our home and physical, verbal, emotional, mental and sexual abuse were very prevalent. It was like when he was in front of or with others I was a queen and everyone else was more important then me, behind the doors of our home that was not the case when I was on the other end of a fist or hurtful word or act. Women feel that they have to do whatever their husbands ask of them sexually even though it makes them feel nasty and discussiing in hopes of making him happy.

Even though we have been apart I still feel myself loving him and wanting him? Am I alone in having this feeling?

Could it be the psychological abuse that you are experiencing? .. your message so reminds me of a child who has been abused by a parent. The child still loves the parent even though they have done unimaginable acts of violence to the child, whether it be physical, sexual or emotional. How do you stop loving them? To be certain, you never do, you just learn to move forward. Have you taken those steps?

Wilesang, I'm sorry it is so hard for you to let go. This does remind me of an insight I had years ago. I had been recently divorced, which turned my world upside down. Not only did I lose the security I thought was in the marraige, but she used her anger to ostracise me from our religous circle as well. In the midst of it, I was unemployed for a time. It was a long and diffiucult journey to recover a sense of self. Eventually, I was working two jobs and that gave me to resources to take workshops with the Human Awareness Institute that helped with many of my issues. It helped me to accept my worth as a human being.

In the midst of one of these weekend workshops, I came to a realization. All too often, when we're involved with a person, with a religious group, with any organization, we can feel such blissful connectedness. It is easy for us to feel that the feeling comes from that other person or association. If we think that we will lose contact with that other which has given us such bliss, which as given our lives such meaning, we are tempted to compromise everything in order to keep that other.

What I realized that Saturday afternoon is that the feeling, the connectedness has actually been within me the whole time. The other often serves as a catalyst which allows us to open up our hearts and souls to the connection. Often, these catalysts know their power over others and do their best to foster depenedency. They work to convince you that if you leave them, you are lost. They are often the ones who "give" the most intense experiences in order to keep their victims hooked. Those associations (religious or otherwise) that use this principle are those most often classified as "cults."

If your "catalyst to bliss" is actually harming you, do not fear that leaving will make your life and heart empty. Have hope that you will find another who will be every much a catalyst and will be healthier for you as well.

This is the realization that helped me to improve over time, to make better choices with each relationship until I now have people in my life who are healthy for me.

I do hope wilesang checks back at this thread and gives her own input to the replies. Great words there oakdragon.

Hello everyone! I've read many of the posts in this board, and I know the show was about the women being "raped by their husbands", however, now we need a show that allows men to talk about WHY THEY "RAPE" WOMEN, or WHY THEY BELIEVE THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THIS TO A WOMAN/WIFE/GIRLFRIEND. I can guarantee you, that most reasons will be "I saw how my dad treated my mother" or "I was sexually raped as a child", or something to that effect. MEN HAVE LEARNED HOW TO MISTREAT A WOMAN BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN TAUGHT BY THE PREVIOUS GENERATION OF MEN. If women want to see this illegal treatment terminated, women need to begin TEACHING their sons, (the next generation) from the time they are little how to treat girls, then they will grow up treating women with respect and honor. So, is it any wonder why we have this issue in the world? I have to see these "abusers" with compassion because they are only behaving at the LEVEL OF AWARENESS they know how to, what did I once hear Oprah say, "If I knew better, I'd do better!"... I am not disregarding their horrible criminal behavior, but a "dog acts like a dog" and a "cat acts like a cat" because that is what they are programmed to do.

Inphinite, as a rape survivor, I agree that we need to understand why rapists rape to prevent future rapes and rape attempts, but I believe the causes are more complex than victimization to victimizer. In marital rape especially there is a tradition of entitlement which excuses violence within marriage. The entitlement used to be codified in the US through the marital rape exception and which is still codified in other parts of the world. If you mix entitlement with a feeling of either general or specific superiority, rape can easily be the result. "Who does she think she is to deny me? I'll show her who the boss is in this marriage."

That can give us husbands as iron-fist dictators. This means that marital rape can be motivated by thought processes which have little to do with overwhelming surges of passion. Like in dictatorships, dissidents must be taught a lesson and if they won't submit, earn for themselves serious punishment. This gives me an understanding of where the rationalization for, "She asked for it" can come from.

Some men who rape may have been subjected to a dictator and decide if you can't beat them, join them. But others may voluntarily pick a rapist as a role model while classifying that rapist as someone who is simply good with women. Rather than viewing most of those who report or disclose rape as true crime victims this person might view them as women who are inherently dishonest. If the potential rape victim is viewed as unfairly offering and then withholding a wanted commodity, again the fault can be viewed as the victim's. This definitely contributes to rape.

I see it as a warning sign when a man claims that most women are gold diggers since that can easily lead to the man viewing his wife, or a date, as a leech who owes him.