First of all I want to THANK ALL OF YOU! With out the help & encouragement from everyone on this board, there is NO way I would be quit on day 45. YOU ALL have been my inspiration thru this entire fight. You all have picked me up & dusted me off soooo many times

I have made such good friends here that I email & chat w/ daily. Wow....who would of ever thought that little ol' me would make it to this day???? NOT ME! LOL

I just wanted to sit down this morning & share my 45 days w/ everyone. I know it really helped me when I first came here to see people post their success after so MANY days...I was totally envious because I knew I'd never make it that far & it was only a "dream" But guess what????? I have! & living proof that YOU can too!

I use to sit & cry wishing that is was me that was day 5,10,15,20,30,60, ect...days under my belt. You all who started w/ me on the 3/1 gang, before & beyond know I struggled so bad like so many others here & if my little diary can help just one, then it was totally worth my writing. You all who know me from day one probably had your doubts, heck, I did!

A little run down for the newbies....(you can also find all my post by clicking my user name on here)

My name is Donna from TN, I'm 39 yrs Old & this is my first & last quit! I smoked for about 22 yrs, 1.5 packs per day. I did smoke either in the garage or out side. Never in my home.

I started out the last wk of Feb. on Chantix, I quit smoking on 3-1, had to come off chantix around the 10^th day (had a slip of one cig that day) put on the patch 21mg, took the patch off about a wk later because I just wanted to be free of ole NIC! It was like an IV drip, just prolonging the inevitable. I ripped the patch off & started the fight! (you can read my gut wrenching post from the early days to get all the between if you'd like) but my first week was very bad, the physical withdrawals for me was major but a lot of it was "me" putting to much into the "quit". Days of crying, depression, sadness, hubby calling me on his breaks & all I could do is cry.

There were so many days of this on the beginning I thought I'd never make it thru. Days I wished I were not even on this earth! I had a couple of major instances where anyone would have smoked, but I did not & found that I dealt w/ the situations so much better as I would have as a smoker. I can honestly say, YES, I feel so much better, my cough instantly went away, I smell so much better, food does taste "the same" (kinda disappointed there, lol), my sinuses LOVE me again. For years I'd wake up w/ sinus pressure & headaches & taking otc drugs all the time, & now? All that is gone! & so much more! The thing I love the most? Not having to rush out of some where to go smoke! Never being rushed out again

As of today, day 45 of my quit, is kinda like a breathe of fresh air...The past 3 days have actually finally felt like "normal" but w/out the cigs. Right now it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, why? Not really sure....I think finally it has settled into my head that "I'm a non-smoker now & smoking is NO longer an option for me". & I HAVE A CHOICE! & now that choice is quiet clear! I no longer "want" to smoke! Before, I did....so that alone makes the big difference in "staying quit".

My hubby quit the day after I did CT, but he did start back about 2 wks ago. At first it was a bit tough, but now? Not at all...does not even bother me the least. I even go out w/ him for him to smoke, I just sit, talk & hang....

Saturday we had to make a 2 hr trip to a soccer game & I even took my AC book just to keep me company...hubby ask me if I mind him smoking in the car. I had told him 2 wks ago that since you started back, only thing I ask of you is, "I won't allow smoking around around our boys ever again, & if I ever started back, that would go for me too, + I hate being closed in w/ smoke & then hearing that about 1 of 4 cigs when to your kids???? OH NO!

He totally understood & respected my wishes. It does not tempt me at the least because I'm at the point, "I don't want to smoke & have no desire to smoke". (never though I'd hear myself say that!)

But do you want to know why I think I have come to this decision & just 4 days ago?????

A newbie on the board had mentioned something about "herbal cigs". NO NIC & NO TOBACCO & NO ADDITIVES. I thought wow!!!!! That will help w/ the "thoughts of smoking & missing smoking"! Because all of you know how bad I was "missing it". I just could NOT over come the physiological part of this quit, even after reading Erics post 24-7!

I knew I had the physical part of this beat but knew if I didn't get over this "mind game" I would probably start back....I knew I had to do something to replace the "comfort".

So, at the time that I read this, hubby was out....I immediately called him on his cell, ask him to run by the cig. Store. In the mean time I called my friend there & ask her to lay me some herbals out, ect...

I was like a kid waiting on Santa at Christmas time! LOL

I could not wait til he got home! He finally made it & I lit one up! YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL it was so bad I could not inhale (which is good) smelled totally like the "weed".

Well, next day I was totally missing smoking "again", always around 10-11am, (my worst urging times during the wk) so I drug out the herbal cig. & after I did, I thought "what's the point????" Its like one of my board buddies here told me, "Donna, if there was no NIC in cigs, we would not smoke them". She was totally right & I stepped back & looked in at the whole picture & said,

"whoa, I was totally chemically, physically & mentally addicted to a drug????" DUHHHHH! I guess you really don't realize that in the early days of smoking until you really try to quit. I was truly an addict!!!!

I was one of those who smoked 1.5 pks / day. I smoked around the clock it seamed. Wake up smoke, work, break, smoke, phone, smoke, clean, break smoke, & this went on all day long for years! I didn't just smoke when I "needed" one, I smoked every time I "wanted" one which was all day!

I associated everything w/ cigs, yard work, spring, warm weather, looking out the window, raising the windows, you name it..... (you know where I'm coming from)

I was totally afraid to do anything around the house in fear of triggers, ya know?

I work from home, so everything here is asso. w/ triggers. It was so bad that after a couple of wks of my quit, I called a maid service to come in & do my house work LOL, yeah, I did the load of laundry, sweep & all the minor stuff, but totally was afraid to "get into my cleaning" because my cleaning "breaks" would consist of going out to smoke after every little chore.

Well, yesterday morning I knew it was time to get rid of all this "fear" & get on w/ life! & it was not going to get better w/out a fight.I did it!!!!! I got the entire house done & had fun doing it! Yes, I love house cleaning, can you believe that? LOL I've always enjoyed keeping house, I'm actually a neat clean freak nut! I found myself on the computer during my breaks checking on my online work, the board, messaging my girl "FAITH" on myspace lol, my email, & didn't even realize I was doing it....that was the cool part! I told my husband, "do you realize what I was just doing?" He laughed & said, "yes". Lol

I had felt so bad though because I had called Molly maid service 3wks ago (lol), then the house was really a mess yesterday L I felt like I had let the family down as a Mom & wife. But then I read on here a long time ago that we have to take care of "use" while doing this quit & do what "we" need to do. I even told my son, "omg...why didn't you tell me the house was like this?" He said, "Mom, you know we don't care about that & you are back now & that's all that matters". OMG,,,,I wanted to cry, I felt so happy! So for 6 wks my family, house, & I have suffered...but if it was only 6 wks vs the rest of my life, well, that's totally ok!!!!!

Yeah, I'm sure there will be days that I might "miss" it for an instant, but what I have in my mind now, I'll never look back! I finally feel "totally FREE", physically & MENTALLY! It might have taken me 40 days to break the "mental" part of it, but I did & it was allllll worth it

I totally feel like 22 yrs of my life were held hostage somewhere & will never give it up again.

Another tid bit I'd like to share regarding that 2 hr road trip on Sat. Me, hubby & son traveled to meet up w/ my step son (hubby's son) & his Mom for an all day soccer tournament...the x-wife & I are actually friends, she is a smoker, so I was anxious to see how I'd do around her all day. I really observed her every move....come to find out, she didn't smoke a lot at all. If that would have been me, I'd been sneaking about every few minutes to go smoke. I just ask her, how do you do that? (she had only smoked about 5 -6 cigs during the day) she said that she had quit so many times before & hated it so much that now she only smoked the ones that she "had" to smoke & left out all the ones she use to "enjoy" smoking....(boy, did those words hit home!) (Eric )She also said the longest quit was 40 days, guess what???? That means I beat the ole X on quitting smoking I'm day 45!

My final words of my diary.....

Anyone who says "quitting is EASY".... Is either lying or not human LOL...I'm 39 yrs "young" & this is the hardest thing I've ever done/quit in my life! Even after losing my Mom 6 yrs ago to lung cancer, I think this quit was harder...now that is bad!

Even the books out there only "help the quit to be easier", there is NO easy way! & you all know I'm telling you the truth.

I KNOW I'LL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHY???? I WILL NEVER GO THRU THIS EVER AGAIN! Why would I even want too?????

I would have to be insane.

The reason I am a success on quitting for one is because of several reasons:

My Son & family

I wanted to quit

I'm a determined person

I have never failed

I'm to stubborn to give in

The quit was to hard

& so many more! But this was my top's....

Also, I just ask my husband yesterday, "why did you start back last yr after being quit for a yr?" Guess what he said?????
BECAUSE THE QUIT WAS TO EASY! He said it was to easy & I can lay them down any time.... (he enjoyed smoking) I said, "oh, so you have it under control, huh?" He said, "yes". I said, "oh, so gnawing that straw to no end & stopping every hour in the car, ect...yeah...you really have it under control don't you?" LOL!!!!!!! He too finds it hard or he would of stayed quit w/ me! But like me & all others, you have to quit when its "your quit" time & not before.

Anyway, I hope I didn't bore any of you, but I was so proud of myself & all of YOU & wanted to share w/ YOU what YOU all help me accomplish!

Finally my sad & empty feeling are all gone & have been gone for awhile now J I'm on top of the hill now & heading down the other side. "finally"!

Love you all

Donna

ps...I may not post as much any more, but I do check in morn. & even. to make sure everyone is ok,,,If I see someone in distress, I do come running & first thing I can advise to the newbies, CHANGE YOUR ROUTINE NOW! I even moved my laptop to a new location, ect....makes a world of difference, try making a lot of new "physical changes" around you