Thanks for your reply. I must confess - I did burn the couch. I drug it out of the house, around to the back yard, poured a gallon of gasoline on it and lit it up. It was a good experience for me as I did feel a lot of release (I cried very hard). I also did have to appear in court due to the fire, the fire department and the police that arrived just before the couch was pretty much gone. We did buy new furniture and it has helped some but I find that I cannot occupy the "space" that the couch is in. There is a heavy, negative air about it. I feel it even when I am not looking for it. Like, when I am dusting and pass by the front of the couch, I can feel a great negative pressure that is so uncomfortable that I now avoid walking that way whenever possible. I no longer love my home or have much interest in it. It was the one safe place I had in my life, and that was taken too. Every day I feel like the only way out for me is to get out but I also know that will bring me great pain too. I hope chapter 6 will give me more inspiration to keep going.

Yes, you are right on all counts and I have worried a lot about the message that my staying sends to my children. My daugher is 22 and at college but I can tell that she probably disapproves of my staying. Of course we all say "if he ever cheats on me I am out of here" when we are young and before it actually happens to us. I also think about the message this sends my son. He is 27 and has told me that he would probably have long been gone but he also understands our relationship more. I just don't want him to think that this is the way you treat your wife. I am sure that he knows this but I am living out something right in front of them and it must have an impact. Of course, me leaving would also have a great impact on them. Life just isn't easy is it?

Thank you so much for sharing your story even though I know it's hard to talk about. I am sorry that my story caused your old pain-body to wake up and make you feel bad again. 6 years alone huh? That is what others say to me... you don't want to live the rest of your life alone. Well, I don't know - maybe I do. I am a pretty solitary person as it is and do not require being around people too much. I have my dogs and hope to have some land where I can get a horse. I know what you mean about how this affair was revealed. The only reason he told me is because it was about to break. He said the only reason he did it was because he didn't think it would ever come out and they would never get caught because her husband was out of town for several months at a time. She is not too smart though to keep having him pay her cell phone bill when he clearly knew my husbands cell phone number - they were best friends! Sickening, just sickening. Anyway, I do think about how all this came out and some of the comments he has made but he also said he 'wasn't himself" when all this was going on. He says now looking back it's like a bad dream - not even hardly real because he cannot believe he could do such a thing. Of course, these words from the mouth of a liar... I don't know. I just don't know. I am trying to focus on myself but it's hard with him constantly around me.

Just wanted to add to this thread that in my opinion when a person cheats.... man or woman, they are very immature and very self-centered. They are not thinking of their spouse and they are not thinking of the person they are cheating with. THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT THEMSELVES ONLY! I will even go as far to say that they may not LOVE anyone but themselves. They are hurting their marriage and they are hurting the person with whom they say they will leave for or be with or whatever....... they don't feel love for either (likely) and they certain don't have respect for anyone in this situation. If I was with someone that shallow, I wouldn't be leaving them because they cheated, I would be leaving them because I found out how neurotic they really are and because they participate in seriously irresponsible behaviour with little or no feeling of guilt.

Just my opinion.

Elle! you go girl for setting the couch on fire! a pint of gas, not a gallon, or maybe just light a candle next time.

I agree that infidelity is neurotic behavior. Not to diminish the pain it causes to all parties involved, but as the saying goes 'these are tangled webs we weave, when to struggle to deceive'.

There's been mention of the Passion Paradox on here. I read that and it explains to me a lot of failed relationships. One of my business partners is on her 5th marriage. By now, she's realizing what I suggested to her after #2 dropped from the charts, that she sees the romance stage as the love, but the love is really in the long term attachment, the acceptance of self and of partner, the ability to leave the past behind and live in the now.

Burn that couch! Get the whole couch, not just the part that carries the stain of his neurotic behavior. The weave is tangled. Easiest way to untangle is to let it be.

Elle, you might be happier alone. Eckhart says 'sometimes it's better to just date'.

Change is easy. It happens in an instant. It is the transition we fear. I heard that years ago from a fellow named Art Mortell in a speech he gave at a company meeting.

Happy trails ahead Elle, whether you stay or go, but take it easy on the fuel supply! That stuff is $4/gallon!

Your pain is as real as the nose on your face. I've been there and we're still together. It's the worst thing I have ever survived. Yes there are still triggers after 3 years of work but they are fewer as time goes on. Being in the present as much as possible will help you persevere. NO ONE can tell you - just move on. They haven't walked in your shoes. Hang in there and move if possible.

I would recommend you reread chapter 3 again. It sounds like you have taken on the role of victim. The woe is me attitude. I see a combination of pain-body and ego. Your ego does not want to let go of the role of victim. Be aware of both. You must be getting some ego boost by torturing your husband with the couch burning and the changing of channels when the subject comes up. You must be enjoying the guilt trip you stir in your husband each time. I say search the ego and bring it to light. Recognize the role you played in this cheating event. It's tough. I had to do it. Taking responsibility for the cheating is the hardest thing to do. Playing victim will continue to feed your ego and pain-body. Good luck.

As cold as this post may sound I agree whole heartedly. At some point the victim role does have to be tossed out the window otherwise it will eat you alive. I see it in my husband who is still "the victim", and will continue to be even after the divorce because he doesn't understand how consumed he is by his ego and the poison that it emits. I was drudged through the horrible memories day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year and asked the same questions over and over while not ever hearing me. He was (still is) too identified with his anger, self pity, hostility, and resentment. He allowed the "affair" to become a part of him. It defines who he is. I tortured myself continuously and when I wasn't he was. He never let it go and it became a weapon with which he could abuse me with. I'm not excusing affairs or making light of them in anyway, what I am saying though is, in my opinion, they happen for a reason. They have to! Yes call us selfish, self-centered, and in love with ourselves.....but my emotional affair was a severe cry for help. I was living an emotionally/verbally abusive life and It took an affair for me to "scream for help". I couldn't approach a manipulative, aggressive, hostile, degrading, condescending, controlling angry man because I was wrong with what ever I had to say. I no longer had any self-esteem and would cower when dealing with him. So as bad as an affair is, and they are down right heart wrenchingly painful, it happened and I had to find something positive with the fact that it happened. I thought my marriage would survive and believed my husband's love was strong enough in that he would take responsibility for his role in what happened, but I was sadly mistaken. He can't be humbled, and his ego is too strong and loud to ignore. These posts have made me cry, made me laugh, made me think and I appreciate what everyone has written.

Elle....Try to become more Present and beware of the ego and pain-body. Become the watcher. If you don't want to drive the marriage into the ground try to heal yourself and then focus on your union.

Best of luck and I'm so sorry you had to go through this experience. Try to find "something" positive. It will make you stronger and God has a reason for it even though you don't understand right now. As Eckhart says "There's grace hiding behind every form of suffering."

Lots of love,
Jeri

Hi,

I had to jump in on this thread because I, too, have a husband who had an affair. My "Discovery Day" was June 24, 2006, a day that will forever be seared in my mind as the most horrific day of my life. I have been tortured with obsessive thoughts of the 'other woman' for nearly two years. A NEW EARTH is helping me heal in a very big way. Being present in the 'now', taking deep breaths, walking meditation -- all this STOPS me from going back in time and reliving what happened. I am very grateful.

The part of the book that really woke me up was on page 139:

"The inability and unwillingness of the human mind to let go of the past is illustrated in the story of two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, who were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side. The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn't restrain himself any longer. "Why did you carry that girl across the road?" he asked. "We monks are not supposed to do things like that." "I put the girl down hours ago," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?" Now imagine what life would be like for someone who lived like Ekido all the time, unwilling to let go internally of situations. What a heavy burden of past he would carry around with him in his mind."

WOW! My husband 'put down' his mistress nearly two years ago and I have continued to carry her! But, as Ekhart says, I can refrain from mentally dwelling on the past, regardess of whether something happened yesterday or thirty years ago. I can learn NOT to keep this event (my husband's affair) alive in my mind and can turn my attention continuously to the pristine, timeless present moment rather than being caught up in mental movie-making.

NOTHING EVER HAPPENED IN THE PAST THAT CAN PREVENT YOU (OR ME) FROM BEING PRE3SENT NOW; AND IF THE PAST CANNOT PREVENT YOU FROM BEING PRESENT NOW, WHAT POWER DOES IT HAVE?

I LOVE that! I am free, I am free, at last I am free!!!

Thank you Ekhart. Thank you Oprah!!!

I don't know why your husband felt compelled to share the details of exactly where and when, that seems rather cruel. If I might venture an observation, it seems to me you are trying to live your life exactly like it was before, as though nothing happened. But something did happen and so your life just doesn't feel the way it used to and that keeps bringing up the pain, like continually bumping up against a bruise. You could keep sticking it out and hoping you'll forget - though it hasn't worked so far. Or you could shake up your life and start fresh - move house to another part of town where you don't have to drive by the drugstore, maybe take up something different to occupy your spare time (like run for President).

Hi. This is my first post (just joined today,) and my husband had an affair, too. We'd been married 27 yrs. I understand what you are talking about in the heaviness, or negative energy, where the now-burned couch used to be. I actually set out to burn down our entire cabin - previously a sanctuary for me - and sit there and burn with it. I wanted to make that intolerable pain stop, and hurt more while I was doing it. I am sure there was a lot of "drama" and wanting to punish him in that insanity, too. Crazy... The cabin still stands, because I couldn't make the 7 hour drive that day. Got really sick on the way. I've gone back, to try to work thru some of that stuff, but I seem to sense a "dark" kind of energy there, that I have chosen not go into again. There's some kind of heavy, ugly thing there, now. This pain of infidelity is the worst and longest I ever lived through, but I actually found Tolle's first book "The Power of Now" before this new one. It was incredibly powerful for me, especially the chapters on enlightened relationships and ego. Well... the whole book. The triggers (after two years since the affair ended) still had me in a lot of pain. I was obsessing in my mind about what they did, when they did, how they did, why they did, etc... over and endlessly over. I am learning to practice watching those thoughts now, and it really helps. Also, that chapter opened up my eyes to the fact that he did what he did out of his own ego and pain body. This allowed me to let go of the "blame" he laid on me. Of course, he put it on me! His ego wasn't going to own that! So my own ego had moved into "angry, ruined, betrayed, loser,failure, HUGE victim." For four long years since the first round of that affair, my ego waged all-out war with his. I didn't realize that it was a war of egos, and that I actually "helped" keep the affair going for two more years, because of that war. Life was hell, so I guess I thought it would make him stop if I made his life hell. Of course, it didn't. Tolle struck me hard when he talked about our egos seeing others as "enemies." That's what I did, and I then I tried to win the war, so to speak and lost nearly every battle. I tried controlling my husband into stopping the affair. That didn't work. I tried everything under the sun... "victim, perpetrator, sweet and loving, June Cleaver wife, etc" but it all failed because I had a motive. Control him into giving up his mistress. Somehow, I believed that if I let it go and started to heal, I would "lose" the war. Ego was wanting to hang on and be miserable just to "win." So much to learn from Tolle. The pain continued to sear away inside almost all the time. Now, after my third reading of "Power of Now," and working on my second reading of this new book, I'm calming down and experiencing brief - very brief - moments of actual peace. I've even sort of chuckled at what my ego tries to get by with in my mind... We are still together. As I am calming down with baby steps at Presence, he seems to be calming down, too. "The Power of Now" really spoke to me about acceptance, surrender, and letting go. The new book is re-affirming it, and adding new insights and information. Amazing books. I have a long way to go, but it's getting better. In the end, I don't know if the pain of infidelity ever goes away fully - at least for me. Trust issues seem to keep it going. But, then I guess Tolle might say that's a big ego still yapping around trying to control everything, the future, and not accepting the Now. BAN has helped me a lot, too; and I now hold group meetings in this area. I've started recommending these books to our members locally. What a journey, huh? Just know you aren't weak.

I read your story and can relate to the pain and feelings you are going through. My husband of 32years cheated on me. I found emails. He travels a lot and this happened out of town. I am recovering from breast cancer and I wish I had just died. The cancer pain would have been alot easier than what I am going through now. I have also decided to stay with him.

I go through immense pain each day and night and wish I could it end it all. I hate myself for staying. I feel I am useless. My children are grown and there was nothing to hold me back. I ask myself why did I stay. I think I still love him. All their emails run through my mind day in and day out. I hate what I have become.

Please can someone tell me if this will ever get better?

Dearest Elledreams:

Gosh, it looks like you have felt betrayed by your husband and one of your girlfriends. I have been in similar situations in different scenarios, but not a combination of both individuals at the same time.

This is how I dealt with ridding myself of the inner pain using the book, ANE. It was good for me but may not be good for you.

Chapter Three ("The Core of the Ego") talks about "Reactivity and Grievances," "Being Right, Making Wrong." The section that REALLY helped me was "The Ego is Not Personal" (pgs. 72 - 74). In your case too, since you have created so much drama, "Do You Want Peace or Drama?"

Your husband obviously wants you in his life and you want him in yours; so get on with creating some happiness in your lives. These things happen to everyone (everyone I know that is). It's life, it's a relationship. Relationships are hard. Surely there are other hard times you and he have worked through in the past 23 years.

One thing I had to realize is that men (in America -- like the guy that wrote we in France see things differently) have a hard time being themselves from a sexual standpoint. Statistics show men think about sex far more than women. Give him a little space to be who he is ... his true thoughts however might scare you, you need to prepare yourself for the truth, but wouldn't that be better than what you are experiencing now?

I hope this helped but I doubt it's what you wanted to hear. I wish you the best in healing your thoughts to more positive ones.