Why do you stay?

You are not weak. We are all human. If someone did that to me, my pain body would want to...grab a hammer and damage the appendages with which they commited that dastardly mistake! I bet this situation hurts a LOT.

You are not alone, and you must follow your intuition as to what to do here. People can give you all the advice in the world, but only you can know if forgiveness and acceptance will translate into staying with your husband or not. Just because you forgive does not mean you have to continue in the relationship if you are unable to find peace in it.

I know Tolle says we need to find peace in the present, but he also says: "If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally." (Power of Now, p.82). Hope something I have said might help you, and I pray that your pain dissolves and you find peace. Love, Laura

i don't mean my question above to sound callous, i'm just curious. there is nothing in your post where you give even one reason why you do stay. my question wasn't meant to imply that you should leave. you don't need to answer the question here, i just wanted you to think about what the answer is, for you.

I have been in the same position myself and it is a very difficult situation to heal from. I have found a positive way to help others who are also dealing with infidelity. I coordinate a BAN (Beyond Affairs Network) support group. You might want to check the BAN Internet site for some great information on the topic of infidelity. You might even want to join the support group in your state. Our group meets monthly has been a great support system for betrayed spouses. Best of Luck in you healing journey.

I know exactly how you feel and can say that because I am living the similar nightmare. I am 1 1/2 years out as well and this book came to me at the best time. I wrote to my friend that got me through all this (she went through it as well, and was pregnant when she found out!), 'I just can't turn off my head and want too'. The triggers and memories are there for me too and they can hurt like the 1st day so easily. I stayed in my marriage as well. Don't get angry by those that responded to your post as to why you stayed as I can only assume they have not lived this reality (or maybe did and had a different experience?). Reading this book has helped but I am not cured and think time to recover from this is going to be a long journey!

Like someone else that posted I found BAN (Beyond Affairs Network) and volunteered to be a coordinator in my area which has helped me alot. It feels good to be able to share and help others. Kind of brings some sense to why it had to happen.

Unfortunately, I think there are more of us that went through this that didn't. I know this fact doesn't make it any easier.........

Thinking of you!!

Thank you so much for your reply. It has been a hard road. The reason I stay is because I know that deep down I love my husband and he is the one for me. It's hard to walk away from that. He has done everything possible and everything recommended to try to help me heal from this. He has taken full responsibility, he is sensitive to my triggers and trys to avoid them, like changing the channel on the TV if something "cheating related" comes on. He also comes from a very dysfunctional home where both his parents had affairs. My father had an affair. From the books I have read, we already had a 75% chance of it happening to us by those statistics alone. I just didn't know then. I also didn't know the "empty nest" was prime time for this. I was trusting. Not one of those clingy wives. Now I don't even know who I am. The pain is just like the 1st day and every day I have to re-live it. Even if I left him, would it be better? Would the other triggers besides just him or my home still not get to me? I think not. If I can heal with him helping me, I think I would be better off, I just don't know if I can. I will try to get into a group which I have avoided because of the negative stuff that sometimes goes on and I cannot be pulled down any further, you know? I sense my own weakness and am hanging on to what I have left of myself. I wish you the best of luck too. I know that many women in our position are very successful and years later, have a much better marriage then they ever had before so maybe that is why I stay.... hope for the future.

Take care,
Elle

Because I love him and he has taken full responsibility for what he did. He feels awful. He has done everything to support me, help me, and take any suggestion from any counselor and read any book. It's very hard to love someone who is the one person who is supposed to protect you from harm, but instead is the one person who brings the worst harm to you. It's very, very difficult. Leaving would actually be much easier but is running away really the answer?

Thank you and you are right on. I have forgiven him, but do not know if I can live with him. If I cannot find peace and days without horrible pain, I may have to leave, which would also make me sad - to leave the love of my life. I guess I should read Eckert's first book! Thanks for your support and kind words. These postings make me feel better already. I have never done this before so I am so grateful to all of you who took the time to write me back.

Elle

Been there as well...I hate the triggers, the walmart they met at, our tuck they made out in, songs he liked then, the town she lives in, Tuesdays(their day),Easter, mothers day, his birthday, her birthday and the damn name Vanessa....But when I read chap 5 I realized I am keeping the affair alive in my mind. He has let it go, he asked for forgiveness and has and is doing all he can to change, but I keep bringing it up. So I set a date to let it go and I have. When I see/hear a trigger I don't resist. I tell myself there is pain in me, there is anger in me (what ever the emotion), I take a deep breathe and release the emotion when I exhale. It has gotten better. It's not wonderful, but better. I have stopped checking his phone, I have stopped talking about it, I have stopped actively thinking about it. I still want him to sell his truck though:) LOL
Hope this helps you!

I empathise. I too have experienced that pain and the obsessive thoughts.
I think what Tolle's theory tells us, is that that actual state you are in, when for example looking at the couch and bringing forth the thoughts, images, and strong emotions, is the exact moment that you can recognize that you have fully merged with your painbody. (Its only by observing it that you can create the distance necessary to sense it).
I think it might help to realize that the act of having an affair was in itself the product of your husbands unconscious ego and his demons and inner feelings associated with his own pain body.
The Painbody must love infidelity, because if it feeds on intense negative emotions, I would think disclosing it plays right into its game as it sure provokes a lot of negative stuff between a couple. And as the victim, you know it even adds a dimension of constant woundedness and simmering anger, that sadly become part of our identity.
I admire the fact that even with all of the negative thoughts and emotions, somehow you have seen that there is a bigger picture and that the love you are capable of is larger still.
From my end it just occured to me that I need to consider my thinking mind and thoughts as a horse I ride that sometimes wants to buck like crazy. I can stay on its back which is a painful, backbreaking and painful (if not even injerious if I insist too much), or I get off and wait until my poor steed has calmed down so that I can reassert my mastery over him.
This is easier said than done, but its also more easily done than we often think. We just need to catch ourselves in our ego act, and you can focuss away from the script by focussing on your breathing. Take 3 breaths, and then one more and seek to be aware that moments before you had focussed your present on what is past.

Thank you for posting this. I found out that my partner was having an affair in mid-March and I have a very heavy pain body. I am reading the book and it helps, but my heart is broken and very heavy. It is hard to be present with this pain. I always trusted her and did not suspect anything before. I would work it out if she would, because I still love her. However, I think she has moved on. I struggle everyday to get through. It is good to know I am not the only one with this pain.

I did not have the same external experience as you, but something happened in my relationship that caused so much paint hat it split us apart. The chapter on pain bodies was my aha chapter when all the pieces fall into place. Because he is deep in denial there is no way we can fix this, but understanding that it is his pain body "speaking" has helped me understand and has brought me closure, although I admit there is deep sadness that he would throw away all the years we have invested in an otherwise good relationship.

One of my aha moments was when I realized his actions have created a pain body in me that is making my life miserable. After my clarity moment, I started working on getting rid of this pain body in me. I don't want to bear this awful burden and have it poison the rest of my life. Imagining the person I know and love, this sweet and kind and considerate person, wearing a really ugly pain body "mask", has helped me de-personalize what he did to me. It doesn't excuse him, or change the fallout, but it helps me in how I think of the last seven years. In my case, he is unwilling to put the mask down, so there isn't much future. In your case, your husband seems more than willing to cast aside the ugly mask. Of course, it is up to him to prove to you that he is done with the mask forever (and this takes time- maybe years - only actions, not words, count here). Maybe the two of you could even symbollically burn an ugly mask. And while you are at it, burn that damn sofa and go buy a new one (he owes you at least that much). You might even consider moving, but perhaps the mask and sofa -burning adventure will make moving unnecessary. I have even heard of "cleansing" a house with a ceremony and burning sage and etc. Sounds pretty new-age, but hey, if it helps. . . As a final resort, MOVE! But do whatever you can to reduce the pain body this awful experience has created in YOU. You will have a very difficult time living a happy life if you both have major pain bodies around this. He needs to rid himself of his (thru self-awareness and a lot of practice) and so do you. Only YOU can get rid of YOUR pain body that resulted from all this fallout.

I wish I had the opportunity to attempt to rescue my relationship, but it takes two. If he is really sincere about working with you, then go for it. But if he slips up again, get out of there!

I have that quote on the three choices (p82?) marked and starred. Try to sit down and have a good talk with yourself. What do you want the rest of your life on Earth to be? Then write your step by step method to achieve this goal. And know that the goal is an illusive thing that will change as you do. Then you, not ANYONE else is in control of your life. You may want to consider the type of partner treatment you are presenting to your children. However, the main, most important person is you. Sometimes, when I am really down, I quietly take one hand in the other like a mother would a child's hand, and I say, "I am your friend and I will take care of you." Sounds mighty crazy, but it calms me. I know I always have one true friend in this world who loves me with no strings attached and all my decisions must be guided by the need to care for and protect this person..

My husband cheated nearly 12 years ago and we have been divorced for 6 and your post brought all those horrible feelings back just like the day it happened. I don't know the answer but I wanted to tell you I send you my heartfelt wish for peace. I still cannot understand how anyone can do that (over and over) to someone they "love". I don't think they were ever in my house but they were in my favorite National Park and last weekend I was there and it just came up for me. I have been alone for a long time and I don't think I can reccommend that choice either. I wish I could help but it is so deeply personal. I believe that when Eckhart says to stay focused on yourself it is because it is futile to control anyone else. My biggest concern is that your husband only admitted things when they were about to come out anyway. How long could he have betrayed you if that had not been the case? How long would it have gone on before he felt bad about destroying you? Focus on you. Be good to you! Burn everything in the house and sell the dang place and make him move to another state! Okay, that was my ego but I had to say it! How can you say he is trying when you are being tortured everyday? Do whatever you need to do for you. And if his love is for real, he will go along with it! He did whatever he needed! Be present with yourself and you will find your answers.

that's a fantastic meditation mirami5000. it all begins with acceptance and love of the energy that we ourselves express.

I think the French understand this thing we call infidelity better than we do. I believe they've adopted liberte, egalite, fidelite as a more realistic expression.

We're majorly disfunctional about this stuff in the USA. We're a fear based culture, and that blocks our consciousness.

Take the label off, as Eckhart advises, and let the body tell you what it wants. Can you be present for that?

Not to diminish in any way the pain that only resides in the coming of awareness that mirami finds in holding her own hand.

To find the peace and acceptance you need in the present moment is the gift of a lifetime. Forgive them for they know not what they do.