I need help. I am the other woman. I know that I am there by choice. But I agree with the earlier post it is like an addiction. I cant seem to leave him. I was in a loveless marriage for 18 years, after my husband left me I felt so alone. Then 8 months ago I met this wonderful man. Only to find out after 2 months that he was married. I know I should have walked away but I didnt want to. He showed me all the attention and "love" (I know he cant possibly love me) that had been missing out of my life. Now 8 months later I cant seem to leave him. Every time I try I let him suck me back in. I dont know what to do to increase my self esteem. Am I so low that I cant do the right thing anymore?

Ifelt the same way, I felt like my life would never be normal ever again, it takes time, it has been two years for me, are you and your husband still together? Many arguments have erupted with me saying "do you have any idea what you have done to me, to our family? But the truth is that is not helping anything. Dwelling on what happened is not healthy. Two years later, I am getting my strength back, for me a lot of it was the humiliation "what other people thought" until someone walks in your shoes they will never know what they will do.

I am trying to heal my life for me and my daughter, reliving the events of two years ago are not healthy. I discovered a book called "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. If you can pick it up it is a good book to read.

I recall many days of wondering if I would see a light at the end of the tunnel and it is starting to glow. We had issues other than the cheating to deal with, and communication definately helps. But my never ending reminding my husband of his betrayal and my ranting and raving were not helping.

I had a friend say to me if you are going to stay you are going to have to forgive him and if you forgive him, you can't keep throwing it in his face. My husband has also started to make changes, if he is out he phones me regularly to let me know where he is. We do things together and as a family again.

You can't lose your spirit, find it, find books to read - get counselling if the first one does not work move on. Search the Internet you are not alone you will read something or finally get the AHA moment to help you through. This forum definately helps - I used to think I was alone - it is very apparent I am not. I believe I have had many AHA moments by reading the postings here.

He didn't tell you he was married until you were two months into the relationship? He's already lying to you --- you need to break away or your self esteem will keep getting damaged. I believe you should cut off all communication with him. Just walk away. Find someone unattached who will cherish you. This man doesn't cherish you because he doesn't even cherish his wife or he wouldn't be seeing someone else. When you leave you will begin to heal and things will get better, you'll see. And why would you wish to be participating in hurting someone else, especially when you were on the receiving end when your marriage didn't work and your husband left --- you know how that feels. You're in an abusive relationship right now, though you might not be fully aware. It's dragging you down. But you can do the right thing, I know you can! And you will be so much better off for it. I will pray it works out for the best for you.

*I know what it feels like to "die" inside. A broken heart really does physically hurt, I've felt it. My husband of 10 years, whom I would claim, seriously, that I could trust in the playboy grotto. But, you know what? When I died inside, God resurrected me into a new woman. Only 3 1/2 months later, yes, I am still dealing with trust issues and hurt feelings, but I have allowed myself a different perspective. God allows, not causes, us to reach the depths of raw, pure pain, in order to draw us closer to him. If you actively seek him with all you heart and soul, he will pick you up and bring you a peace you never thought possible. I have buried myself in scripture, in music, exercise, and the enjoyment of my friends and children in order to make it through the hardest times. If you build your foundation upon the rock, how can you fall? Depending on your circumstances for your inner happiness will ALWAYS lead right back to an unhappy place. JOY is not the same. JOY comes from knowing that God knows you, loves you, and wants only the best for you.* *If you keep drudging up the past, you're going to keep yourself in the mud. Come on,honey, it's time to get out of the mud, and start living clean and in the sunlight! Your thoughts and where you carry them will determine whether you can move on or not. Don't make this just about your husband. For some reason, you don't think you deserve to move on and enjoy living life in the future, instead of the past. The past is the past, there's nothing you can do to change it. Move on, look forward to where tomorrow might lead you.*
Nowadays, I do struggle with the temptation to drudge up the past, don't get me wrong. As I'm talking to you, I'm talking to myself. I live with the idea that God is going to use this for his kingdom. If I can be part of building his kingdom, then I can take whatever life can dish out. It's not about what we can build, attain, maintain or enjoy on Earth, it's about building our Heavenly Kingdom. Don't let this experience rob you of the chance to prove to yourself and your family how strong you can be under EXTREME circumstances. Take it from me, there's nothing that feels better than moving forward and keeping your head high knowing that your handling the situation with grace and dignity.
I will pray for you, as well as the others posting on this site, both wives and mistresses. I pray that the "other women" will learn from their mistakes and NEVER put women like ourselves through what we've gone through.

Edomaniac, you say go cold turkey but its not that easy, Trust me, it's a lot easier said then done. I really have feelings for this man. Feeling that I never thought I could have for anyone ever again. You see I have been hurt to many times in my past relationships. I read a few of your responses, in one you say "this is why I am going to counseling because I have to address the issue that I _*did fall in love with another woman*_. But, I want to be with my wife. It is a continuing battle that I have faced for the past year - less frequently now, but, still there sometimes." How can you fall in love with another women if you really want to be with your wife? Are you really being true to yourself? Is it that you want your cake and want to eat it too. It sounds to me that the OW treated you with the same grace and love that you were expecting as your wife did or you would not have fell in love with her. You say you do not have any intentions on leaving you wife but lets face it...... you are leaving her every time you walk out the door to see the OW of to make a phone call, or to send a email. You then tell me to go cold turkey..... did you go cold turkey when it was over with the OW. Or is it even over? I know it was not that easy as you make it seem. Especially if you fell in love with her. When you love someone, you just cannot walk away. That is why you cannot leave your wife and vise versa. You reply to many comments telling us to look at if from the other perspective and that some of us have our rob on to tight. Maybe you need to take a step back and review your situation. I am not trying to come down on you, but that is how it is. It seems to me that you have your on and has never taken it off. You are so right.... you have a loving wife. And I do appreciate your honesty an your input to the forum, but are you being honest to yourself. You are in love with two women. And you don't want to let either of them go. It sounds to me that both of them are wonderful women and there must be some qualities in *YOU* that both women see and do not want to let go. Therefore, the ball is in your court. I came down on you enough for this session. I know you have a lot to say so lets hear it !

The best thing to do is to go "cold turkey"... what happened is done.. Rehashing and constant communication and contact won't change or help anything... It's never a win/win in these cases...Just stop, yes..there will be a withdrawl period and a mourning period.. that is normal and happens with any "death" in a relationship..You should and will "mourn".. but my advise is absolutely "NO CONTACT"

I'd hardly call having an affair with a married man an "addiction." That is just an excuse for bad behaviour. You need to drop this guy. He lied to you from the beginning by not telling you he was married. What else has he lied to you about? What if he leaves his wife for you? Will you ever be able to truly trust him? Start going our with your friends, think of yourself, do some things you want to do, go into therapy...........but dump this guy.

I think that what people/professionals mean by "addiction" is the feeling one gets while in an affair type relationship.. Some people thrive on it and get a strange sense of excitement of the "drama" involved.. the living on the edge/thrills, the secrets..when will the next call/e-mail or text come..Knowing it's wrong, but just keep seeking and thriving on the strange sense of excitement.. There are many woman who just need some type of DRAMA in the lives on a daily basis... Some just create it on their own for attention.. Call a therapist and get in ASAP

It shows a lot of character and strength to do what you did. Good for you, and according to your nickname, I'm sure you use this to give glory to God for delivering you from this. I pray that you can get through your situation as I did. I discovered 3 1/2 months ago that my husband of 10 years cheated on me and almost left me for the OW. I am praying for grace and forgiveness for the OW. Seeing your post helps me with this internal battle, so thank you for posting. God says that it's not showing love to those who love you, but loving your enemies that glorifies and honors him.
As a follow up, my husband and I are together and have fallen in the deepest of love that we never thought possible. God has turned this around.
God Bless you.

A "jolt" like an affair is not what I would recommend for any marriage.. but when if happens to you and the married couple really does love each other and wants to repair the horrible damage that was done..it can be the best "WAKE-UP" call needed. I wouldn't wish the pain I experienced on anyone - EXCEPT HER... I know she's hurting because she really thought that calling me and telling me that my husband was involved with her would make me crack and toss him out... didn't happen..but I did think about it.. I invested my life into this marriage and wouldn't go out without a fight.. My H agreed and we're working very hard at it.. Some good days, some hard..the OW continues to harass us..

sounds like your meeting went fairly well. My meeting was horrible!! The OW has turned out to be a "Glen Close" psychotic stalker. I beleive she truly thought giving details of the affair would have me running for the hills. It was painful, but my H and I have decided to work on the marriage.. Work on the breakdown of communication that lead to him feeling he needed to go outside of the marriage to meet his emotional needs. This will be a very difficult time for us, but we've decided to try our best. She continues to harass us

I found one even better. A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.--Oscar Wilde

This is to edomaniac: I see you are a man an "cheated." Well I am a woman who "cheated." And I never would have done so if it weren't for the man. Unfortunately I fell for a "friend" of numerous years, who took advantage of the fact that I was a nice person and cared about people. So this experience has left me with no sympathy AT ALL for men. I am tired of hearing about men saying that their little problems seem so little to my wife, that she doesn't care about me.. You know full well what you are doing when you start sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings with a woman. And have the nerve to talk about how much she understands you, how you can talk to her without it escalating to getting nasty. I fell for that crap. Only to find out that the man had been down that road with about a dozen other women. So, you know what? I picked up the phone and told his wife. That he was scum. That he's running around telling women you don't kiss him.. that you wouldn't miss him if he died, etc. etc. I told her!! Not because I wanted to hurt her and NOT because I wanted to get back at the man who lied to me. But because if it were me...and I were in her shoes, I would want someone to have the nerve to pick up the phone and call me and tell me. I wanted to give her the power back. To give her the upper hand. Because someone who can manipulate people into believing that they are honorable, and upstanding should not be allowed to continue that sort of sick thing. Now that the rock has been turned over and she has been shown all the worms underneath. Now she cannot say she doesn't know! So bottom line. If you cheat, expect to get caught. Isn't that what your taking? Risks? Don't act surprised. And if your not happy with your spouse, have the balls to put it on the table.

Thanks for you honesty. How did you feel while you were intimately involved with him? Sounds like you were more upset that he had other affairs, hence, cheating on you.. than you knowing that you were involved with a married man who went home every night and got into bed with his wife. Do you still contact him or his wife?

thundercaz...An Amen and a high five to you, girl!!!