hi ,,,,,,,,has she read the book ? are the two of you doing this together? mara

whats SIL

Sister in Law

No. I try to avoid her because I know it's going to turn into something if we talk.

LOLOLOLOL I was thinking spouse in life LOLOL

When you believe you have the right intentions for her, it won't matter if she understands you anymore or not.

It's your insecurity about your intentions towards her, your relationship with her, what role you play in this drama that keeps you involved in this drama. When you can be loving towards her, accept her as she is, both the good and bad in her and allow her to just be, even if she can't or won't understand this space you create for her, you will no longer be in a power struggle with her. You will know you are doing right by her. It won't matter to you if she appreciate it or not.

When you believe you are good, you are good. Until you believe it yourself, you will struggle everytime she reminds you of your own doubts.

Blessings to you both.

guess i don't get why a SIL would be pursuing that kind of intimate energetic with you.........by intimate i mean that level of intensity........like the other poster i thought this was a spousal or significant other relationship........i'm thinking there is a boundary issue here,,,,,,, whose is it? mara

jmif,

It's difficult to give you much of an answer with so many generalities, but I'll try. What you seem to be describing sounds very much like a classic pain-body response from your SIL.

You write: "I do something (that seems insignificant to me) and she makes it out to be I purposely did this to hurt her, and there is an explosion, again."

"Pain bodies love intimate relationships and *families* because that is where they get most of their food. ***It is hard to resist another person's pain-body that is determined to draw you into a reaction.***" [http://P. 148|http://P. 148] (emphasis is mine)

My situation is not quite the same, but I can see some similarities between what you are facing and what I need to face differently.I have been spending this week delving into these ideas because I have a relationship where I need to learn how to deal with someone who is deeply unconscious and in the grip of her pain-body. Our dynamic of confrontation has been a cycle of blame and defensiveness for a number of years, and since I have always been relatively passive, she has been verbally and emotionally abusive and I have taken it because I am deeply connected to her child (who is very young). I'm not a complete doormat, but due to my upbringing, when the screaming begins, I freeze and have been unable to respond much beyond monosyllables.

We are each dealing with people who are unconscious. When they attack, it isn't THEM, it is the pain-body.

"It requires a high degree of Presence to avoid reacting when confronted by someone with such an active pain-body." [174}

To be honest, although I'm into chapter 6 now, I haven't gotten much further than that page, so there may still be further guidance, but I would like to share what I have come to at this point.

I love this person. When she is not in the claws of this horrible monster, she is one of the most wonderful people on this planet. When she is in this pain-body state, she is terrifying to me. And interestingly enough, just as I was beginning to feel like I had a clue about being Present, a situation has flared between us where it is highly likely that the next time we are in the same physical location, her pain-body is going to come after me, hard.

I have decided that, should this occur, I will do all that I can and use every trick that I know to remain embodied and Present with her. (I usually disassociate in conflict) Should things escalate to where she begins her screaming, I will tell her that I love her, that I wish to work through this problem, but that her screaming verbal abuse and unacceptable. I am leaving. And I will have to walk out and leave.

I'm trying to not go into the future, here, but the fact is that I need to have a game plan for this situation. My suspicion is that she'll follow me out, screaming, as she's done it to others. I choose to see HER - the true HER - with Compassion and I will NOT get into the blame, explain and defend game. Her pain-body will NOT want me to get away, because that is depriving it of the juice. We tend to use email a lot, so I will probably send a note explaining why I left and what my limits are for interacting with her.

Since I am the one who is awakening, it is my responsibility to set appropriate boundaries for how I am willing to be treated. Allowing this behavior to continue is poison to BOTH of us. I know that I can't change her or her behavior, but I can change how I am with her.

So I don't know if you see your SIL in my friend. I don't know if this is enough of an answer for me, let alone any kind of help for you! But if it helps.. or if it sparks any thougts and ideas in you, please share them. Thanks. T.

Ask her if you remind her of someone. It doesn't sound like she is seeing you rather a superimposed past someone or something (keeping in mind that negatively "triggered" people are not in present time). If she answers yes, then ask her to tell you about it and then simply acknowledge her response with a thank you. Another reason there will be an upset between two people is when there is a third party, in the background, nattering and complain and critisizing. That is to say, if someone seemingly has an upset with you they may have taken on someone esle's upset. Someone in the background negatively influencing your SIL. So, another question you might ask her, is there someone who is complaining about me or critisizing me to you. Two people will not fight unless there is a third someone or something influencing the area.

And....Do not take it personally...make it your mantra! One other trick that stops negative attacks from people dead in the destructive tracks is a simple statement - and that is - You are right! Negative identies must be right. Having to be right blocks a person's ability to observe the truth and obtain the pure, complete knowledge.

She is not seeing you - she is seeing the pictures in the theatre of her own mind - projecting them on to you - and then - attacking them. The trick is to find if out if she is the source of those pictures or is she sourcing them from someone or something else.

You can do these things if a relationship with her is important to you.....if not....just let her be right and go about your business of NOT TAKING IT PERSONALLY.

Ooops!

I had intended to also refer to this quote, too:

"The pain-body's unhappiness is always** clearly out of proportion** to the apparent cause." [http://P. 172|http://P. 172]

I should just refer you to the entirety of page 173, but the thing that leaps out at me is...

"Relatively insignificant things that someone else would shrug off with a smile or not even notice become the apparent cause of intense unhappiness. THey are, of course, notthe true cause but **only act as a trigger.** They bring back to life the old accumulated emotion. The emotion then moves into the head and amplifies and energizes the egoic mind structures..... The triggering event or situation is then interpreted and reacted to through the screen of a heavily emotional ego. This is to say, its significance becomes **completely distorted.** [she looks] at the present through the eyes of the emotional past **within her.**"

and here's the big next line:

"In other words, what [she] see[s] and experience[s] is not in the event or situation, but **within her.**" [173] (emphasis is mine)

If one can remain Present with someone so trapped like this... then remember to hold onto the reality of what you are experiencing and reflect back what you feel honestly.

"I'm very confused. I don't understand why you are so upset and I need your help. Can you explain to me what made you so upset?"
or
"Your tone of voice is scaring me. Perhaps we should take some time to calm down and then discuss this later?"

Does this make sense?