Peace, love, and understanding. Oh my, you have alot to contend with. It's hard for any one to advise others but in your heart you will find the answers. Sounds like you have tried inaction. Perhaps action is now required. When you are ready you will know. Hopefully, before tradgedy occurs.

I was raised by my grandmother. So, when my children were very young it was important for me to try and keep my family together. I stayed with their father who was into drinking and prescription meds. Along with those activities comes many more awful abusive episodes. Drinking and drugs are selfish behaviors and make a good family life virtually impossible.

By what you wrote you have tried. Don't be so hard on yoursself. Don't take on the weight of this burden all by yourself. I didn't catch your daughters age (teen ager) but she is old enough to understand that her father's behavior isn't your fault. I finally had to leave because I discovered it wasn't as important for my children to have both parents as it was for them to live in peace. I didn't want them to observe and feel that what was happening was acceptable or that they/we deserved to live this way.

I was remorse/saddened by my seeming failure for years and had a tendency to beat up on myself throughout my life. I eventually came to feel/recognize that "EVERYTHING' was not my fault nor did I have to try to handle it. How do you go on?
The answers come and there are many people out there who would help you.Faith in God, a Higher Power, or Creator always helps.

My children are now grown and on their own. The eldest respects and admires me. When you act out of love, your children will eventually realize your true intentions. He too, was in Iraq. I know full well what you mean when you say we hold our breath till they return. We were fortunate.


Your answers and courage will come. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself. Love and blessings.

Hi Lyn,

It sounds as if you could use some time alone. A significant amount of time alone. And when I say alone, I mean ALONE, perhaps on a retreat where you see people rarely. Have you ever flown on a commercial jet? They go through the safety speech and say, "In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin air pressure, place the mask on your own face before helping those around you." It sounds like you have nothing in you to help anyone else. If you are the most conscious of the bunch, perhaps you might wish to consider a few weeks away to gather strength so that you can have a little strength to lend to others occasionally. I also suggest that you find a meditation teacher (Insight or Vipassana) and begin a daily meditation practice. This will help give you the inner strength to maintain your own space when others want to crowd you. Take up yoga, even if it is doing it by tapes from the library.

It sounds so much like you are never alone, even when your family is not there with you. You are JUST AS IMPORTANT as your husband and your daughter. You are not just Mom and Wife, you are a Being in your own right. Take some time for yourself...you've had a loss of cabin air pressure, place the mask over your own face so you can have oxygen to help others get their oxygen masks in place.

In love and peace,
Someone else who went through loss of cabin pressure...and came out of it much healthier!

There is a little girl inside you that needs healing. Be as kind and gentle with her as you would with any other little girl in a painful situation. I raised a teenage daughter and I used to say as a joke that there is a special legion of angels set aside in heaven just to help parents of teenagers, but I'm starting to thinking that there may be some truth there. It's a tough time for all. But I am so excited to see that you are making an effort to work it out and find the answers. This is just my thought, but I believe that when we try to heal ourselves, powers in the universe jump in and help. You are never, ever alone.

Hi Lyn

When I read this book (am now reading it again for the second time) I was feeling really exhausted. I realized I needed to take time for myself cause it's really not easy seeing ourselves and others. Be Good to yourself. Take time to Be with Nature, maybe make a puzzle with a good cup of green tea. It's not always easy but always remember you are not alone we are all connected in some way.

Take Care
Love

Thank you all for such wonderful posts. I was feeling sorry for myself & wished to be seen... silly ego. Its horrible to witness your ego & really hard to apologize to those when i react with ego. I just wanted to let you all know.. your words were really wonderful. Its funny.... over the last 4 years .... i would take deep breaths in order to center myself and calm the anxiety of caring for everyone in my family... reading & hearing in this book.... that feeling and focusing on the breathing is a way of being present... and knowing that i have been doing this without even knowing it... its funny what we already know.. when we are still.

I am on my 2nd reading of this book also, the first time i read in just a few days, before class started and now i'm taking each chapter with each week.... the first time i had so much AHA's... and realization alot of how i've been most of my life & the way i have reacted has been alll about this. Now i know this 2nd reading is a bit on a deeper plane, as i know i have this huge wound within me that must be healed. Much from childhood..... and pain in not being seen or heard..... ignored.... and new pain from the last few years of this most immense intense pressure of a gazillion things & directions. I just wanted to let those of you know that i am taking space & time for myself now... we no longer own the business that i got lost in, my husband is workin on staying away from drugs & alcohol... i have my own bedroom which is a place of sanctuary for me, not sure if i will forever live in that room away from my husband or if i will find my way back to him, it is very nice to have a place to go be with myself.

Someone asked how old my teenager is....... she is 15.. a much bigger improvement than when she was 13, she is growing & i am grateful & thankful for that .. i need to keep being there for her & teaching her to grow & not live negatively (part of those teen years)... she is also my 3rd teenager... and my youngest child... my oldest is 28, the one who returned from afghanistan is 23 (and i've had to also worry about his mental state from time to time since he's been home too).. my job & purpose in life is being present & helping all those who count on my words & love. I am no angel..i have my moments & get really exhausted & frustrated from time to time wondering if i'm giving proper guidance or if from time to time i must be reactive.. hard to decide sometimes whether i'm reacting or acting. With my oldest i did react from ego & from frustration of not knowing how to raise a child, my 3rd child has it easier because i am more okay with relaxing with her lessons.

I am trying to let go of my story... but as long as i need to heal, i also need to deal with those triggers that cause me pain & cause my ego to step in. i need to witness those moments. I chose to stay with my husband because in his soul he is a wonderful human, and needs me to be there for him to heal also... it gets hard sometimes not to 'hate' that which needs me. icky label 'hate', but still it exists with love sometimes? i dunno. JUST thank you... i know my message was a bit of a downer... i just want answers on these 'roles' that we dont necessarily identify with, but as a responsibility to all those around us .. we must fulfill.

Chapter 4? Chapter 5.... and other books.. i have been reading many for the last few years. My husband saw a piece on pbs, with Wayne Dyer... and said he would like to read his book "change your thoughts... something about the tao".... it is a light at least that there is a possibility he will venture into this self-help realm of awakening....
Thank you for all your wonderful words... everyone... i am feeling less lonely at the moment !!

Hi lynchconsu, I am going to say this in a kind understanding way "You need to take care of YOU! First of all, please see your doctor. Depression is a serious matter. You asked "how can I continue to survive caring for everyone around me" You cannot even though you feel you have to ,you can only take care of YOU! If I were you, I would see my doctor about the depression, then get involved in a support group such as AlAnon or one for Narcotics, one that deals with people in your situation. This will not be a pity get together. In a group you can learn from others, you can take what you need and leave the rest. Often people in your situation share what they are going through and tools they've found through the 12 step program that have helped them, this in turn will help you. Next I would go to your local library and go over the Self Help books, find a few and read them. You also said you"chose to stay with my husband because in his soul he is a wonderful human, and needs me to be there for him to heal also... " You don't understand , you cannot heal him. He needs to heal himself. The best thing you can do to heal him is heal yourself. I know this sounds harsh,but honestly it's the truth. And remember no man is worth your life. If you have those suicidal feeling, call someone immediatly! Don't try to compress these feeling, you do need help. God Bless you On Your Journey!

Hi luvuorpah,

Not to worry.. all will be fine.... to live or not to live it is a question we ask ourselves throughout life at different times. I've contemplated it my whole life... (however i never choose it.. at least yet) its a thought that comes over you when you feel you can't go there any more... it usually passes. But i keep it as a 'path' to choose someday if i get tired of playing this life game.... if i'm old & grey & living under a bridge perhaps.... we live in a world that chooses not to care for those in need... so maybe i'll reserve my choice for OLDER age.
this of course is said in jest.... however it is always an option. It is also the need to live & be there for my children to grow up & leave home.. that i choose not to take my life.. someone is still NEEDing me. If i were to leave ... what would become of them. It is my responsibility as 'mom' .. it is a commitment i made to raise them. To be there for them, until they no longer need me. That is what raising children is...... a commitment. No matter how your children may treat you, you have to stay one step above them in maturity & life's lessons... so we can pass on our wisdom... hoping their paths will be better. But we can't cure the suffering...... some suffering, but everyone will suffer.... we are supposed to suffer some. We might even 'consider' suicide at times.... homicide too.. these are lessons for us to get through. We need to be healthy, but we can't always be. We have to be able to pick ourselves up after we fall. We need to be able to try again. We need to continue to learn.. to grow.. to BE and to share.

when i said i needed to be there for my husband...... to heal........... it was not to say 'i needed to heal him'.... i was referring to being committed to being there for him..... providing him 'myself'.... as he heals.... for him to heal... hoping he will heal himself. A marriage commitment means to be there through the good & the bad.... as long as i can stand it. technically speaking. If he is totally oblivious and not growing... 18 years of living this crap would have gotten old, however there is growth.. it is slow... but it is there.... sometimes 2 steps forward, one step back..... sometimes 2 back. It is a decision we all should make as to is this a person and marriage that has meaning & merit.... if it does... is it possible for me to provide the 'space' for him to grow. I grow.. and i am here for him to grow...... sometimes tho... its hard to take on an addict or stubborn unconscious person by just 'being' there for them.. sometimes you have to fight goliath & its difficult. Difficult to grow when your STANDING up for yourself & your life, and really hard right after you've finished the stand... there is a healing time. This book is helping me to put into perspective what parts are my ego, vs what parts did i have to become an unreasonable ugly person to stand up to a difficult person. It is for them to decide, but in a committed relationship that means something... sometimes you have to be willing to go the extra ugly mile to help..... sometimes you have to know when to walk. I was referring to him as someone who's worthy of my effort.. as are my children... which can be very draining at times, especially during the teenage years.

I have been on a spiritual/self-help journey for many years.... but i'm really looking hard at my ego & my shadow right now. Making sure what is what. Somedays depression is there, some days its not. I do not wish for any drugs for depression, i dont believe in it... unless there is a true imbalance... i believe life is depressing.... especially when your in your midlife.... look at all of us who are having issues with our husbands. Some of that is because as women, our job is to nurture & care for all of those around us. Not that i've identified with it you see, it can be draining at times.

To me having suicidal feelings is quite normal ..... acting upon it is another story. Wanting to quit life from time to time is part of the suffering process... and even the dialogue that goes on in our minds. So i disagree with your telling me to immediately seek help..... i need to be still with myself Not all counselors, 12 step programs, or psychiatrists are an answer unless YOU feel you need one. I need myself & occasionally to vent outside myself. Which is what i did here on that low day.... the book is helping to bring some of these thoughts out... in me... as i look at & observe myself.

Thank you for your words tho... it is appreciated that you cared enough to stop by & leave me this message.