To Whom It May Concern:

As a nursing student in my second semester I was taking a break in the nurse's lounge and found myself speaking to one of the staff whom had been working there. Something she said stuck in my: "you're young, there are people out there who can help you with your goal, and all these churches around here have programs to help people all the time." That stuck in my mind and now a little over a couple years later I have finally found myself coming into full awareness by what she meant. I've tried on my own to get to the places I'm trying to reach. And I've failed. It was as though everything I was trying to accomplish was in vain. And on top of that I had been suffering from issues of depression, self-hate and neglect since I was much younger and these issues peaked in my teenage and high school years.

Right now, I am 22 years old and a junior in college. I chose to stay home in Jacksonville instead of going away to school because of the failure I had experienced in the past with social situations. This has proved to be a misguided decision and has served to only retard my growth and ability to realize my potential. I had yearned passionately for someone to take notice of my potential. Yet I did not have the support nor backing from the people closest to me nor did I have a church or guidance from school officials. No one noticed how depressed and alone I was and felt. I contemplated suicide daily. But the only thing that held me back from doing that to myself was the fact that I knew God had a plan for me. The only thing I needed to do was to find help! I remember asking my parents at a very young age of 6 or 7 to "invest in me!" What child says something like that to their parents? I knew from a young age that I was so much more than just the child of my parents. And that the talent and gifts I possess will go on to serve generations. Not just myself or my family.

Yet, my parents either ignored or neglected my pleas and I went on to live in fear and doubt with irrational hatred of myself and my life. Its root causes all started with feeling like my goals, volitions and innermost desires had gone overlooked. And here I am now...Everyday is still a struggle. I've been tied down for so many years to the battle against depression and self-destructive emotions and behaviors. The thing I am very proud of though is that I never got involved in any crime, injustice, inappropriate sexual behavior or negative actions towards others. To this date I have never been in any trouble besides one speeding ticket and I still hold my precious virginity. I believe that my body truly is a temple and tribute to God. But all my life I feel like I was being punished for things that I've never done and for simply just being alive and wanting the best for myself.

Growing up with the constant ridicule and projected fear of an abusive parent who only perpetuated a cycle of insecurity and wasted potential, I grew deeper and deeper into a sorry mental state full of self-loathing and self-denial of happiness. I simply felt that I did not deserve to be happy despite anything I've ever done good or right in my life. And slowly fell into a state of accepting less for myself. I had fell victim to the ills of mediocrity and complacency. My life gradually became stagnant. That, fortunately for me is in the past. The past might very well be as close as yesterday but it still remains my past. I am in a state of mind where I know that I will never make it anywhere in life if I don't stop the negativity now.

But from my past I can say that I've been so riddled with fear and doubt that I didn't feel like I deserved to be helped. I felt like I could not even begin to ask God for help, because somewhere deep inside me a voice would always rise from my deepest fears and tell me that I did not deserve to be happy and that I don't deserve the love and help from anyone, and especially not God. I've quieted that voice now. And thanks to the help of family and friends, I've bounced back from what seemed like an endless cycle of depression and failure. I remember asking my parents to give me help...be it financial investment, emotional support or psychological counseling and they failed to provide me with the attention I felt I needed in order to actualize my thoughts and ideas; Maybe not because they didn't want to, maybe because they couldn't afford to. I don't know. I think everyday how my life would have been different had I had the support and guidance to truly follow my dreams.

Much like a mixture of the young women depicted in W.E.B. Dubois' The Souls of Black Folk and Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye, I had felt like I was trapped in self-hate and had to take up the reigns and somehow be a caregiver in my family. And all while wasting my own potential and falling victim to the evils associated with self-loathing. Well it's no time left to contemplate on the past and I know now that I can't go back in time and change what happened. Everyday I gather the strength to let go of my past failures, and nor do I hold grudges against my parents or the people around me at the time because people try to do their best but sometimes fall short. I'm still alive and I'm much older now, equipped with the blessing of God to recognize that I need to let people know what's going on with me and never back down from asking for help.

And now as an adult I can't quite get over and shake this feeling that I am so lost and behind, that I am so far away from my true goals, but recognizing that fact is beyond a doubt progress. I have a dream and academic goal of going abroad and away from home to attain a true 4-year university education. I want to feel totally refreshed and start over from scratch, getting out-of-debt and making a difference in the world. Yet I'm drowning in debt, virtually jobless and feel like a cornered rat with no where to turn. I've never had the ability to really see beyond myself until late. My Mother instilled in me the drive to always be independent and never to depend on any man or person for my own success or happiness. But beyond that I truly and honestly have hit a wall, a true dead end. My finances are exhausted and my family members have their own financial troubles and issues to worry about. I was always so afraid to ask any one for help because of past failures, disappointments, denials and ridicule from the people closest to me. I had been afraid in the past to even ask God for help.

But now I recognize that God is there for me, or else I would have never made it this far even to recognize that I was suffering needlessly. From my standpoint, my life had no appeal, no joy and definitely no happiness. From the outside though, it appeared to be pretty good. I am a young academically talented registered nurse of two years. I don't have any dependents and I've been able to find success in many arenas, except where it meant the most to me-attaining an extremely high level of education. So, from there my life really started to unravel. I couldn't make any progress in the areas where I felt I needed it the most. I attempted to make changes but somehow I would always backtrack and backslide into a crippling, deep depression and cycle of self-hate and denial.

I am truly blessed to have awoken from such a paralyzing, exhausting and unfulfilling sleep. I would go to bed early and wake up late, tired and questioning why I had not fallen dead in my sleep. I constantly asked: "Why am I still alive? And, why am I continuing to suffer everyday with a life that seems like its going no where, fast." That's truly the affect of denied desires and crushed dreams. I felt like all the energy I had put towards doing the things I wanted to do have been fizzled out by some life-sucking outside force upon me. I was truly a walking dead. My life felt as though I had been watching others enjoy pleasure and that I would never be a part of, never a member of that crowd-thus my feelings of death while alive. I was alive, but definitely not living. I had a horribly heavy weight on my shoulders, a terrible guilt and an unending irrational fear of life. Will you help me? The one question I had been afraid of asking, fearing the answer would perpetually be no. That fear has subsided and now here I am asking: "Can anyone hear me? I am asking with the capacity of my being, heart and soul, Will you help me, please?"

Sincerely with gratitude,

Reach4Self

P.S. I am hoping that by this correspondence I can get in touch with the right people who can assist me in turning my life into a true success story. I am not looking for any handouts or to scam or take advantage of anyone. Success is when hard work meets opportunity. I believe in hard work and it's not always what you know but who you know, and how you utilize the knowledge you can gain from others.