My Mom has Alzheimers and we all look back to how this started.
She had a series of min-strokes in 1996 and was in the hospital for
about four days. She got over it-but we found notes where she was writing everything down
to remember. She was also taking care of my Dad that died in 2001.
We all thought it was depression and things just go worse. She would
also having a hard time with her balance-and when I picked her up one day
after she fell to get the paper-she lashed out at me. "I can do it myself!"
I let her get up by herself and she was ok. " I can do it and leave me alone!!!!
Then, she did not have enough money. She did-but was telling everyone in
town that Jack had left her with nothing. Why???? They all do this+ they cannot
keep up with time. Ask your Mom what time it is??? What day is it Mom?????
Watch your mom read the paper and then have her tell you what she is reading.
With Mom, she knew something was wrong and was scared. She was
running around like a frightened animal because she knew she could not remember-
and she knew the reason. Take your Mom to a neurologist for evaluation and
remember-don't try to argue with her. Remember, in their minds we are still
teens are not grown up. Hoped I have helped some.
Sincerely,
attla53

Thanks for your response. I've never participated in an on-line discussion before, but I think it will be helpful. It's easy to feel lost sometimes. I appreciate your suggestion that I take my mom to a neurologist, and I wish it were that easy. The will that my mother drew from in order to raise and educate my brother and me has become a tool that she uses, ironically, to, what? keep her fears at bay? to avoid what she won't face or mistrusts? I don't know, but she has always been so stubborn, and had healthy applications for her will; now she uses it to reject things that might help. She will not go to a neurologist. She won't take Aricept. She thinks those things aren't relevant to her. She still drives, the occasional short trip. She can still balance her check book, and takes great pride in that. She has always kept a calendar, which helps, but I've watched her stare at it blankly for the longest time. She still does a pretty good job managing her medicines, although it now takes forever for her to arrange them in her pillbox. But I mourn the loss of the mom I enjoyed so much. We were once so close.Talking to her is a much different experience now, because she's forgotten whatever was said a moment later. I don't know how to help her, when she refuses it with such vigor, but can I just sit back and watch her fade away? Mother often tells me I'm her best friend, but I feel that I'm letting her down. Over a year ago I mentioned in front of her doctor my concern over her memory issues. He stated that he has made the same observation. She was furious with us both, and felt that we had betrayed her. My entire life my mom has been a strong-willed person, not inclined to change, not open-minded, and she is still that person. She fights me at every suggestion, even when the idea was originally hers. I have no idea where to go, or how to go, from here. I do thank you, though, for your response, and wish you well with your mom.

katylane48

This is certainly a trying time for you. Having been there until a year ago when I lost my mom at 82, I know that feeling of wanting to "make it better" and at the same time "wanting to run away". Your mom sounds like she was a very strong and take charge woman in her prime (as was mine). Can you imagine how hard it is for her to hold on to that, as you can be sure she does want to very badly. It's her lifeline, her dignity at stake here. In all of her confusion, you can bet that she knows what she once was, that strong, independent woman who forged ahead despite challenging circumstances and did what she had to do. Here's what I did and it helped. I sat down with my mom during one of those times when she was comfortable with herself and not sparring with me. I told her how much I appreciated everything she had ever done for me, that she truly was (and is) the wind beneath my wings. I told her I wanted to have her for a long, long time, both physically and emotionally, and would she do this for me, FOR ME, because I still needed her and this is the way we can have more meaningful, fun times together. Keep a journal with her. Let her "see" her progress she has made by taking her meds. She still cares about her appearance. UNBELIEVABLY WONDERFUL! Take her to a local dept. store, play with new makeup, take her to lunch, laugh a lot with her, read to her, share your thoughts with her. She is scared. She is afraid she is losing herself and her place in your life. Please act out of love and not fear. It is the greatest gift you can give to both of you. I, too, snapped at my mother towards the end of her life. She fought me tooth and nail. She resented that I had become her "mother" so to speak. I put my arms around her and told her that she taught me so well how to nurture and love and that was what I was doing - - - giving back to her as best as I could all the love and gentleness I knew how to give. Those words really,really helped. We had a song we would sing together in the car,"Sweet Caroline" and I sang it to her in her last minutes of life. And if you're feeling badly and guilty about being abrupt with her, please don't. You are human. But tell her that. Now is the time to say everything you need to. Tell her you're sorry that at times you say things that hurt her, that it's your frustration speaking. Tell her all the love that is in your heart. I promise you, when the time comes that you no longer have your precious mother you will feel she truly is at peace, and you will be glad. Sounds as if your mom instilled in you some wonderful values and a strong love. Good luck to you. God bless.

I just wanted to touch upon the fact that you live 200 miles away. That's so difficult. Have you looked into support groups near mom's home? Her doctor must know of some, and perhaps then she will not feel so alone. Your mom will remember, at times, the things you have said to her. Keep saying them because she does hear them and will pull them up from time to time. Her anger at you, I know, is a real burden for you emotionally. But it's not her. It's her illness. It would be good for you, too, to join a support group for children of Alzheimer's patients. You know, a visiting nurse could make sure she gets her required meds and handle it in a way you can't - - - because it's you, her daughter, doing the caring. Please take care of yourself first. I hope these suggetions help even a bit.

I'm deeply moved by your compassion and empathy, and feel that I've been heard. Thank you. Thank you for the reminder that this is what my mother needs, and what I've not been doing so well lately. I will approach my next visit, just a few days from now, feeling back on track, and much more at peace, and will, I hope, bring her the same comfort that your words have brought me. Thank you.

Hi Katylane...

I recently logged my story on "coping with Aging parents" link. I just now viewed your posting from February. I swear to you....your description of your mom is EXACTLY the same as mine! It is scary!! Add an OCD component and we could have the very same mother.

Since you are a few blocks ahead of me on this journey, I'd love to know how you are doing now. I have the advantage of living a few miles from my mom, but this scenario does add more guilt that I am never doing enough. Have you worked out what is your responsibility, what is her choice and what is God's will? I have had so many people tell me that I am an "enabler." That I need to let mom make her own choices...even if it is eating only soup and oatmeal...as she is still only moderately impaired. I have been told over and over that one day a pivotal event will happen that will clearly justify my "taking over." I can't seem to deal with the "waiting for the other show to drop". I feel compelled to be there for her thoughout the day and evening. To feed her every night and entertain her by watching TV, etc. every night. I feel guilty that some nights I just want to sit home with my husband. I feel so selfish especially since she had done so much sacrificing for me when I was a child. The guilt clouds my thinking, I know. But, I don't know what direction to take and it is driving me nuts and making me depressed and a tad bit angery that she won't LET me help her in the way I really feel is best.

If you are still checking in, I hope to learn of a path of peace that you may have found.....