My parents found out I am gay, now they are taking me to court to get custody of my children

lbishop121
Level 1

Posted on Oct 26, 2009 12:21 AM


I am a single mom of 3 girls. My ex-husband has supervised visitation. My parents found out that I am gay and are taking me to court to remove my children from me. I am scared. These girls are all I have. I also believe that my children are not emotionally damaged because I am gay, and in fact them being ripped from me is more damaging.
Let me give you a little background. I have been with my partner for 8 years. The bad part is 6 of those years neither my daughters or my parents knew she was living here at the house with us. I did this because I knew if they found out they would try to take my kids and I felt that the girls were too young to understand, I also had to deal with my ex-husband who was abusive to my middle daughter. My oldest two daughters have PTSD and I do my best to provide a stable environment for them. During the past 6 years my parents have helped me take care of them, but over time they started taking more responsibilities from me. They are over at their house from 6 in the morning to approximately 7:30 at night.

This didn't happen overnight. My mother didn't like the fact that the girls were tardy to school so she insisted that she was taking them. Then my youngest didn't like getting up in the morning an d getting dressed for me, but she listened to my dad. So because there are three girls I would dress two and one would leave in the morning to get dressed at her house. Before, I knew it all of them were getting dressed over there. At first, I was dressing them and then she would pick them up. Then she decided that she would just get them at the same time. She also said that she didn't like the way I ironed clothes, washed clothes etc. so she would do their laundry. In fact, when I did their laundry she would yell at me. She would make excuses that her way is better and I should do it that way because it is best for the girls. I made a mistake and didn't remove the seeds from a green pepper and the girls didn't eat their lunch, I asked her to show me how to fix it but she refused and said she would just do it. I used to get off work at 7:00 pm and my parents said that it would be to hard on them to do homework this late and it would be to late for them to eat. This past February I switched jobs and I get off work by 4:00. They asked that I keep the routine the same because it again is beneficial for the girls. I offered to come over to their house and help with homework and my mother said that I would just be in the way. This summer I worked at a Youth Center and offered to take the kids with me to work, and they said that it would hurt them to be around "those type of kids." At the time they were at a Christian School and they didn't want them to be around public school kids. Also during a family trip to Disney World I caught my daughter biting herself and she said it was because she liked the pain, I told my parents my concerns and that I felt she should have an appointment made with her therapist but, they were too worried about them going to counseling and didn't want me taking them to the doctor. During this time, they would put the fact that I live in the house they own, drive the van they own (I do make payments on both) and that they pay my attorney fees so to protect my children I have to do it their way. Unfortunately, I did. Now it looks like I can't take care of my children.

I also want to say it is not because I didn't try. I begged them to allow the girls to get dressed here. I told them that they can get their baths at home. My daughters told me that they were hungry and weren't getting enough food because their grandmother rushes them in the morning, I got up and made them muffins the next morning and my mother called and yelled at me this went on for 2 days over some muffins. This past weekend, my daughters were yelling and crying saying that I don't love them because I don't let them do their homework here. My parents gave in and let them bring it home for me to do. Shortly after my dad called me and said that it was in their best interest to have them continue doing it at their house because I go to night classes two nights out of the week. I would try to buy their school clothes but she wouldn't take my money. When I bought their clothes she criticized it and said that it wasn't good enough. They punish my girls by not allowing them to come home, when I questioned this I was told that I need to support them because they have to have a punishment that they will listen to them I do not go to clubs or anywhere other than work and school without at least one of my girls. As soon as I get off of work I go home and wait until they will be allowed to come home. I am a full time student and have a job as well. I am trying to make changes in my life that will allow me to provide for my children.

I am not saying I am perfect, I have my faults. There was an instance where the cat didn't use the litter box and urinated on my daughters jeans, instead of my daughter grabbing clean jeans for some reason she got the ones from the bathroom. That same cat will use the bathtub if I don't get to the litter box everyday or if it is outside drying. When this happens (and it is not often, I have learned to clean it twice a day). I also do not have a immaculate house like my mother, so she views it as filthy. There were times when my girls were telling me that they brushed their teeth and they were lying. They would also tell me that they got their baths at my moms and they didn't. I also didn't let them in my bedroom because I had someone livng in there that they didn't know about. When they thought they saw my partner my partner would hide really quick and I would let them in. I told my daughters that I wouldn't let them in my room because it was my space. This is also where I keep medicines and cleaners in there. I actually stopped allowing them in here when one of my daughters was two (before my partner lived here), she got a hold of Ben-Gay thinking it was lotion. She applied it all over her legs. Since then, I have not allowed them in here.

Five weeks ago my neighbor who new that my partner was living here got drunk and told my dad. I said I was gay and I decided to tell my eleven year old daughter. She is accepting the change as best as she can.

I have received papers that they are taking me to court for custody. I do not want to lose my girls. I understand that in Texas they can not use the fact that I am gay against me, but they can claim emotional well being.

My oldest two children go to their house for overnight visits approximately twice a week (their choosing) although this hasn't happened in about 6 weeks. My youngest daughter wants to come home as soon as possible and never wants to stay the night there.

I do not feel my parents are emotionally stable to raise my girls. For instance, when my mother found out I smoked she drove to the bad side of town with the windows rolled down hoping to be shot. I allowed my daughter to wear black nail polish over the summer. She accused her of not being a Christian and disappointing God. She also said that she wasn't welcome at her house until she took it off, then it escalated to taking her allowance and her friends. She broke her down until she gave in to what she wanted. There are instances that she will yell for no reason, or break down in tears. What is going to happen if one of my daughters turn out gay or is a teen pregnancy? My parents say horrible things about myself and my ex-husband to the children even going so far as to "joke" with my daughters about killing my ex-husband. There was a poisonous fish and she told my daughters that she would get my ex to touch it. I told her that this wasn't right and that she can't do it. When my daughter said something to him about it my mother wanted to punish her, she admitted to him that she said these things to my daughters. Granted he and I do not have the best of relationships but I do not talk about him to them. He also has a MySpace page and I will say that it was interesting (he was cheating on his wife) I didn't check it every minute like she did. She is obsessed with finding out what he is doing and where he is doing it. She has also called his job and reported his behaviors to his supervisors. She did all of this knowing that if he was fired I would lose his child support.This is not a stable environment for my children to be in. I have told her time and time again that this isn't healthy to live her life in hate and she said that she is keeping up with him to "protect the girls" and I am not paying the attorney fees she is. My daughter has been bullied at school for the past four years. I have wanted to pull her out of that Christian School because of this. Whenever it was brought up she would say that she wouldn't want to move schools because of the carpooling. This past month after I told her that my daughter could be suicidal and it would be her fault she finally agreed.

My ex-husband is willing to say that they shouldn't have the children either. I know this is not a normal situation. I am asking for prayers and any advice one may have.
Replies: 24
taratuna
Level 5
16. Re: My parents found out I am gay, now they are taking me to court to get custody of my children
Oct 29, 2009 8:14 AM   |   In response to: lbishop121


good morning, Your Mom called for one reason, imo.....she wanted to push her anger and neg. energy at you....and I see no reason you have to speak to her...very soon, you all will be in court....per my exp....if you allow her to vent her anger toward you, prior to the court hearing...you give her an advantage and you loss ground....regarding inner peace....not being mean...but, your Mom's anger and neg. energy is hers....and that is what she chooses...so, consider not speaking to her....before the court date....she I believe has been controlling you most of your life....she thinks she knows best....and if you don't speak to her before the court....her anger will build...and that is to your advantage...and by not speaking to her...you will have peace and enter the court room...feeling loving, confident and strong...

Note: I believe all of this is about your Moms loss of control over you...ha, you grew up and started to live your own life...that is what children are to learn from their parents...how to be decent adults...and take responsibility for Self...and now...your Mom...wants to control you...through your daughters......she never let the dr. cut the cord...when you were born...and now...the cord is in her mind....some parents never want their children to grow up....I hope this makes sense...

consider sticking to the current facts...and how you plan to care for your girls...the past is dead and gone....let your Mom..take the topic...to past problems per her perception...the judge will set her straight or put her in contempt...I wish your Mom well...and I hope she releases her anger....and lives in joy and peace...but, that is her choice...relax...and take care of self...be your best...and stay calm...

ps. don't worry about tears in the court room...the judge understands emotions...but the judge...will not tolerate your Mom's anger or neg. attitude...just my thoughts....best wishes...tt

my motto: avoid toxic relationships, at all cost...regardless of who they are....

lbishop121
Level 1
17. Re: My parents found out I am gay, now they are taking me to court to get custody of my children
Oct 29, 2009 10:06 PM   |   In response to: taratuna

You are 100% right. She didn't get to me though, I thought it was rather funny. By the way if you want to know what is going on, I will be posting updates on twitter @2infandbeynd. If you click "follow me" you will get all of the updates.

taratuna
Level 5
18. Re: My parents found out I am gay, now they are taking me to court to get custody of my children
Oct 30, 2009 7:31 AM   |   In response to: lbishop121


Knowledge is power, she did not get your goat....great job....I can hear the delight in your words....

I would love to follow your story on twitter, but I do not do twitter, or know how....I am old..ha, ha...send me a private message on the message boards...just letting me know...you and your angel girls are doing great...if you so choose....oh yeah, in a sense we are strangers...but in spirit form...we could be old friends...take care...tt

lbishop121
Level 1
19. Re: My parents found out I am gay, now they are taking me to court to get custody of my children
Oct 30, 2009 6:45 PM   |   In response to: lbishop121

Cout has now been moved to November 13th evidently my ex husband wasn't served correctly. His attorney was not present so it was moved. Their attorney requested that they get temporary custody during this time but that was denied. The TRO was extended but they also have one now.

taratuna
Level 5
20. Re: My parents found out I am gay, now they are taking me to court to get custody of my children
Oct 31, 2009 7:20 AM   |   In response to: lbishop121

are you saying...you have custody of the girls? That is good news...all is as it should be....and God willing....could just be...your Mom...gets a clue...and finds love in her heart...before the trial....I have a feeling...she is going to not only lose her grand daughters...but her daughter as well...will she wake up in time??? that is up to her...I hope she does....grand parents are an important part of a childs life...WHEN THEY ARE LOVING AND POSITIVE....enjoy the weekend with your children...peace...

lbishop121
Level 1
21. Re: My parents found out I am gay, now they are taking me to court to get custody of my children
Nov 5, 2009 8:06 PM   |   In response to: taratuna

Sorry I am just now responding! I still have custody (I always have but they are trying ot take it). Here is another update. My mother called earlier today to say "thank you, she has lots of people calling her and my dad's work with support and prayer" (I find that odd because no where have I mentioned their names or contact information). Then when I spoke to her tonight she said that she doesn't care who I am sleeping with, I find that odd because if I was such an unfit mother than why didn't they do this sooner? Ok, I lied to my children. For their protection. My mother always said that she would take my kids out of sin if she found out I was gay. In my opinion, if I knew someone that was an unfit parent I would step in a lot sooner.

lsterlin
Level 0
22. Re: My parents found out I am gay, now they are taking me to court to get custody of my children
Nov 5, 2009 8:29 PM   |   In response to: wapossum

I completely agree on this issue of giving equal rights of marriage to same-sex couples. Maine's Catholic Governor signed into law this marriage equality law and then the homophobic, fear-mongering folks successfully repealed it through statewide referendum. This Wednesday after the election, a woman, who is lesbian told her story of her life partner of 20 plus years death last year. After her death, this woman was denied the right to plan her funeral, but rather was forced to track down her deceased partner's family to take care of the funeral arrangements. It's just wrong. WRONG! AND..what kind of message does this send to the thousands of children and youth living in loving homes with same-sex parents? No wonder we have children gay-bashing each other and kids as young as 9 and 10 killing themselves because of bias-based harassment. It breaks my heart.

taratuna
Level 5
23. Re: My parents found out I am gay, now they are taking me to court to get custody of my children
Nov 7, 2009 10:04 AM   |   In response to: lbishop121


hello lbishop, your post is confusing.....my intuition says: Mommy dearest is playing head games with you...since, in the past they served her well, in tripping you....there is only Now, and that is all that matters...not her opinions from past issues...ha, she is a hoot...if she were my Mom...the phone would cut out/off position...in the middle of a sentence...oh no...we got disconnected...LOL...

relax, stay calm and loving...all is well...tt

lbishop121
Level 1
24. Re: My parents found out I am gay, now they are taking me to court to get custody of my children
Nov 13, 2009 10:35 PM   |   In response to: taratuna


ahhhh the saga continues:

Well court was today, their attorney actually stood up and said that they are trying to intervene because the kids know I am gay. They used the fact that my ex abused the girls and the fact that I locked my bedroom door at night back in 2003 against me. They also used the fact that I kept my lover hidden. The case was extended, I still have custody once again they didn't get temporary custody. She did order psych evals all around. I have passed those before but they have never taken one. I think the judge is covering her basis before she completly dismisses but then again I am not a judge. But, for the people that were wondering what my parents were truly going after it is because I am gay. That was their standing. That my being gay is emotionally damaging.

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