Hi positivelm I found this letter cuz i was researching my addiction to food and wanted to email an encouraging letter to michael herbanko? splld wrong? and found you're posts on addictions to food. I hope you are doing well and know you are not alone. I am an alcoholic and former binge eater, although I'm recently sober from alcohol, and had two food binges a week ago, and all what I can think about is food lately. And I know I want it for COMFORT. Being in the early stages of addiction recovery I've been going through soooooo much, and food has always made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, like all those relationships Ive always dreamed would be like that that ive never had, lonliness another HUGE trigger in this obsessive, cunning, baffling disease.:(:( I want chocolate cakes, cookies, pizza, like crazy..uggh and I have terrible acne too, which has gotten worse bc I think ive done damage to my digestive organs so my body cant eliminate toxins and bacteria as well as it used to(never did it really well since adolescence). my skin breaks out like crazy, all over my face, body, even after small binges now, it used to not really ever after binges. uggh. What has helped me deal with my binge eating is meditation(helps me connect to my higher power and actually hear it clearer, it keeps me calmer as well), prayer, one on one therapy(i was court ordered after 2nd dwi and i discovered with her im bi polar 2 w ocd disorganized..this helped me understand my addictive behaviors as well.) On terms of understanding addictions and coping/healing for them day by day, overeaters anonymous and alcoholics anonymous can be INVALUABLE. It really helped me understand my diseases. I think you would really love OA, I bought the OA book recently and read that thing quicker than my AA big book. Researching the internet trying to find kindred spirits has been PRICELESS too. Thats how I found Micheal Herbanko and other morbidly obese and obese people w this disorder as well which helped me feel less ashamed. Also I've read cognitive therapy works good. And very recently I've heard that EMT work, and hypnotherapy can be miraculous. I read a story today i found on the internet of a woman who when hypnotized realized she was a indian in a past life who starved to death in the 1600s and sub consciencely put on weight in this life bc of survival fears. I know an incredible psychic/healer woman in my town who does EMT work and past-life regression, with people with painful obsessions, she helps war veterans with PTSD for free. I know of people that said it really works. I hope I didn't ramble on to much for you, I tend to do that. I will keep you in my meditation, wishing you health and happiness, and know you are not alone, I'm here fighting this fight with you everyday.In love and light always Susan.

Oh, I almost forgot, the other most common reason, a renowned psychic, said causes obesity, is if in ure last past life you ridiculed obese people, treated them in a hateful manner, thats why many obese people are born w/ obese/food addiction because they treated obese people w/ out kindness, love. And the other most common reason they said was guilt from overeating an a past life. Like, you were a overeater and gluttonous in a past life had so much guilt from it when you died that you were born into the exact same situation. Hope this has helped you. Love, Susan. Thats what I'm almost positive happened w me. I was gluttonous in a past life, and had so must guilt, unresolved issues, about it when I died, I reincarnated into the exact same predicament to really learn the purpose and lesson, this time around.:) Hope this helped you, Bye again, Love Susan.

Hi Susan,

Thank you for responding. Your writing was clear and easy to read. I have tried everything, AA, OA. FA, Alanon. They are wonderful support groups and help many people. I can get myself to one and participate, but, the minute I am alone again the problem begins. I come home to my empty house, (and a cat). It is horrible, my home is my own prison, once I get in the house, it starts, When I am out of my house with people I feel happy and generally food is the furthest thing from my mind! The addiction starts when I am alone in my house. How does one not go home? I have to go home it is unavoidable! An alcoholic does not have to drink, but cannot avoid going home. It is such a terrible feeling. I feel so alone and something takes over. It is now worse because after 15 yrs at the same job I am unemployed, and do not have to get up in the morning. My eating begins between 8:30 and 9:00 PM everything. I am powerless. I have tried everything. I hate living this way, eating the majority of the night, of course not sleeping well, so I wake up hungover from eating. Sounds crazy but it is a horrible way to be living. I believe it has something to do with being alone in my house at night, probably reminds me of a lot of the pain I felt in childhood. What can I do? Again, I hate living this way, but what do I do, sleep in my car all night, cant just pop up at anyones house and ask if I may sleep there. After reading this if you or anyone has a solution(s) for me, please let me know. I have a bizarre affliction, that I cannot fix.

Home is your prison because you make it your prison. I am not saying this to be sacastic, cute or cruel but rather because I KNOW and have been there. I am an addict. If you ask a medical professional I am labeled anorexic with bulemic tendencies or struggles with a variety of disordered eating behaviors tending towards anorexic behavior. In OA I introduce myself as a compulsive eater; I say this because no matter whih way I bend/the scale tips (ha, ha) I do not have a "normal" relationship with food. In fact, having a relationship with food is abnormal! My journey has been long and some days seems quite impossible. I can remember doing "weird stuff" or having abnormal thoughts regarding food and self image as early as 6 years old. I just turned 33 and am pregnant with me third child--and I struggle everyday.

You are right in some respects to say a food addict is not the same as an alcoholic because an alcoholic can put the drink down; however, fitting into both catagories I'll argue that putting ANY addictive behavior down is difficult, demands rigorous honestly, daily work, and continuous surrender. True we need food to survive. It would be so much easier if I didn't have to eat (or so I think)--but if this were the case only the symptom would change.

I am powerless over food. I have to remind myself this daily. I have to remember that I can not--no matter how much I know, ready, study, go through therapy, figure this out. In fact the harder I try to "figure it out and be normal the worse off I become. I have to remember--during good and bad days--my reality. And mostly I have to accept my reality. I cannot compare myself to others nor can I expect more from myself than I would another. I am a perfectionist--a character defect I contantly duel with.

I hate to do/say this but I must say goodbye for now. I have a discontentedd toddler to attend to! But this is also my reality. Thank you for sharing and please continue to do so. One important thing to remember is that you are not alone--even when you are "alone in your home"--through OA and other mediums you can always connect with someone. Remember--are you willing to do whatever it takes? I hate it when my sponsor says this to me--I hate it because she is right. There are options--I don't necessarily like them all but I do not need to be stuck or feel alone. My road down recovery has not been easy and is never over nor is it always moving forward but I am a better place today than I was 5 years ago, 3 years ago--you get the picture . . . and I always tell myself it is NOT about perfection--HELL, I can't even define perfection!

Good luck. And go back to a meeting. Baby steps. Progress.

Hello my dear positivelm,

You do not have a bizarre affliction, in fact, you are quite normal. Normalle. Everyone craves to be loved and to love. That is a universal need just like breathing. Know and feel that you are not alone. You have you.

My years of being lonely caused me to go into relationships that did not honor me. I did not honor me for I didn't want to live with me. I wanted to always live with someone. Of course it's the best feeling in the world, to have someone to come home to, do things, get into discussions about how the day went by. Alas, I've been beaten, robbed, disgraced and disrespected by men taking advantage of me. Now, no more.

I learned first of all, to love myself. Just me, I and me. My own company. At first it was hard, I felt silly, lonely and depressed. So I ate. Now I like decorating my house, I go to the gym, and really burn all my anxiety away. I still do not have a lot of friends as real friends are nurtured and taken cared of. I have several already and we go shopping together after work or on weekends.

I am still alone. But I like my house, I am safe. I have peace here. There are two things Im starting now. Yoga and cooking healthy food. I'm practicing consious eating. Like french women. I'm reading about french women who do not get fat. Ha ha. With all the interest in Julia Child these days, I thought that how come with all that rich food, the french do not get fat, true, they live with sensuality and grace.

Take the journey of loving yourself. Get to know you and learn to live with positivelm.

Bless you,

Lissirom

Thanks for responding but there is the one major obvious difference between your situation and mine. I live alone, no children, or husband to interact with whether happy, sad, mad, tired. i think being alone brings me back to painful memories as a child when I was alone and there was no one to talk to. My problem begins when I walk into my empty house, it transends me back to painful memories as a child, and there is no way to avoid that situation, as I explained no one can avoid going home.

i have been trying to love myself my whole life. When I use the term 'bizarre' it is because my pain from childhood is the memory of coming home to an empty house when so many bad situations in my family were happening, all I had was my loneliness. When I enter my house it transcends me back to those painful times in my childhood. if you had your most painful experience in your life recreated everyday you would not be able to forget it. Example: if you had been beaten, or sexually abused as a child, and you had to return to that same situation everyday you would be unable to forget it and move on. you would be forced to re-live it everyday.

FA is the only program that works.

I have not given up yet. I will continue to pray and keep going.