The insecurity thing may not be true in ALL cases where 2 AP'S marry each other. But I believe there will always be a lack of trust on both parties to some degree that would'nt be there had the 2 AP's not gotten together as a result of an affair. It's always going to be there even if it's very benign.

Ok Edo - here is one for the books. Just to bring others up to speed first...I was the OW 4 yrs. On again off again the last 2 yrs as I would break free of him then relapse. We worked together; he had his own apartment here in state and went home on the weekends. No children involved on either side.

Now Edo (and/or anyone)- tell me what to make of this please.....

He was laid off work, decides to move home and we end very badly. He has money so moving home was a choice and not a requirement due to finances. He lets me know a few weeks later that he confessed to his wife over the weekend. Then without warning, he gives her my number, she calls me, I have little to say to her but listen to her rant and rave at me. He and I have one last dinner together a few weeks later when he tells me "his head is there (in his home town?) but his heart is with me". Then we have lunch on his last day at work when he tells me as we are walking back in the door to work, "It feels like you and I have been married for 16 years. I will only be married twice in my life, and the second time will be with you".

He calls me this week, they are working things out he has accepted a job there. He says he misses me but steers clear of any follow up conversation on the topic of us. BUT he wants to know if it is okay to stay in contact with me once he starts his new job. ...meaning using work phone and e-mail so she does not find out.

To steal a line from ‘Sex in the City'..."We are so over; they need to come up with a new word for over". So why all these mixed signals from him...what's the point?

This man clearly has a case of "he wants to keep his cake and eat it too" or the "it's good to be king" syndrome. Good for you for declaring it's over. Now it's up to you to stick to it.

And of course the wife ranted and raved - did you feel anything when she did? That kind of risk comes with the territory of married men.

The point of his mixed signals is much like my ex-husband's behaviour. He sends me mixed signals all the time hoping I'll stay attached to him so he won't have to give anything up. For a long time I played along because I wasn't sure I was ready to completely let go. Bad idea. He's doing the same thing to the OW now. I opted out,though he still tries.

Never make someone a priority who treats you like an option.

Best of Luck.

He was caught and he made the decision to stay with her.... evidently she's not leaving either and obviously gave him an ultimatum. He's basically telling you he is choosing HER, but wants you on the side when it fits his schedule. This is the problem with dating a married man.

Honestly I did not feel any sympathy toward the wife but anger at him for giving her my number. He doesn't wear a wedding ring and never has, she never visited except once in which I was led to believe was a discussion about divorce. If so, she was probably asking for one and he was talking her out of it! That was two years ago and when I kept trying to break things off. She never came to his work or any work functions; I doubt many people knew he was even married. I don't think he got caught but that perhaps was backed into a corner about why she should let him come home. He had job offers before in the area they live but always turned them down...I'm sure she knew this and now that he lost his job and wanted to come home... I don't know and it really doesn't matter. She had to suspect....they lived in this commuting situation for 6 years only seeing each other on the weekend. She is 16 years older than him. When I was married (for 19 yrs) the hardest thing about the divorce was the change in lifestyle. It is not difficult for me to believe she was much the same. One thing she did agree with me on the phone was that "he is such a good liar". When I made that comment she said so very sincerely "Oh I know he is".

Regarding your ex...my ex-husband - who could not live without me according to him...engaged less than one year later and had moved in with the gal less than 2 months after the divorce. He too calls me to this day wanting to get back together and claims he never intends to marry her. After 4 years of divorce he has not changed one bit in becoming more responsible, truthful etc. So while he and I catch up on the phone once in a while I will never take him back. Thanks for your input, I appreciate others perspectives and I agree that he is probably really enjoying the fact that she is forgiving him and has no intention of giving up contact with me if I would allow it.

I think like most men who give up affairs when the wife finds out, that he'd like to keep you waiting in the wings just in case things don't work out with his wife. Men don't like to be alone.

You know (and not to sound heartless here) though I don't really feel sorry for her because I warned her that NO GOOD would ever come of the situation the very day she told me about her involvement with a married man. I just wish she would have listened. I really think too many people walk on on marriages where often times the problems could have been resolved thru counseling. I 've known many people, both men and women, who left to be with the AP only to find out after a year or two that the grass isn't any greener once the everyday problems are introduced into the new marriage. Oh and by the way, my friend ended up remarrying her first husband.

All this acronyms confuse me. What is an AP?

Sorry for the confusion. I got this from another board. AP= Affair Person.

OMG! We got harpooned by harpobear again!!!
Shucks.
I can't believe they read all these postings! Man. And the stuff I posted was GOOD! Not offensive, but, I am sure it's because I was part of the "thread" Sorry phoenix, life and others that got deleted. Better luck next time. HINT: if someone is saying stuff that includes name calling or some other stuff, DO NOT REPLY, you'll get deleted. Just reply to harpobear and you'll be fine.

I do appreciate that Harpobear is definitely watching and "listening " like big-brother At least it keeps the information clean!

Edo

I can understand getting upset, I got upset... but I think there is a way to voice your opinion without going overboard. I think sometimes people just want to put an end to the discussion, rather than be a part of it.

Well when I left the board yesterday I certainly did not say anything out of line to anyone. Once again I missed everything and was still deleted. So what are the strict new censorship rules....no replying directly to anyone or having conversation that challenges another view point or we will be deleted. It seems there is a common denominator involved whenever we get deleted and it is not due to any of us long timers. My goodness I think back on some of the posts over the past year that were never deleted.....with lots of healthy challenge and interesting view points....sigh....those were the days.

I certainly agree with you Aisley...which is too bad because this board has helped a lot of us through some very challenging times in our lives.

Some poster came in and started firing out insults, and the posts that following those got deleted, so perhaps that's what happened to your post. I had one of mine deleted also, one that followed the insulter, and mine wasn't an attack, but it was still deleted.

Wow, I missed it too. The only thing I saw was something from someone saying something about "what do you expect if you're a mistress". Didn't think it was that offensive but it sounds like I missed a bunch of others.