I agree with 'daraz07' that alot of people don't understand what really happens in an abusive relationship! My first husband was very physically abusive. I was 18 yrs old and recovering from post-pardom depression after miscarrying a baby the year before when I met him (that's another story!). He back-handed me for the first time a week after we met, and the violence escalated from there. For 2 years I tried to get away from him, but it didn't matter where I went or how securely I thought the doors were locked, he always managed to find me and get in.

For example, I would wake up in the middle of the night to find him standing at the foot of my bed watching me sleep. If I was a 'good' girl and didn't try to get away from him, he would be nice and just snuggle with me for the rest of the night whether I liked it or not, but if I was 'bad', then he would tie me up with my pantyhose and hit and rape me.

By the end of 2 years, I was so-o-o afraid of him that when he announced one day that we were getting married, I didn't DARE say no. I had one hour's notice to tell my mother where the wedding would be. He had made all the arrangements including renting a dress that was 2 sizes too big, buying the flowers, and arranging for two of his female 'friends', whom he was also in a sexual relationship with, to be my brides maids. He always had a number of women on the side throughout our marriage, even having 3 children with one of them. I became pregnant within a year of the wedding, and produced a son which lessened the abuse for a while, but by the time my son was six months old, he was back to his old patterns. It took me three years into the marriage and my second trip to a transition house for abused women before I started to get the courage to begin fighting back. I learned how to make sure that he always knew where I was, and made sure that if I saw a friend of ours or a member of our church the day before I was abused, that I would 'run into' them again the day after so they would see the bruises. Did I mention that he was a good Christian? Anyway, this way I had solid witnesses when we finally went to trial!

In 1990 the laws in British Columbia (Canada) finally changed and wives were allowed to charge their husbands with assault, and after that, for me it was just a waiting game. My 'D-Day' came with his next attack, and I made sure that I tried to get away from him so the beating would be worse. Then I went to the police and filed charges, and went to a transition house for abused women for the last time! He tried to scare me after that, but it didn't work for some reason. A switch had turned on in my head that wouldn't let me be afraid of him any more. I treated him like a bad dog and yelled back at him and stood toe to toe when he threatened me, and after about 1 1/2 yrs of that, he lost interest in me and began stalking other women. I consider myself lucky because there are many other women who are killed doing that!

He never served any jail time. All he got was a $500 fine and 1 1/2 yrs probation with community service work. What a joke! He is on his 6th wife now, and can't figure out why all women hate him. He still rationalizes the abuse and says that the women deserve it and ask for it. I was a witness at the trial of his 5th wife, and she and I became close as I counseled her and encouraged her as she had her 'D-Day'.

The laws NEED to be stricter in dealing with these jerks! Especially repeat offenders like my ex!! If a drunk driver gets caught 3 times, they loose their license for life; maybe the law should start taking the lives of repeat abusers by whatever means is legal. The boys in general population just LOVE guys who hit women!

I dont even know where or how to start. I have watched Tyra's show on the abuse. I missed tonights on Oprah, my mom called to tell me to look it up online.

My situation and issue were similar. My parents and family tried to tell me that my Ex-husband now, didnt treat me right. They could see the verbal abuse, mind control and manipulation, I couldnt, until now. I did his best to isolate me from my family and friends, we were more involved with his family and friends. He still says my family esp my dad is controling and they interfeared. But how could they interfear when I rarely saw them. I was always firm on telling him if he ever hit me or hurt me it would be over, the end. Well, other than the yelling, arguing, and "rough housing" leaving me with bruises, pinning me down, but I never left. My mom took me to the doctor before we married to get me checked out and talk to the doctor. The bruising is documented. Now that I see everything, we have a baby and are divorced. We are court ordered to see a parenting coordinator to help us get along and parent together. But everything has to be his way or no way and we fight. The coordinator is even on his side. I have expressed my concerns with his anger, has ADHD-ADD, sexual assault, possible other rapes, kiddy porn on our computer ( didnt see this until the divorce started, I got the computer and he distroyed the hard drive-if he didnt do anything why would he destroy this!!!), numerous wrecks-totallying his vehicle. I am working with my 2nd lawyer. I really need some help and advise. The people that could help me that know stuff are afraid of my ex and dont want to get "Involved" I am so sick of hearing this!!!!!

I just want to protect my baby from this monster!!!!!!! Please help!!!!!!!!! Thanks to everyone!!!!!!!!!!

Its hard for me to believe that so many people are so hurtful and judgmental about domestic violence who don't know anything about it. I got into a severely abusive relationship when I was 16 years old and finally got away from him when i was 19. Things were bad with him...REALLY bad. He would choke me to the point of unconsciousness multiple times a day, strike me with objects, hit me, kick me, push me, I wasn't allowed to be alone not even to use the bathroom or take a shower, and I was constantly accused of cheating on him even though it was impossible. I tried to leave several times, but he would call me constantly, show up at my home, threaten my friends and family, and stalk me. After I got away from him I was dating a man who was quite a few years older than me, thinking he would be more understanding and appreciate me the way my ex never did. We were on the phone and I mentioned something about seeing the abuser for custody court that I was going through. He then said to me "you gotta look at yourself though. Why did you stay with him? You must have liked it." I felt sick to my stomach, I hung up the phone, cried and never talked to that idiot again. I'm 22 years old now, and recently my perpetrator may have caused the death of his new wife, so I've been going to his court appearances and talking to detectives about our relationship. Even after I've been away from him all this time and have had no contact (that didn't result in him being arrested), the abuse is still running my life. I have a hard time being in social situations, I have nightmares about what has happened to me, and I worry constantly that one day he will be out of jail and will come and try to take my children and kill me and my fiance if we get in the way.

As a teenager, I was never really told what domestic violence was. I remember the first time he slapped me in the face and I thought nothing of it. I remember when I tried to leave him the first time and my mom told me to seek out a spousal abuse counselor. I was shocked! Was what I had been experiencing spousal abuse? Was I not "the biggest wh*re in the world"? Was I not the only person in this situation? Why aren't we educating our girls and giving them tools to deal with something like this? Just explaining what a controlling relationship consists of, showing them the cycle of violence, and giving them a list of red flags to look for would do wonders! I know if I had been told what to look for and known what the abuse was, I would have tried to leave earlier.

While all this is horrible, I think something else needs to be addressed--why is it that a man can beat a woman, lock her in a closet, rape her etc...and he gets probation and community service if it's a first time offense? If a man did that to another man, they would be imprisoned. If Chris Brown had done what he allegedly did to Rihanna to say....I don't know his brother in-law, he would be doing 5-10 years. And the more domestic violence charges they get, the sentence goes up only slightly. I know this because for a while last year I worked at a domestic violence crisis intervention and counseling center. Am I the only bothered by the fact that a man can break the legs of his wife and get a two year sentence, get out and murder her and their children? Something needs to be done about this.

This is a disturbing story and it is not surprising to me that it happens as often as it does. There are so many young and mature men in the african american community who have not been fathered or mentored by a responsible man. This is what is lacking. I am by no means defending the actions taken by Chris Brown or any other man who abuses a woman, however, this issue is cyclical. When I was a child, the older men seemed angry but it was a time when the civil rights movement was in full swing and I now understand their frustrations. These are the same men who raised their sons. What do you think they focused on? Were the majority of them nurturing and encouraging? I don't think so. Now, those young men are raising their sons. A few who have taken the responsibility of fatherhood seriously, may be developing strong and honorable young men but those who are absent have left a gaping hole in the family makeup.

I must say that I am hopeful and I think that's what we must be. I am now hearing more about men's issues in church, on radio and even from our President. Oprah, I've watched your show for years and I've found that the basis for many show themes was to inspire change for the better. It is my opinion, that there was so much emphasis put on your statement, "If he hits you once, he's going to hit you again", it was totally contrary to your show's premise. While we must make sure that our young women are protected and safe, I think that this is the reactionary tactic. We have to prevent this situation from ever happening. I believe we all have the ability to change, with support and care of those around us. In this instance, Chris is a young man and he can change. We should not put it out in the atmosphere that he can't change but we should teach and train. We fall down but we have to get up and sometimes we just need a hand.

Thanks

My situation happened in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Even though he had a history of domestic abuse with me, he also had been acquitted of 3rd degree assault against. The judge said he still had a right to be in my son's life. He made the visitation miserable. He used to call the police to do the handoffs saying that I was unpredictable. He disputed everything I did with my son including getting a haircut for my son, enrolling in basketball, and letting him play with Ninja Turtles (he said they were satanic-he was "christian" who used the bible to justify pot smoking and wife beating). Even though he remarried and beat his new wife and her children, he still stalked and harrased me. He tried to control me through our son and the joint custody arrangement. He threatened to kill me and kidnap our son on a regular basis. In 1992, when my son was 4, I was in a serious car accident and received a settlement. I used money from the settlement to pursue sole custody. I received sole custody in 1993 when he was diagnosed as a sociopathic behavoir type, but the courts still required he have visitation. Now, I am not recommending the next move I made because in Colorado it is a violation of a custody agreement, but back then it was not. I knew my ex wanted to kill me and take my son. I was still very afraid, even after leaving him 4 years earlier. He would follow me in his car around my work, around my son's childcare, around my friends; even if he wasn't supposed to see him that day. He would watch my home and make threats to end my life through verbal and written communication. I would move and that would help for a bit, but he always found ways to get to me. Even though I had a restraining order, the police would say he hadn't "done anything" to me yet so they couldn't do anything. My life was miserable. So, I found a job in Florida and I moved. I didn't tell him where I was going. I obtained post office boxes in several states and funneled mail around. I obtained a credit union bank with an address in a different city. I told my employer and friends what was happening in the new state I was living in. It was the best move I ever made. However, the courts/judges were not happy with me. They almost revoked by sole custody, but in the end a new visitation agreement was made and I kept sole custody. My son was flown to Colorado 3 times a year. However, I did not have regular contact with my ex. This changed my life and made it livable. The courts agreed to keep my address private from him.

Then in 1998 I received a phone call from his 2nd wife. She had endured tremendous abuse, but this day he had pulled a shotgun on her. He pulled the trigger, but the gun misfired. She took her 2 kids and ran. She called to beg me not to send my son for his visitation. She said she had always been there to be a buffer for him and she wanted to protect him. She said his father was unstable and making threats to kidnap my son. This took incredible courage and I will never forget what she did to save my son. We became friends at that time. He was charged with assault and child abuse and fled the state. With him gone, I decided to move back so she and I could raise our children together. They are brothers and it was important to us to have them together. I also could support her during her transition.

In 2003, after I came out of hiding, we found our ex living in Alaska (remarried and working as a youth minister-very dangerous!). We decided, now that our children were older and our restraining orders and no-visitation orders in full effect, that we would pursue child support. He owed over $100,000 for the 3 children. It took several years, but we do get some child support now. He tried to kill his third wife in 2005. He had covered her and her dog in a blanket, tried to set it on fire and pushed her out a window. I spoke with her during her court hearing. Unfortunately, the DA said there was not enough evidence to purse the case and dropped the charges. He remains in Alaska and that's better for me. His 3rd wife said he blames me for all the bad things that have happened in his. That I am the reason his life is so bad. But I don't live in fear of him anymore. He is the one on the run. He is the one who deserted his responsibilities. He is the one who must own his decisions for how he hurt women and children throughout his life. I am happy and live a wonderful life. I am successful and raised a wonderful son.

Teacherjmb, I don't know if any of this helps your situation. It is hard to take control of your own life when he is still around. Some women are able to go to court and get approval to leave the state with the court permission. The only thing that helped me was moving out of state and protecting where I lived and worked. I almost changed my name and SSN (the Social Security Administration will do this for these situations, I am told, but haven't checked it out in years). But I didn't have to go that far. At some point you will need to move your thoughts from him and concentrate and what is best for you and your child(ren). This will bring more positive energy into your life. Ending my court battles was important because it just keeps things going. You have to do it, but you also temper the attorneys to make sure you don't end up in court forever. (My ex loved the courtroom attention and only fed his sociopathic disorder.) Good luck and always keep your health and well being in mind.

I watched the show last night and realized how lucky I am that I was able to get out of a bad relationship when I was only 15.

All the signs mentioned were there. It took me 2 years to wake up and let go. After only 2 months into the relationship (when I started shool) he became extremly manipulative, JEALOUS, possesive, I wasn't alowed to speak to any boys at school, he was treatning me that he was watching me (he was a drop out with no job, so he could have been spying on me). I had to get to his place right after school and watch out if I was late, I better have a good reason. He kept telling me that I was fat (which wasn't true), telling me how other girls were good looking but never telling me, he was often forcing me to have sex, watching the way I dressed, I couldn't weart shorts, tight tops etc.

One day at school, I started to speak with a girl, we became good friend in the class. After a while, I realized that I was worth more and saw what I was missing out on. I called him and left him on the phone. I couldn't see him in person, it would have been dangerous. I was lucky enough that he was afraid of my dad, so he never bottered us after.

I juste wanted to share this because I want girls to know that it is really important to understand that the signs are not lying. I'm telling you, go to the section on this site were you can read the signs... they ARE real. I wish I would of have this 17 years ago, because I would have not suffer for 2 years.

I am still so mad at myself for letting me do this. I could blame my parents but they were against me going out with this guy. Nothing they said made me change my mind... I was so in love for some reason.

The only thing I am thankfull is that I never when out with a guy like that after. I actually saw him a few months back after not seing him for over 10-15 years, he's still the same ''no life'' and for some reason now (manipulative way), he said that I had the same beautiful smile as before... my answer: '' I can't remember you once telling me that I had a beautiful smile!''

Thanks, MJ

Tyra & Oprah, I need some advice on my daughter who is 20 years old and have been giving up on life since she was 5th grade. I do not know what else to do for her, she wants to go to fashion school but she are undecided because of the young man she met in high school three years ago, and she still dating him off and on. Tyra he hurts her feeling all the time, and when they go to the movie she have to pay for her own ticket, and she buys his family and him gifts on holidays and she gets nothing in return. Moreover, on April 2009, my husband and I found out they did something behind our back that was against what our family believe and stand for, and we told her she would not see him against, but we found out they are still dating. Although my husband and I told his parents if we see him with her again, we are going to beat him and her down. In other words, I am going to give both a beat down they will never forget. But he did not listen to us, so Tyra I am at a crossroad the reason I am reaching out for help and advice on what to do next, because this boy have abused my daughter for three and half years and it is getting worst. Tyra all she do is run to meet him, and when he hurts her again she run to her room and cry. Tyra this is a very long story. But I need your advice to help save my daughter from death. Thanks!